Vatican City is abuzz with reports of an archaeological discovery that may completely change the story of Creation as the Bible has portrayed it for centuries.
New evidence has surfaced that suggests God did not rest on the Seventh Day; in fact, experts now believe that it was on the Seventh Day that God created Sanctimommy.
“We discovered some crude markings in an ancient cave in the Armenian Highlands,” said Rex Kuhvater, an archaeologist affiliated with the Babylonian Library of Archaeological History (BLAH). “A rough sketch of a woman was carved into the wall. She was surrounded by children—some of whom were clearly teenagers—and her bare breasts appeared to be squirting some sort of shiny elixir into their open mouths. I’d almost describe the substance as ‘liquid gold.’
“There were also numerous markings in the space surrounding the woman’s mouth. They seemed to be intended as representations of speech, but they were written in a language we’ve never encountered before.
“Another thing we found particularly curious was that all of the etchings of the woman were coated in a thick layer of oil that smelled strangely coconutty.”
Kuhvater and his team called upon their Ivy League educations to cleverly deduce that the drawings were religious in nature.
“After carefully studying the carvings as well as the surrounding area, we concluded that there was a probable link to the Church. The entire cave reeked of incense, and there was a small font of holy water at the entrance. We were unable to successfully cross the cave’s threshold until we crossed ourselves first.
“Like… with the water in the font,” he clarified, quickly demonstrating the sign of the cross.
“And then there was that burning bush on the south side of the cave. It kept yelling at us to take our shoes off. But anyone who’s gone spelunking knows cave floors aren’t exactly made of memory foam. So we just ignored it, and it eventually burned itself out.”
Feeling out of his element, Kuhvater immediately called in a biblical expert.
Dr. Isaiah M. Myneim arrived at the scene only hours after he received the urgent call from Kuhvater. After five minutes of study, he determined the markings were “definitively of a divine origin.”
Myneim brought in his own team—including a holy linguistics expert—to decipher the mysterious text surrounding the cave figure’s mouth.
“They comprise a series of criticisms,” said Myneim. “This woman appears to be pointing out God’s ‘eternal mistakes’ and questioning His ‘creative process.’
“We believe, given these findings, that we’ve had the story wrong all along. God did not rest on the Seventh Day, as we initially believed. On the Seventh Day, He created Sanctimommy, who then proceeded to point out all the things He’d done wrong in His previous six days of work.”
Among the Seventh-Day Sanctimommy’s critiques, as uncovered by Myneim’s team, were:
“I understand the logic behind ‘night’ and ‘day,’ but if you’d been a little less heavy-handed with the latter, I wouldn’t have to waste so much time reminding everyone to put sunhats on their babies.”
“You should have carved the moon out of solidified coconut oil. No wonder it’s known to cause strange behavior when it’s full.”
“And what’s with the position of the sun? Everyone knows the world revolves around my children.”
“The kale-to-all-other-plants ratio needs to be WAY higher.”
“You shouldn’t have even bothered with animals. If they didn’t exist, all of mankind would be vegan by default.”
“Did you cut Adam out of the Earth, or was he pushed out? I really hope no scalpels were involved because that’s just lazy.”
“Also, if you created Adam out of clay, and Eve out of Adam, then who the f*ck breastfed them? Thank God—well, YOU—I’m here now.”
“Speaking of Adam and Eve, I sure as hell hope you didn’t vaccinate them.”
“You really should have just created me on The First Day so I could tell you how to do everything.”
No word yet on whether or not Pope Francis will call for an official amendment to the Book of Genesis to reflect the new findings.
This original piece by Samantha Wassel was written exclusively for In the Powder Room, a division of Hold My Purse Productions, LLC. Featured image is an edited combination of work © Jeanette.Dietl via depositphotos.com and “The Creation of Adam” © Michelangelo via Wikipedia.