Keepsakes from your baby’s youth are adorable—except for the ones you can’t touch without surgical gloves and hand sanitizer.
I have no problem saying that I’m a less bloody version of Dexter. I’ve saved locks of hair, teeth, petrified shoes in metal and *gag* even *gag* kept a *gag* umbilical cord.
I admit to this so I have no problem getting MTV’s San Francisco Real World real here for a moment: parents are the weirdest kind of weird.
In sociopathic circles, these keepsakes would be called “trophies.” In parenting circles, these things are called “memories.”
There is no good reason for saving a piece of your child’s petrified, uterine feeding tube. None. Don’t tell me your good reason. It’s not good enough. One day, your child is going to stumble across it in a plastic bag in the back of your drawer and suddenly start applying for colleges and full-time residency in Europe. “Why do you want to attend Oxford?” you’ll ask. For so many reasons, but mostly because I’m afraid of my parents. I’ve seen things. Terrible things, they’ll think.
There is no good reason for saving a lock of your baby’s hair. It’s cute, but really… think about it. You have baggies of locks of hair. Do you stroke your cheek with them? Oh, you do. This just got very awkward. Moving on.
There is no good reason to save baby teeth. If you have a box of teeth in your home, then YOU HAVE A BOX OF TEETH IN YOUR HOME. Look at me. You have a box of teeth in your home.
There is no good reason for bronzing baby shoes. Preserving baby shoes in metal is super useless unless you are planning on creating a fully bronze robot baby. In that case, carry on. The world needs innovators like you.
While it’s true that children grow and memories fade, we don’t really need to be the people wearing teeth necklaces dipped in our placenta dust, do we? Do we? DO WE? Wait, maybe don’t answer that.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go huff my 8-year-old’s newborn hat from the hospital.