Are you a crappy crafter? There’s a place for you, but it isn’t Pinterest.
I know I am good at some things—spelling, for instance. I’m really good at spelling. M-I-S-S-I-S-S-I-P-P-I. I’m similarly excellent at petting my dog. Also: drinking mango lassis. I bet I would beat anyone at a mango lassi chugging contest.
But when it comes to Pinterest, I am worse than bad. In fact, my overwhelming emotion when browsing Pinterest is . . . confusion. Why? What on this good Earth would compel someone to layer a mini marshmallow, strawberry, banana slice and grape on a toothpick to make Grinch Kebobs? And then photograph it?
This kind of sacrilegious thinking is why I belong in Pinterest Purgatory, where the craftless souls wander around making straight lines with a wooden ruler. Think I’m exaggerating? Tell me, would you want this person mangling any of your “easy peasy” crafts or recipes?
- The other day I sliced skin off my thumb pad with a peeler and it got mixed into the pile of sweet potato skins, which were thankfully going into the trash.
- I once burned cupcakes from a mix and tried to pass the tops off as cookies.
- I make my husband shuck the corn because the stringy husk reminds me too much of spiders.
- My idea of doing arts and crafts with my child is coloring in a store-bought coloring book.
- I did not even bother buying a pumpkin to carve last year because it seemed like more trouble than it was worth.
- I am a repeat offender at the Department of Involuntary Plant-Slaughter. RIP, Zoe the Ficus—you didn’t even last one day.
- Instead of changing the water in a vase of fresh flowers, I scowl at it day after day as it becomes murkier and fouler, and then I snap at the person who got them for me my husband to throw the flowers away because I can’t handle the stench.
- I do not understand why I should bake a cake for my son’s birthday when there are amazing experts who specialize in such shenanigans a few blocks away.
- I once won a Chia Pet at a white trash Christmas costume party (first prize!) and I could not get one sprout to grow.
- I do not follow recipes. Ever. For a minute, I considered substituting paprika for punctuation in this post.
I should be banned, right? See, I told you.
So the next time you see me wandering around the aisles of Party City with my smartphone in one hand and an assortment of useless crap in the other, please, for the love of all that is holy, dry my tears and point me out the door. The liminal souls of Pinterest Purgatory simply can’t be trusted with crafts.