Ooops I Shit on Your Friends via In the Powder Room

Oops, I Shit on Your Friends

Want to test the strength of your relationship? Crap your pants after binge drinking and see how your boyfriend reacts.

 

I had been dating a guy for several months in college, and it was becoming time to define our relationship.

I liked him.

A lot.

But I wasn’t totally sure how he felt about me. I considered him my boyfriend, but I was too nervous to ask him about his feelings. It was getting to the point where I really needed to either let myself fall completely in love with him – or get the message to move on.

I agonized over how to confront him and exactly what I wanted to say. I got advice from friends. I stayed up at night thinking about it. I wrote drunken love poems in my journal.

But I ended up not having to have a talk with him at all.

Instead – I took a giant shit on several of his friends.

It was a true test for our young relationship.

Just a few hours prior to having explosive diarrhea on his friends, I did several shots of vodka with a friend, then we went to a party where I met up with my boyfriend, drank some more and proceeded to pass out.

As his friends carried my dead weight down a flight of stairs and out of the house – I lost control and shit my pants.

Have you ever had a child poop up their back – almost to their neck? Yup – it was kind of like that (or so I was told).

And God love them – not a single person dropped me.

I’m sure my boyfriend wanted to run in the other direction. Instead, he took me straight to the hospital where they gave me fluids until I sobered up. Then they sent me home with my “soiled” clothes in a bag – wearing nothing but my hospital gown.

The next morning, I had the embarrassing task of apologizing to my boyfriend and his friends. And calling my mom to tell her what had happened – and to explain the hospital bill she would soon be receiving.

I learned a lot from that night.

1. Vodka is not my friend – nor is binge drinking.

2. My boyfriend was a total keeper. (I married him a few years later.)

3. His friends are fairly discreet. (Luckily, Facebook hadn’t been invented yet.)

4. Pooping on the delivery room table is not as bad as pooping on a bunch of fraternity guys.

5. When you’re a teenager, starting a conversation with, “Mom, I’m pregnant,” is a great way to make it seem like what you really did isn’t so bad.

6. The Gap has a great return policy. You can even return jeans after they’ve been shat on and washed a million times. (As long as you only wore them once.)

I’m here to share my stories, make you laugh and help you feel better about your crazy, messy, fabulous life.

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