My inadvertent threesome by Allison Hart In the Powder Room

My Inadvertent Threesome

Yes, Allison had a threesome back in her heyday. Chalk it up to that “experimental phase” every young woman with a yen for adventure goes through…

 

A long, long time ago, I was a young woman on adventures around the world. One of these adventures found me in Nepal at 19 years old. I spent several months hiking through the Himalayas, trying to soak it all in, knowing that one day my life would be bogged down in ways that would never let me have such carefree adventures again.

After a long day’s hike, I arrive into camp and climb into my tent to change my clothes. Outside I hear some commotion. Commotion and cow bells. (More precise: yak bells.) It sounds exciting and a bit scary, but I’m wearing just underwear. I hurry to get some clothes on. I’m not fast enough.

Let me intercede for a moment to tell you a bit about yaks:

  • Yaks are huge, shaggy, cow-like animals;
  • Yaks are ill-tempered;
  • Yaks wear bells around their necks to alert people of their presence;
  • People get out of a yak’s way due to the aforementioned hugeness and bad temperament.

The commotion gets closer until I hear, “Watch out!” followed by rapidly approaching, ground-shaking, animal and yak bell sounds. Suddenly, a giant hoof comes through the tent to my right, and another just to my left! I feel the back legs just behind me, pressing against me. Yak chest bears down on my back. I’m pinned. Under a yak.

When you’re pinned under a yak you think the following things, in rapid succession, on repeat:

  • Oh my God! I’m pinned under a yak!
  • I’m alive.
  • Oh my God! I could have been stepped on by that giant smelly foot!
  • I’m alive and not hurt. Wow! That’s lucky!
  • I need to be saved.
  • Shit, I’m in my underwear.

​Go ahead and let that image soak in a bit. (It gets worse.)

Hot yak breath is just ahead of me, coming through the fabric of the tent. I can’t look up, I’m stuck, bent, under a yak. Its bell is just over my right ear, dinging mercilessly. Ding. Ding. Ding.

I soon learn it’s a she-yak. (I told you it got worse.)

A horrible squeal and grunt and suddenly the weight on my back nearly doubles. The bell next to my right ear begins to ding in rhythm. DING! DING! DING! The weight on my back begins to rock. Rocking me with it. A bit further away, above and a bit behind me, there’s another yak bell. This one dinging to a different, faster rhythm. DING! DING! DING! DING!

I am pinned under two yaks in my underwear.

And they’re fucking.

O.M.G.

When pinned under fucking yaks, you think the following thing:

If I make it out of here, and I hope I get to put a bra on first, I will have the best story EVER.

Allison Hart writes the humorous and (sometimes brutally) honest blog Motherhood, WTF? Her tagline is: “I’m the mom who makes you feel better about your parenting.” She does this by saying the things that other moms have the good sense to only think. Motherhood, WTF? has received numerous awards and accolades over the years in Allison’s imagination. In real life, it was listed by Babble as one of the Top 100 Mom Blogs of 2012 and by Circle of Moms as a Top 25 Humor Mom Blog in both 2011 and 2012. Allison’s work has been featured on BlogHer, Mamalode, and Scary Mommy.

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