Porn Star Mom by Janie Emaus In the Powder Room

Porn Star Mom

Your mom’s in the porn industry? Awkward Parent/Teacher Conference badge unlocked!

 

Many years ago the left side of my brain spent the day lining up numbers and making sure everything balanced, while the right side wrote dialogue, creating characters with a balanced if not overly-active sex life. It doesn’t take either side to know which was the more pleasurable job.

During this period of my life, my daughter was in elementary school. As far as she knew, I worked in the accounting departing for a video company. But as we all know, tween girls and boys have big ears and even larger imaginations.

So there I was at a parent teacher conference. After discussing the usual academic issues, the teacher leaned forward with her hands clasped tightly in her lap.

“I do have something else to talk to you about,” she began. Beads of sweat formed on her forehead. Red blotches popped out on her cheeks. “This is sort of awkward.”

Awkward? I leaned forward in my chair. My heart pounded like a war drum and now I was twisting my hands.

“Some of the parents have asked me to talk to you about this.” The teacher looked away from my face.

Oh my God! What in the world did she want to tell me? Did my daughter pick her nose and eat the boogers? Did she fart in class? I was already embarrassed for my poor little girl and ready to come to her defense.

And then the teacher dropped her concern onto my lap with the intensity of a climax.

“Your daughter has been telling all her friends that you’re, um . . . in pornographic films.”

What? I was relieved that my daughter wasn’t doing any of the before mentioned activities, yet shocked at the accusation.

“Well,” the teacher went on, “she didn’t use those exact words. She said sexy movies.”

Trying not to smile, I told her that I did work for an adult video company. But I assured her that I was behind the scenes—not in front of the camera—and that I would have a talk with my daughter.

Really, all she had to do was look at me with my flap-jack boobs, plain Jane face and flat butt. I was hardly a porn star poster girl.

On my way to my car I started thinking. What if I was in the films? The actresses I knew were decent girls. No one was forcing them to act in front of the camera and no one was forcing anyone to watch them.

And actually, their movies were providing me with a good living—enough money to buy my daughter the same designer clothes that her friends wore, the friends with the moms who were so concerned about my job.

To this day, I often wish I had spoken my mind to that teacher.

Because aren’t we all just trying to be moms the best way we know how?

The answer to that question is a no brainer.

 

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Janie Emaus is the author of the time travel romance, Before the After, the young adult novel, Mercury in Retro Love, and a co-author of In the Powder Room’s hilarious best-selling anthology You Have Lipstick on Your Teeth. Janie blogs for The Huffington Post, Purple Clover, The Mid and Midlife Blvd. She is proud to be named a 2013 BlogHer Voice of the Year. Janie believes that when the world is falling apart, we’re just one laugh away from putting it together again. To learn more about Janie visit her blog www.theboomerrants.com and her author website www.JanieEmaus.com.

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    • says

      I was pretty much in shock, at first. And so relieved my daughter wasn’t doing anything gross or obscene. But I do wish I had spoken my mind to that teacher.

  1. says

    Should I EVER be accused of being in the porn industry, there will be dancing (and I have no rhythm) and high-kicking (and I can’t kick higher than my knees) and all sorts of mayhem!

    I’m a kinda new mom. To a 15-year old. And I’m learning that yes, you gotta do what you gotta do.

    Even when you wanna pull every single strand of your hair out…you do what you gotta do. =)

    • says

      Great comment. They might have been afraid for their life in that situation. And she didn’t need to fear that I was going to kiss her or anything.

  2. says

    I love you, Janie!!! I was waiting to read this story when you dropped the bomb at dinner that you worked in the industry. LOL!!

  3. Tina says

    Crazy story, Janie, and I think what shocks me most is that other parents had asked the teacher to say something. To what end? And did she report back? Sheesh!

    And love Carol’s comment about approaching the wife of an organized crime figure. Just imagine the response out of Carmella Soprano!

  4. says

    When I lived in Vegas whenever we saw a really hot mom we’d always wonder if they were in the industry. In Vegas it was pretty common and the lines b/w hot and HOT were VERY blurred. I wonder if the teachers and parents there even give it a second thought!

  5. Helene Cohen Bludman says

    This is one of my favorite stories of yours, Janie. This really needs to be your memoir!

  6. says

    Loved this one, Janie. I, too, can’t imagine getting together with other moms and bringing this to the attention of the teacher. Good Godfrey! Talk about Nosey Parkers! Maybe you should have said you’d feel more comfortable talking about this with all the moms involved over a drink at the strip club. You could all bring your favorite sex toys and “share”.

    • says

      OMG! Yes. After awhile just the theme music would put me to sleep. My husband would get all excited. We’d pop in the tape (before DVDs) and I would be asleep and he’d be all ready to “bang the night away!”

  7. says

    Did the teacher think you should quit your job and be respectably on welfare? No one would ever guess that I’d be a performer in an adult movie. Maybe the cleaning lady.

  8. Janine says

    Janie – seriously? You never thought of writing a memoir?? I’d grab it up in a New York minute! You are such a GREAT storyteller! Many years ago I was selling umm… clothing of sorts. Undercoverwear – lingerie and such. My mom came to one of my shows that my sister hosted (heaven help me)… thought my mom was going to pass out when I demonstrated how soft the men’s velcro underwear was by rubbing it – and then ripping it open. That sealed my black sheep of the family status for sure!
    Keep writing your butt off, lady – you are magic (and not in a porn star wand waving way)!

    • says

      Wow, Janine. Thanks so much. I mostly write fiction, when not writing blogs and essays. But I’m starting to think about a memoir. You’ve made my morning.

  9. says

    Too funny, Janie. There is actually an adult film actress and director who have a son who plays the same club sport as my son – different team. So, yeah, they do have lives and children and pay bills and attend their kids’ sporting events just like other moms and dads!

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