In The Powder Room

Sep 24

7 Signs your child's teacher doesn't like you

Comments (44) by The Bearded Iris September 24, 2012 - 6:01 AM

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My kids are officially 6 weeks into the school year and it has become painfully apparent that one of my children's teachers doesn't care for me.

I am absolutely beside myself about this because deep down inside, I am nothing if not a people-pleaser. I hunger for the acceptance of others, particularly authority figures who have the ability to make or break my child's academic success.

I've spent a good deal of time analyzing the situation and can't for the life of me figure out what I've done to make this woman despise me so. But I've heard her message loud and clear, and want to share my findings with you as a public service.

If your child's teacher responds to you in any of the following ways, I suggest you step down and let your spouse take charge of all the parent/teacher communications from now on:

1. She never returns your texts, no matter what time of the day or evening you send them, even when the text includes funny emoticons like dancing bears or smiling turds.

2. She has never once sent her RSVP to any of your Scentsy parties, The Pampered Chef cooking shows, Creative Memories crop-a-thons, Tupperware demonstrations, or Pure Romance sex toy jamborees.

3. She makes you call her "Mrs. Jenkins" even though other parents in the class call her by an abbreviated version of her first name ("Rae" instead of "Rae Jean").

4. She never acknowledges you for the funny e-cards, cute cat photos, recipe swaps, or "If you don't forward this, you hate Jesus" emails you share with her multiple times a day.

5. She never accepts your invitations to play Words With Friends, FarmVille, Zynga Slingo, or Bubble Witch Saga.

6. She won't accept your repeated friend requests on Facebook, "like" your Facebook fan page, follow you back on Twitter, follow any of your Pinterest Boards, interact with you on Instagram, or comment on your blog.

7. Her "safety word" in your sexual play is "HELP! POLICE!"

by The Bearded Iris September 24, 2012 - 6:01 AM

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Comments (44)

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• 
  Report Sun Sep 30, 2012 - 10:08 pm

  by  dysfunctionaldose

  I would just go into TMI mode. Send her your Sexual Fantasy of the day Newsletter until you get her attention. Start with what you want to do with her husband in the "no safe word allowed" room! ;)

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  Report Mon Sep 24, 2012 - 6:41 pm

  by  Arnebya

  You let her choose her own safe word? I don't give my kids' teachers that option. The safe word must be: do it harder. Also, I think you should bake her weed brownies and don't tell her there's weed in them. Best gift ever, an unexpected high (unless of course she's found later with the janitor telling him to do it harder).

  Reply Delete
• 3 replies, Last reply by Jenn on Fri Sep 28, 2012 at 8:40 pm
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  Report Mon Sep 24, 2012 - 7:22 pm

  by  rachel

  @Arnebya: Arnebya, I swear, coffee just came out of my nose! (and I'm not even drinking coffee!)

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  Report Mon Sep 24, 2012 - 7:34 pm

  by  The Bearded Iris

  @rachel: TRUTH. Arnebya is HILARIOUS. She's going to write a post for us! Come on back this Friday for more of her brilliance!

  Reply Delete
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  Report Fri Sep 28, 2012 - 8:40 pm

  by  Jenn

  @Arnebya: I choked on my coffee on that one, and not just because I have coffe in the teachers lunge on Thursdays between doing volunteer reading with some of the classes....vivid images of them diving into the brownies and the fun that would follow, since I'm already privy to the recess coffee talk (hilarious)

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  Report Fri Sep 28, 2012 - 6:48 am

  by  JD @ Honest Mom

  Oh. So THAT's what I'm doing wrong. Thanks for the PSA, Beardy!

  Reply Delete
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  Report Thu Sep 27, 2012 - 6:48 pm

  by  Rachel

  Hmmm... I have the opposite problem. I like my daughter's teacher, she likes me (and we taught together years ago), but my daughter doesn't like her (and is convinced the teacher doesn't "get" her). It was almost easier when another daughter and I both disliked her teachers, and we were pretty sure they didn't like us either... Maybe we should try some of these hints, though!!! ;)

  Reply Delete
• 1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Thu Sep 27, 2012 at 11:54 pm
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  Report Thu Sep 27, 2012 - 11:54 pm

  by  The Bearded Iris

  @Rachel: If what you are trying to do is force the teacher to stop liking you, yes, exactly! Do these things. All of them. In order. Then report back! (From jail.)

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  Report Thu Sep 27, 2012 - 5:47 am

  by  Kim at Let Me Start By Saying

  OMG...safety word! And then I die laughing.

  Reply Delete
• 1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Thu Sep 27, 2012 at 11:53 pm
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  Report Thu Sep 27, 2012 - 11:53 pm

  by  The Bearded Iris

  @Kim at Let Me Start By Saying: Between my safety word and your lint doppelgänger, we are one fucked up pair of broads.

  Reply Delete
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  Report Wed Sep 26, 2012 - 11:29 pm

  by  Kelley

  The signs weren't clear to me before but now you have made it perfectly obvious. I thought she just didn't like my hair-do.

  Reply Delete
• 1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Thu Sep 27, 2012 at 11:53 pm
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  Report Thu Sep 27, 2012 - 11:53 pm

  by  The Bearded Iris

  @Kelley: It's probably a combination of your hair-do and your lack of boundaries. (I'm totally not projecting. Lie. I'm projecting.)

  Reply Delete
• 
  Report Tue Sep 25, 2012 - 10:42 pm

  by  Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

  I think the mistake you're making is not sending her ENOUGH app requests. People do love those, second only to political calls. Hey, maybe you could find out which party she is affiliated with and volunteer to make the calls to her house. You're welcome. Ellen

  Reply Delete
• 2 replies, Last reply by Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms on Wed Sep 26, 2012 at 5:47 pm
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  Report Wed Sep 26, 2012 - 4:59 pm

  by  The Bearded Iris

  @Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms: I like your thinking. Also I want to give her one of your custom made Brazilian Kitchen Twine Dispensers for Christmas. And I'm going to tell her I had it commissioned and modeled after her own vulva because I am in a prayer group with her OB/GYN. She's going to LOVE ME.

  Reply Delete
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  Report Wed Sep 26, 2012 - 5:47 pm

  by  Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

  @The Bearded Iris: I just snorted out my coffee.

  Reply Delete
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  Report Wed Sep 26, 2012 - 3:18 am

  by  Bec

  Super hilarious. http://www.memoirsofmeandmine.com/

  Reply Delete
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  Report Tue Sep 25, 2012 - 12:41 am

  by  lhewitt

  Does she not know your readers will cut a bitch?

  Reply Delete
• 2 replies, Last reply by lhewitt on Wed Sep 26, 2012 at 12:28 am
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  Report Tue Sep 25, 2012 - 1:59 am

  by  The Bearded Iris

  @lhewitt: Clearly not. Or if she does, she's not skeert.

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  Report Wed Sep 26, 2012 - 12:28 am

  by  lhewitt

  @The Bearded Iris: Good point - Teacher probably not skeert of too much these days.

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  Report Tue Sep 25, 2012 - 2:55 am

  by  Kim S.

  Yes, I totally just bought the Slingo game!! thank you very much! My family prob will not get dinner tonight!!

  Reply Delete
• 1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Tue Sep 25, 2012 at 9:07 am
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  Report Tue Sep 25, 2012 - 9:07 am

  by  The Bearded Iris

  @Kim S.: Hahaha! Just don't invite me to play. I swear I wasted two hours googling how to block a random nut job from sending me those invites via Facebook. (Bless her heart.)

  Reply Delete
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  Report Tue Sep 25, 2012 - 3:18 am

  by  hollow tree ventures

  Yikes, it sounds like a LOT of people must not like me, except most of the safety words I hear sound like "MmmmphhhMMMHhhphh."

  Reply Delete
• 1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Tue Sep 25, 2012 at 9:06 am
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  Report Tue Sep 25, 2012 - 9:06 am

  by  The Bearded Iris

  @hollow tree ventures: Well screw them, sister. WE like you. Just don't ask me to come to your Crop-a-Thon. Or baby shower. I fucking hate baby showers.

  Reply Delete
• 
  Report Tue Sep 25, 2012 - 5:04 am

  by  tracy

  Geesh, teachers nowadays are so damn sensitive. I remember the good old days when my parents would invite my teachers over for threesomes and it was totally no big deal. I miss the 70s.

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• 1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Tue Sep 25, 2012 at 9:05 am
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  Report Tue Sep 25, 2012 - 9:05 am

  by  The Bearded Iris

  @tracy: Oooh, that would be a good post: differences between schools now and then. Did they even HAVE parent-teacher conferences? Fund Runs? I'ma have to ask my mama. She won't remember. Ask your mama and report back!

  Reply Delete
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  Report Mon Sep 24, 2012 - 11:23 pm

  by  Jessica

  This is hilarious. I have to admit I did feel extra special when my daughter's teacher gave me her cell number AND sent me a text.

  Reply Delete
• 1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Tue Sep 25, 2012 at 1:58 am
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  Report Tue Sep 25, 2012 - 1:58 am

  by  The Bearded Iris

  @Jessica: WOW. That IS special. I say if the teacher crosses that line, follow her lead. Maybe just don't include smiling turd emoticons when you text back! :)

  Reply Delete
• 
  Report Mon Sep 24, 2012 - 10:36 pm

  by  Thelma

  Too funny! With social media being so prevalent do you think there are people who really cross this line? If I were a teacher and got these kinds of messages from a students parent I would definitely take out a restraining order. Only you could think this up. Thanks for the laugh!

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• 1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Tue Sep 25, 2012 at 1:57 am
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  Report Tue Sep 25, 2012 - 1:57 am

  by  The Bearded Iris

  @Thelma: You're welcome Thelma! Gosh, you know, I wrote this as an extreme, but I bet there are people who have boundary issues and get too friendly with their teachers in a bad way. I was actually inspired to write this because of an incident recently where I called a teacher by her first name in a private email and she politely let me know she preferred to be called "Mrs. _____." NOTED! (And I guess I shouldn't invite her to my Pure Romance party either.)

  Reply Delete
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  Report Mon Sep 24, 2012 - 10:23 pm

  by  Kristin

  I love this list! Very funny. I used to make calls home in the evenings (when, hello? people are HOME!), but I always blocked my number first. And then people started getting savvy - sometime during 1996, I think - and stopped accepted phone calls with numbers that were blocked. Then I had to just call from the school phone - and strangely, many of my messages were never acknowledged or received. Sneaky high schoolers.

  Reply Delete
• 1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Tue Sep 25, 2012 at 1:54 am
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  Report Tue Sep 25, 2012 - 1:54 am

  by  The Bearded Iris

  @Kristin: Thank you Kristin! Oooh, blocking your number - brilliant! Can you still do that? Hmmmm.

  Reply Delete
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  Report Mon Sep 24, 2012 - 8:29 pm

  by  Danielle

  I didn't even know teachers let you have their personal numbers!?!?! My kid is still "pre" school. This might be a new level of awesomeness to look forward to ;-)

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• 4 replies, Last reply by DrunkMummy on Tue Sep 25, 2012 at 12:59 am
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  Report Mon Sep 24, 2012 - 9:42 pm

  by  The Bearded Iris

  @Danielle: Oh honey, they don't (usually). This is totally a joke. I would NEVER ever EVER do any of these things! I would never text my kid's teacher or bug them on Facebook. I was just trying to create a caricature of the world's most inappropriate parent.

  Reply Delete
• 
  Report Mon Sep 24, 2012 - 10:22 pm

  by  Toni / Expat Mum

  @The Bearded Iris: Oooh, beware of "jokes". I've just alienated half my school by writing a tongue in cheek piece about parent volunteering at school. I thought that if I used "The Dark Side" in the title of a piece about schools it would automatically be taken as slightly ironic. Apparently not.....

  Reply Delete
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  Report Tue Sep 25, 2012 - 12:59 am

  by  DrunkMummy

  @Toni / Expat Mum: Ignore them Toni - they're obviously just utter, humorless bastards!

  Reply Delete
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  Report Tue Sep 25, 2012 - 12:21 am

  by  Danielle

  @The Bearded Iris: Too bad. I was looking forward to that one. LOL Guess I'll just have to start making inappropriate gifts for my child to give on teacher's day! :-)

  Reply Delete
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  Report Mon Sep 24, 2012 - 9:26 pm

  by  SaidKristin

  I know it's not the same, but *I* loved the funny e-card you sent me. And I'll play WWF with you anytime. Just remember - "clit" is not an acceptable word.

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• 3 replies, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Mon Sep 24, 2012 at 10:06 pm
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  Report Mon Sep 24, 2012 - 9:40 pm

  by  The Bearded Iris

  @SaidKristin: Thank you, ma'am! Also, "QUEEF" and "QUEEFER" are not legal words. Pity. I'd actually rather lick a subway rail than cross that professional barrier with one of my child's teachers by inviting them to play with me or texting them or whatever, but I thought it was really funny to imagine what it would look like if someone had no boundaries! Hey, if I can make myself laugh, I'm ahead for the day.)

  Reply Delete
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  Report Mon Sep 24, 2012 - 9:46 pm

  by  SaidKristin

  @The Bearded Iris: Yeah, the whole sexual role play at the end kind of tipped me off that it was satire. ;) (Kidding - I knew from the start it was satire.) But yeah, as the wife and daughter of teachers, you'd be surprised at the lack of boundaries parents have. My husband and mom have turned down numerous Facebook friend requests over the years. Makes you wonder - are those parents going to great lengths to keep tabs on their teachers, or are they really just that clueless? And I once told a friend that licking a Subway tile would be a fate worse than death for me. True story. So, it's funny you should use that example.

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  Report Mon Sep 24, 2012 - 10:06 pm

  by  The Bearded Iris

  @SaidKristin: Yeah, you're pretty smart like that. I actually witnessed my 5-year-old son put his open mouth on the shopping cart handle last week and thought I would faint. The older I get, the more psycho I am about germs.

  Reply Delete
• 
  Report Mon Sep 24, 2012 - 9:03 pm

  by  Allison Hart

  She should be grateful to you. You're trying to keep her in line with Jesus and cute cats, and you even generously gave her a safe word. Teachers these days are so high maintenance!

  Reply Delete
• 1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Mon Sep 24, 2012 at 9:40 pm
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  Report Mon Sep 24, 2012 - 9:40 pm

  by  The Bearded Iris

  @Allison Hart : Right? I mean, I say it's just being friendly. ;)

  Reply Delete
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  Report Mon Sep 24, 2012 - 8:19 pm

  by  Jamie@southmainmuse

  I was swimming early this morning and another mom (who teaches exercise classes) said that my youngest's teacher had asked her why I wasn't showing up for early morning classes at the gym. I had to switch gyms because of trainer war drama. The teacher thought I was avoiding going to classes at the old gym because of her. I'm room mom too. So my child's teacher thinks I've been intentionally avoiding her at the gym. This is sure to be a super year.

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• 1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Mon Sep 24, 2012 at 8:35 pm
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  Report Mon Sep 24, 2012 - 8:35 pm

  by  The Bearded Iris

  @Jamie@southmainmuse: Oh Lawd. Say it with me now: AAAAWK-WAAAARD.

  Reply Delete