My Problem with Chinese Food In the Powder Room

My Problem with Chinese Food

Takeout from Big Wong? Mary Anne has suddenly lost her appetite.


My education on the opposite sex was born on school buses, rumor, and the occasional Penthouse Forum and Playgirl magazines. When I was in high school the first REAL novel I read that I had to hide from my mother was Sweet Savage Love by Kathleen Woodiwiss. I stayed awake nights reading that book, finally finding out about blinding passion, throbbing members and heaving breasts. This formed what my idea of love was and needless to say in years to come I found out the hard (heh heh) way that this was not necessarily the case.

It also never COMPLETELY described in great detail what that throbbing member looked like so I just assumed they were pretty much all the same until my last year of college.

There are no photos of men in Playgirl with an uncircumcised penis.

Nope, nada, nil.

So imagine my surprise when in the heat of a bourbon-induced night at a frat party with my newest boyfriend we decided to get jiggy with it. The khakis came off, the boxers dropped and even though I was full of enough Wild Turkey to kill a horse my first reaction to the THING before me was, “What the HELL is THAT?”

Before my foggy brain was something that was long and rolly and looked like an uncooked Chinese egg roll. This was SO not going to happen. That was NOT like the picture.

So, feigning cramps I whined, “I’m about to toss my cookies, I gotta go,” and I snuck back to my dorm under the cover of darkness.

The next morning I proceeded to investigate.

I had to ask my more “experienced” girlfriends what that was. And I got an ear full. Apparently the uncircumcised penis is basically the same thing as the regular all American penis but with a wrapper on it. It looks like one of those weird toys filled with colored water that you shake and it goes in and out. And according to one girlfriend the sex is WAY better. You lucky ducks.

Circumcision came about in ancient Egypt and in America was primarily used in the 1800s to discourage masturbation and enhance cleanliness. Why they were so worried about guys spanking the monkey in the 1800s is beyond me. Many European men aren’t circumcised and it’s starting to gain favor here.

But it does look like an egg roll. Trust me.

You’ll never look at Chinese food the same way again.


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Mary Anne Payne is a writer and blogs at She writes about midlife, teenagers and other ridiculous things as she has had un-treated ADD since the 6th grade. She has been featured on BlogHer, The Huffington Post, Better After 50, Midlife Boulevard and Horse Nation. Her goal is to keep her self and her home from being featured on Hoarders and she prays the rosary daily so her mother won’t find out she has a blog.

Keep the conversation going...



  1. says

    Hmm, is it possible to be hungry and horny simultaneously? And I must not be a youngun, as I got the eggroll reference! My boys are uncircumcised because I couldn’t find any good evidence that it was necessary. They were born in Boulder, where I think the norm is uncircumcised.

    • says

      I probably wouldn’t do it either these days-Europeans generally don’t and I personally think they are more advanced inthese things than we are

  2. says

    The is freaking AWESOME! I’ve never seen an uncircumcised one but I HAVE seen one where the circumcision went wrong!!! Either way, I will never, EVER look a an egg roll the same way again……

  3. Gail Moore says

    Oh I memba that convo. As I had dated a nice german boy for the past three years I was your resident egg roll expert.

  4. Jenny F. says

    I haven’t experienced one that looked like an egg roll – but I did run into one that was like a five-dollar foot long from Subway!

  5. says

    I have never seen one of those live. Now I want to – ha! More as a specimen to be investigated than anything else. This also made me want an eggroll.

  6. The Peach says

    Live…hahahaha! I don’t think I ever would have used an egg roll to describe it, but I had a relationship with a man who was not circumcised. There are a few additional things to learn, but it was not a bad experience, I encourage those of you that are single not to pass on it if given the opportunity to test it out.