Because “the penis deserves its day in the spotlight!”
While I was in the shower—which is where most of my clarity and genius ideas prevail—I turned to my fiancé and said: “I really want to write a blog post about penises.”
He laughed, and kept showering.
“I’m not joking,” I told him. “I think it would be hilarious. Penises really don’t get the acknowledgment they deserve. Even when you see one in a magazine layout, it just lays there on a thigh. I mean, penises are much cooler than that.”
If I could have taken a picture of the look on my fiancé’s face at that moment, it would have been priceless. He said, “Do you mean my penis, or just penises in general? Because my Mom may not think my penis is as cool as you do.”
He had a good point. His mother most likely wouldn’t share the same appreciation I have for his man downstairs. “Okay,” I agreed. “Granted, that might be a teensy bit weird. But I’m telling you, the penis deserves its day in the spotlight!”
A couple of days went by. I ran the concept by some friends at work, and they all thought it was a fabulous idea. The truth is that there are always tons of fun articles about vaginas and boobs, but not so many about penises—despite the fact that the schlong is so very entertaining.
Before anyone gets their panties in a wad, I’m not just talking about the sexual aspects of the penis. I’m talking about the actual body part itself. Well—kind of.
Ladies, answer this: do your boobs rise straight and tall like flagpoles? Nope? Didn’t think so. Sure, our nipples get hard, but big deal. A man’s entire penis CAN STAND UP BY ITSELF. That’s amazing—and entirely unfair.
Why don’t we ladies come with a personal Pop-Goes-the-Weasel or Jack-in-the-Box toy in our panties, but the men do? It’s no wonder that at a certain age showers get longer, doors get locked, and socks go missing?
Do you remember the joke “How many knees do boys have?” The answer people always gave was “Two,” but they were wrong. Boys have three knees: a left knee, a right knee, and a… wait for it… wee-knee! Get it? It was even exciting back then! A “weenie” sounds like a fun ride at a local amusement park. What do women get? Tits and vagina. Which sounds like “ticks and angina.” Which sounds like the complete opposite of fun.
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Sure, I can sympathize with the embarrassment of unplanned and/or unwanted erections, which must totally suck. In high school, I didn’t fully understand the casually-placed binders at inopportune “Jack-in-the-Box” moments, but of course now I do. Still, at any other time, the penis can be an entertaining plaything, whether you’re alone or with someone else.
(I still remember the first time I learned that if you trace your finger tip every so lightly over the top of a guy’s fly—a little tent popped up quicker than quick. Sucked for the guy, but I personally thought it was really neat. Women’s inopportune moments? Well, those include white pants, red stains and cardboard applicators—and there is nothing amusing about any of those things whatsoever!)
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At the end of the day, while men undoubtedly love our soft, voluptuous, warm parts—I myself am just a die-hard (pun intended) fan of the penis. From the initial morning wood, to the morning stretches that “accentuate the positive,” to the bulge in the boxer briefs that screams for a quick grope and the throwback urge to dry-hump like a teenager. It’s probably a good thing I am a woman, because I’m guessing that I’d have hairy palms, total blindness, and a lot of “Remember that time I got my penis stuck in…” stories.
I’d like to propose a toast. Raise whatever you can, ladies—to the penis!