Old Lady Holes In the Powder Room

Old Lady Holes

My old lady holes are looking really worn these days.

Not those holes. I’m talking about the holes that hang low and wobble to-and-fro.

I recently hosted a jewelry party (think Tupperware meets Claire’s Boutique). Sample items were on display for the kind of friends who appreciate a good impulse buy in someone else’s living room. A friend and I started chatting about some earrings we liked, and how we couldn’t wear them because they were too heavy.

She told me that just recently she’d noticed her ear lobes looking . . . old lady-ish.

PSA: “Old lady lobes begin to appear around age 39. While the progression of OLL can be slowed, it cannot be stopped in its fateful course. Symptoms include lobes that begin to elongate in an effort to join their mate, and tie into a knot or tie into a bow. Avoiding heavy earrings and Carol-Burnett-like ear tugging can help prevent early onset OLL.”

As we inspected each other’s lobes, another friend, who is our age but somehow maintains the lobes of a sixteen year old, inspected a 2-pound chandelier earring for purchase. We took our conversation elsewhere.

Long-lobe friend had heard about a surgical procedure to address her situation as well as my stretchy earring holes. I promptly Googled and found Dr. Jonathan Hoenig’s website about how surgery can address “…unwanted earlobe changes, including sagging of the earlobes from aging or earrings, stretching or tearing of the ear piercing, thinning of the earlobes, and creases or folds in the earlobes.” 

Conversation soon turned to women with way worse lobes than us, in an effort to inflate our earlobe egos and convince ourselves out of surgery.

“What about those people with the giant plug things in their ears? Have you ever seen when they take them out? Those lobes are just flapping in the breeze! There is no fixing that.”

“At least we didn’t shove giant bottle caps into our ears. Some of that shit would even make Dr. Hoenig flinch. Yep, Doctor H. would be proud of us.”

My poor husband, who was meandering as far on the outskirts of my jewelry party as possible, was apparently listening because he discreetly told me that one of those hole-plug girls could try on earrings at my party and it would be “like throwing a hot dog down a hallway.”

Later, I convinced myself that I don’t need the surgery . . . yet. They may not be mint condition, and they certainly don’t hold up next to a 20-something’s, but my lobes are acceptable.

When gravity kicks in, and my husband accidentally gets a finger stuck in my earring hole as we sleep, I may be calling Dr. H. for a quick fix. And since I had c-sections, I’ll remind my husband that a finger in my old lady hole is better than a hot dog down a hallway.


Image credit: istockphoto.com/ridofranz

Pecked to Death by Chickens.com is Susan’s humor blog, though occasionally she’ll author a poignant post revealing her soft underbelly (euphemism AND literal description). Susan also helps other bloggers get featured on the websites they aspire to, via her blog resource site BeyondYourBlog.com. Features on BlogHer, Blunt Moms, Bonbon Break, and In the Powder Room help feed her attention seeking behavior.

Keep the conversation going...



    • Leslie Marinelli says

      This post cracked me up Susan because my holes are long and lopsided! (Just like another part of my body. Go me! I’m nothing if not consistent.) But I had no idea women were having these holes nipped and tucked. Incredible.

  1. says

    Dying laughing over here. The title drew me in but YES – I know exactly what you mean. I have this little crinkle in the middle of my lobe. They say you can tell a woman’s age by her hands, but…

    Great stuff, Susan! I loved this!

    • says

      Jill – I am thinking a photo essay is in order where I compile all of the old lady holes in close ups and play a match them with the old lady (or 40-something). That would be a fun game.

  2. says

    Lol that’s awesome, the title was a clever way to draw folks in :) I’m 27 so still have times before my lobes hang low but I don’t wear earrings that are very heavy unless an occasion asks for it! Have a great one Susan! -Iva

  3. Sue says

    As a young girl I always wanted to “get my ears pierced”. My mother refused to pay for something that would “detract from my self”. So my very first paycheck paid for getting my ears pierced. My thoughts (not words cos I would’ve got a smack) to my much loved mother were: up yours, I can do what I want!….. So when I came home with sleepers (do they even do that any more?) mum said (sighed) that I should never wear heavy or hangy earrings as I would not want to have long droopy old lady lobes when I’m 30. Of course I ignored any advice about old lady stuff and powered on to wear the biggest, heaviest earrings I could afford. Guess what.

  4. says

    Ok, don’t hate me… My lobes are sweet and petite and perky as sh*t.

    But this is because I have never, ever, ever ever had them pierced. Don’t ask me why, I suppose it’s a combination of disinterest and simply never having gotten around to it.

    But NOW I know why I never will – thank you so much for warning me of the dangers of OLL before I’d risked it. Aside from that, children aren’t something that are ever coming from this body (says the 23 year old who will obviously NEVER change her mind)… so I suppose when I’m older I can look forward to 2 for 2.

    Thanks for the giggles :)

  5. says

    I hadn’t even thought to look there! I think the key to not worrying about OLL is to have giant OLB. Relativity is important in overcoming your worry about lobes methinks.

  6. says

    You are hilarious. My ear lobes aren’t in OLL territory yet but I had all sorts of other ear piercings and have funky looking closed up holes to show for that. I didn’t do that bottlecap stretching one but I did the rest. I guess my hopes of being an ear model are dashed.

  7. says

    Yeah…I’ve noticed this unfortunate phenomenon. Sigh. My mother always warned me this would happen. (Seriously, she did, which is probably what gives rise to my bouts of utter paranoia.)