A few years ago, when I gave birth to my twin boys, I had every intention of exclusively breastfeeding them through at least their first year. After all, everyone knows that #breastisbest. Because if a phrase is preceded by a hashtag, it must be true.
But by the time my boys had hit the six-month mark, they’d stopped gaining weight, my milk production was dropping, and the devil pediatrician was recommending that we begin supplementing with formula.
So we did.
You see, I found out later that FORMULA IS POISON. How did I discover this? Well, for one, the Internet told me so (#formulaispoison). So did lots of other moms—the same moms, coincidentally, that had taught me that I hadn’t really “given birth” to my boys, since they’d been born via C-section.
So in order to spare other new moms from making the horrible mistake I did, I am offering them—right here, right now—definitive proof* that formula is poison.
1. Formula isn’t natural. Obviously, anything that isn’t taken directly from the human body must be poison. POISON. Think about it. Ammonia isn’t squeezed from the tits of a living, breathing human being. Neither is Clorox. Or motor oil. If we want to live natural, fulfilling lives, we must only consume liquids that derive directly from the human body: breast milk, sweat, urine, blood, stomach bile, and certain . . . natural lubricants.
It’s up to us to preserve our species. Seriously, imagine what would happen if we all started putting “unnatural” liquids into our bodies. Like Starbucks. Or penicillin. Or those medications that numb your belly before it is sliced open, and your kids are pulled out of it right in front of your face. We’d probably all die off, leaving behind nothing but robots and companies that manufacture baby formula to carry on our legacy.
2. Formula kills brain cells. For reals. I am living proof, folks. I drank formula as a baby, and I made one sorry excuse for the valedictorian of my college’s graduating class, with a GPA of 3.987. Not a 4.0—a deplorable, embarrassing 3.987. I fell .013 short. Because formula.
3. Formula-fed babies hate their moms. Since they miss out on the IRREPLACEABLE bonding experience of nursing, formula babies simply can’t form loving, trusting relationships with their mothers. Have you ever watched a mom give her baby a bottle while rocking him to sleep? You can just feel the hatred and resentment in the air. It’s so thick you can practically cut it with the sharp metal rim of a canister of formula. Don’t mistake that little smile on the infant’s lips for love or serenity. IT’S BABY RAGE.
I drank formula as a baby, and now that I’m a full-grown woman, I can’t stand my mother. Seriously. I only call her, like, four times a week. I only continue with our holiday cookie- decorating tradition for the sake of appearances. In reality, I hate cookies. And my mom. And Christmas.
4. THERE’S A WARNING RIGHT THERE IN THE NAME. Did you know that “Enfamil” is an anagram for “inflame”? As in, “Feed this stuff to your baby if you want to inflame every part of her body with toxic chemicals”?
5. Hitler’s mom fed him formula. Or so I’ve heard. If you’re gonna fill your baby’s bottle with Similac, you might as well grab a Sharpie and draw a big ol’ swastika on it. Because according to a recent study*, 99.99999% of evil dictators were formula-fed as babies.
*Of the anal sphincters of cattle, where bullshit was discovered.
6. Formula contains secret toxic chemicals. In fact, The Department of Homeland Security is in the midst of planning an undercover raid on Similac’s headquarters, after receiving an anonymous tip that the company was creating weapons of mass destruction. True* story.
*One hundred percent not true.
So there you have it, new moms. Somehow, despite half a year of formula ingestion, my boys are still alive—but clearly, the only thing that saved them from untimely death or major cognitive impairment were those first six months of breast milk (#colostrumsaveslives).
Although, sometimes, when I catch them wearing shoes on their hands or eating pieces of rubber tires at the playground, I can’t help wondering if their formula days are catching up to them.*
*Because no breastfed toddler has ever done something like that. Ever.