Have you done your Kegels today? You know you need to.
Your lady parts should be able to crack walnuts. Strengthen your pelvic floor! Kegel exercisers unite!
I’m doing you a favor. I’m sharing this important bit of advice about practicing your Kegels, because I don’t want you to be an unsuspecting victim of STEDZ—Spontaneous Tampon Evacuation During Zumba. That’s right. Don’t dance out your tampon during Zumba class.
My mom didn’t tell me of this possibility when she shared with me all the ins and outs of puberty and womanhood. It wasn’t a chapter in Judy Blume’s Are You There God, It’s Me, Margaret either.
But ladies—what they don’t tell you in all these instances, nor do they mention it in tampon commercials when they show these ladies playing tennis, going to night clubs in white mini skirts, so short you can see their IUD—is that tampons can fall out.
And they have.
If you’ve been to Zumba, you know there’s a lot of dancing (duh), jumping, dropping it low, twirling, and shaking your groove thang. Personally, I make sure I have an empty bladder before class. I take precautions, trust me. Some of the jumping I even fake. There’s just only so much this 40-year-old can handle. Well, one woman in Zumba class recently was far too cavalier with her biznass.
Right in the middle of Ke$ha’s “Die Young,” a poor unsuspecting female dashed out of class, presumably, to the bathroom. And on the floor, in the spot where she had been dancing, was her Playtex. Not in a wrapper mind you. But a soggy, limp and used tampon.
Talk about putting it all out there. When J. Lo sings “On the Floor,” I don’t think she meant THIS.
It had fallen out. Out of her cavernous lady parts. Fallen like a bloodied limp cotton paratrooper. Splat. Used and disgusting. Like a tea bag ready for Edward Cullen. It was soaked and just lying there. Evacuated.
You make eye contact with your girlfriend dancing next to you, with a look that says, “WTF? Do you SEE THAT?” And she looks back at you with the same look in her eyes, but it says, “Shit, YES!”
You’re wondering, did other people notice? Did she notice? Did she come back to class?
Hell yes people noticed. A group of about 15 of us looked on in horror. But I’m guessing an employee whisked it away with a paper towel while the rest of us were dancing our butts off, because by the time cotton pony girl came back to resume her place on the floor, it was gone and she acted like nothing had happened.
Talk about dance like no one is watching.
There was no chatter, no laughter, no nothing from the group. It could be everyone was suffering from PTSD from what they’d just witnessed. As class concluded people exited and the usual convo ensued regarding kids, husbands, PTA, etc. We saved our gossip for the privacy of our cars and cellphones.
How does something like this happen? I’m guessing her yoga pants are really loose and she doesn’t wear underwear. And that she’s given birth to triplets and has no sensation down there and a hoo-ha the size of a dryer hose.
This is why I share this story with you. Now you know the importance of Kegels (and underwear). You never want to be a victim of STEDZ. Never.
Kegel-related resources for women:
Kegel exercises: A how-to guide for women (The Mayo Clinic)
The Importance of Kegel Exercises (The Center for Female Sexuality)
13 Life-Changing Kegel Exercises (Cosmopolitan)
How to Improve Your Health, Sex Life, and DMV Record Simultaneously (The Bearded Iris)
Exercising the “Love” Muscles (Everyday Health)
Does a Kegel a Day Keep the Transvaginal Mesh Away? (The Bearded Iris)
Stop Doing Kegels: Real Pelvic Floor Advice for Women and Men (Breaking Muscle)