Hello. Are you over 35 and looking to explore the miracle taking place in your ovaries? Are you not yet 35 and seeking a glimpse of what awaits you? Or are you just a lucky menopausal woman who saw this article circulating on Facebook, and you wish to chuckle knowingly at what you already know from experience? Ha ha! Been there, done that, you premenopausal bitches!
Whatever your reason for being here, we’re so happy to have you. We’ve prepared a concise yet colorful guide to ovulation that will inform and delight any reader.
As you know, ovulation is a special time in your monthly cycle [MAN-MUSCLES!] when an ovary releases an egg. After ripening and bursting from the ovary, the egg travels down the Fallopian tube [CHARLIE HUNNAM!] seeking fertilization. During this time, you may feel abdominal pain or cramping. You may also experience anxiety, depression, irritability, headaches, nausea, and increased sexual desire. [DICKS DICKS DICKS!] This is the beauty of Nature at work. [I WILL FUCK ANYTHING, ANYWHERE, RIGHT NOW!] And now that your ovaries have managed to cough up a decades-old, chromosomally-aberrant egg, Nature wants you to get that thing fertilized, pronto. You don’t have forever, you know.
Questions and Answers about Ovulating After 35:
Q: Can I leave the house when I’m ovulating?
A: You may find the increased sexual desire resulting from ovulation distracting—maybe even debilitating. We advise you to stay indoors. Do not go anywhere where there might be dicks. We cannot stress this enough. Even women who think they have themselves under control can have an “accident,” during which they “slip” and land vagina-first on an exposed dick. It can happen.
If you must go out, wear dark sunglasses. Ovulating women have been known to set random men ablaze with their unintentionally-smoldering glances. Wearing a surgical mask is also recommended, as protection against sidling up to a strange man and whispering, “Hey there, sailor, I need you to fill my aching void.” This is A) not at all erotic (not that you care; you’ll say anything), B) particularly embarrassing if the man is not wearing a sailor outfit, and C) likely to get you thrown out of most establishments.
Q: My vibrator stopped working, and I cried. Is that normal?
RELATED: Buzz Kill: A Eulogy of My Vibrator
Q: Was that HVAC guy flirting with me?
A: He may have been. Probably not.
Q: I’m hiding behind the bushes at Starbucks listening to people at the drive-through, and I’m trying to figure out if they’re hot just by the sound of their voices and what they’re ordering. Then, if I suspect that they are in fact hot, I step out and toss my hair a little as they drive into view. Is that normal?
A: Yes. However, please be careful. One ovulating woman died in a tragic accident when a young man with a tight six-pack (who had just ordered a non-fat no-whip latte, by the way) did not see her attempting to climb onto the hood of his car.
Q: When I get trapped in a supply closet with a hot guy at work, how long should I wait before taking my boobs out and making it look like an accident?
A: You should not lock yourself in a closet for any reason.
Q: I meant get accidentally trapped.
A: Uh huh. Seriously, don’t do that.
Q: I had a dream that I invented a shrink ray, then went to the mall and shrank everyone. Then, when I started picking up high school boys and rubbing them on myself, I accidentally picked up a few Abercrombie & Fitch mannequins and got angry and broke them because they were plastic. Is that normal?
A: Yes. It’s completely normal for your dreams to become over-the-top and ridiculous during ovulation. In fact, inventing shrink rays and attacking mannequins might prove to be just the tip of the iceberg.
In conclusion? Women over 35 who are ovulating need to avoid leaving the house, letting their supplies of AA batteries run low, and, of course, dreaming.