Welcome to our 8th installment of “Mother Rose Best,” our own unique weekly recap of The Bachelor, with bonus parenting advice mined from the rose-scented wreckage…
Week Eight meant hometown date time!
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The first destination was California, where Ben enjoyed a beach picnic with Amanda’s billowy, shoulder-less collection of blouses. Amanda saw her daughters for the first time since taking a motherhood sabbatical to win a new baby daddy on national TV. (Totally legit. Talk to your HR department.) It was touching despite the fact that the children were confused and wearing inappropriate footwear. The youngest not only had a deeper voice than her mommy, but also more sense, seeing how she expressed her weariness with the situation by screaming the entire drive home. Ben’s testicles receded so far into his body he cried sperm.
Surprisingly, Amanda was not hatched from a helium tank and a baby bunny, but rather from two sweet humans who questioned Ben’s “Insta-Dad” desires. After reading three sentences of a bedtime story, Ben declared himself parent-ready.
Next up was Portland, where Lauren showed off stereotypical sites such as food trucks, whiskey bars, and her flannel shirt. Ben endured deep parental probing like, “So you like Lauren, huh?” Her sister recited a list of Lauren’s attributes and made Ben cry.
In Ohio, Caila and Ben visited her father’s toy company, where Ben colored and Caila fantasized about his mannequin hands groping her in a play kitchen. Her dad waxed on about the downfalls of “microwave fame,” while her mom advised Caila to prove her love by “jumping on Ben” like a good little sex panther.
In Dallas, Jojo got a bouquet of roses from her ex-boyfriend. She called the little prick to reminisce about his douche-baggery while Ben knocked on her door. (Not a metaphor.) Ben, feeling a bit stepped upon, wished the guy could have at least picked another kind of flower.
Jojo’s family consisted of: her quiet dad, her belligerent brothers, and Charo. Ben nervously bit his nails as the brothers compared him to a cult leader and reiterated their attachment to Jojo. Her dad offered a nice relocation package should Ben propose.
After confessing her insecurities, Charo reminded Jojo she was impenetrable to pain because she was beautiful.
“What about the three other girls?” asked Jojo.
“Oh,” Charo answered, swigging champagne straight from the bottle.
The girls regrouped for a tense, silent rose ceremony. Ben, with tears in his eyes and a vasectomy on the calendar, dismissed Amanda.
Today’s lessons are brought to you by the word “PERSPECTIVE”:
1. Think you’re ready to be a parent? Spend the day with someone’s kids. Still ready? Wait five years.
2. Even if you
think know your buddy is making a giant relationship mistake, don’t dis the boyfriend/girlfriend in case they do stay together. Awkward!
3. Caila’s dad said, “There’s no playbook for love.” But if there was, it would say: “Two dates with someone you met on a game show? Slow your roll, kiddo.”
4. If someone’s ex can spawn an intense, emotional reaction, they’re not out of the picture—they’re photo-bombing it.
5. If the person you’re dating can’t fall in love because their standards are too high, you’re fine. They need to change.
“The Bachelor” airs Mondays at 8|7c on ABC.