Are you ready to become a parent? Take this HILARIOUS quiz to find out! parenting | motherhood | humor

The Parent Readiness Quiz

When I was in my early twenties, my friends and I were obsessed with the quizzes in Cosmopolitan magazine. You remember the ones—self-tests with sensational titles like “Are You Too Obsessed with Your Ex?” and “Do You Know When a Guy is Into You?” All you had to do was simply answer the questions, and at the end, voilà! The answer you’d been looking for.

It was like therapy but cheaper.

As my friends and I grew up and got married, some of us found ourselves staring longingly at babies, feeling tinges of jealousy while watching pregnant women waddle through our local supermarkets. “Having kids looks like SO MUCH FUN,” we said. “Diapers can’t be that bad, can they?”

TweIve years and three kids later, I thought it might be considerate of me—given my plethora of knowledge on the subject—to create a quiz for those asking themselves the same questions. Ready to find out if YOU are prepared for kids? Mark your answers, and find out below:

Are you ready to be a parent? Take this hilarious quiz to find out! parenting | motherhood | humor

1. Force yourself to stay up all night. Grab your cat and walk aimlessly around your house rocking it back and forth. Do NOT, under any circumstances, set the cat down. In the morning, will you:

a. Feel super! It was like an all-night bender in college but with less alcohol.
b. Immediately call in sick to work and spend the day rocking back and forth on the couch.
c. Push your husband down a flight of stairs.

2. Borrow a friend’s toddler and let her watch you poop. How did you react?

a. No problem! I didn’t even break eye contact.
b. It was a slightly uncomfortable experience, especially when she tried to feed me Cheerios.
c. I’d rather my mother watch me have anal sex than do that again.

3. Spend an entire weekend playing board games (but only ones that involve chutes, ladders, and Gum Drop Mountain) and making crafts with blunt scissors and washable markers. When it’s over, you think:

a. What a magical way to spend a weekend! It was like being a kid all over again.
b. Candyland can be enjoyable after six martinis.
c. I should have made a papier-mâché rope with which to hang myself.

4. Attempt to carry on a conversation with a friend while someone screams in your ear at the top of their lungs. Afterwards you feel:

a. Victorious.
b. Thirsty.
c. Sympathy for Charles Manson.

5. Someone asks you to buy a live squid, feed it cocaine, and attempt to put tiny shoes on each of his tiny suctioned feet (lace-up shoes, not Velcro). Your response?

a. That sounds hilarious! That squid will look adorable all dressed up.
b. It reminds me a lot of Spring Break 2001.
c. No can do, I just got a manicure. Can I keep that cocaine though?

RELATED: “Wrong Hole, Honey”
(26 Things I’ve Said While Dressing My Toddlers
and/or Boinking My Husband) 

6. Take an entire carton of Oreos, smash them to bits, and throw them like confetti into the back seat of your car. Then hide a dead goldfish in your air vent. After driving around for a week, you say:

a. Well, I made it three days before breaking down and driving through a car wash.
b. I’ve smelled worse things in my car.
c. Fuck you.

7. Volunteer to pick the lice out of a child’s hair. If you cannot find a lice-infested child, dump a bag of Moon Sand into your husband’s hair, then methodically pick out each grain with a small plastic comb. You find the experience:

a. Super fun! I’m always up for a challenge.
b. It was slightly more enjoyable than Candyland.
c. You had to Google Moon Sand.

You chose:

Mostly A’s: Flush your birth control down the toilet, find yourself a partner and get to fornicating. You’re either ready for parenting, or America’s Got Talent. Surround yourself with other helicopter parents and start those anxiety meds.

Mostly B’s: Children are not out of the realm of possibility for you, but be cautious. Why not take up chess or paddleboarding first? If you find these new hobbies bring you as much joy as watching your neighbor’s kid tear off his diaper and shit in his front yard, you may want to pump the brakes.

Mostly C’s: I urge you to reevaluate your decision to become a parent. If I were you, I would hesitate to buy even a hermit crab at this point.

This original piece by Julie Scagell was written exclusively for In the Powder Rooma division of Hold My Purse Productions, LLC. Image © Nastia1983 via depositphotos.com. 

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A twelve year veteran in the mother industry, Julie has recently added writer to her resume. In addition to a full time job, she is part time taxi driver, laundry folder, booger picker, and wine connoisseur. She has a Masters in Psychology which has proved useless in trying to understand her preteen daughter. She lives in Minnesota with her husband, 3 children, and ever growing tribe of pets. She has the attention span of a gnat, zero sense of direction and loses at least 3 things every day. Except for a minor situation at a county fair, her children are not on the short list of items she’s lost. She is extremely proud of this. You can find her writing on anothermotherblog.com, on Facebook or Twitter @74amb. She has been published on Scary Mommy, The Mid, Indie Chicks (among others). She is also proud to be a cadre writer for BLUNTmoms and is a contributor to TODAY Show Parenting Team.

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  1. Paula McDonald says

    Some of these suggestions were so humerous!! I have four grown kids and eight grandchildren, and I must admit having a baby and toddlers in the house is NOT a piece of cake. But I survived!

    I really do understand the spirit in which this article was written. However, my enjoyment was ruined with the profane words which leapt out at me…trashy four-letter words that add absolutely nothing to the article, but rather take away from it. Believe it or not, but there are still ordinary people like me who do not use such language at any time under any circumstance. Why? Because these words are not a part of my vocabulary. Why? Because there are scores of good, clean words with which to express myself. I cannot help but feel that the author of this piece is most certainly capable of writing without the use of profanity. I hope that they will try it. Thank you.

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