Ooops I Shit on Your Friends via In the Powder Room

Oops, I Shit on Your Friends

Want to test the strength of your relationship? Crap your pants after binge drinking and see how your boyfriend reacts.


I had been dating a guy for several months in college, and it was becoming time to define our relationship.

I liked him.

A lot.

But I wasn’t totally sure how he felt about me. I considered him my boyfriend, but I was too nervous to ask him about his feelings. It was getting to the point where I really needed to either let myself fall completely in love with him – or get the message to move on.

I agonized over how to confront him and exactly what I wanted to say. I got advice from friends. I stayed up at night thinking about it. I wrote drunken love poems in my journal.

But I ended up not having to have a talk with him at all.

Instead – I took a giant shit on several of his friends.

It was a true test for our young relationship.

Just a few hours prior to having explosive diarrhea on his friends, I did several shots of vodka with a friend, then we went to a party where I met up with my boyfriend, drank some more and proceeded to pass out.

As his friends carried my dead weight down a flight of stairs and out of the house – I lost control and shit my pants.

Have you ever had a child poop up their back – almost to their neck? Yup – it was kind of like that (or so I was told).

And God love them – not a single person dropped me.

I’m sure my boyfriend wanted to run in the other direction. Instead, he took me straight to the hospital where they gave me fluids until I sobered up. Then they sent me home with my “soiled” clothes in a bag – wearing nothing but my hospital gown.

The next morning, I had the embarrassing task of apologizing to my boyfriend and his friends. And calling my mom to tell her what had happened – and to explain the hospital bill she would soon be receiving.

I learned a lot from that night.

1. Vodka is not my friend – nor is binge drinking.

2. My boyfriend was a total keeper. (I married him a few years later.)

3. His friends are fairly discreet. (Luckily, Facebook hadn’t been invented yet.)

4. Pooping on the delivery room table is not as bad as pooping on a bunch of fraternity guys.

5. When you’re a teenager, starting a conversation with, “Mom, I’m pregnant,” is a great way to make it seem like what you really did isn’t so bad.

6. The Gap has a great return policy. You can even return jeans after they’ve been shat on and washed a million times. (As long as you only wore them once.)

I’m here to share my stories, make you laugh and help you feel better about your crazy, messy, fabulous life.

Keep the conversation going...