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The mother of embarrassing moments
Those embarrassing moments . . . we've all had them, and we never forget them.
We say something we shouldn't have said, or do something we didn't mean to do; only to realize, too late, what a huge gaffe we've just made.
One of my best girlfriends tells the story of a co-ed high school gym class where everyone was sitting in a circle on the floor. The gym teacher was in the middle, giving instructions for the game they were about to play. When he paused for questions, my friend accidentally passed gas.
The way she tells the story, she thought for sure it was going to be silent. But unfortunately, due to the acoustics in the gym and the fact that her uniformed butt was pressed up against a glossy wood floor, it ended up sounding like a raucous round of applause. The noise actually startled her so much she blurted, "Oh! Excuse me! I just farted!" and then clasped her hands over her face, silently wishing a lightening bolt would strike her dead rather than having to make eye contact with any of her hysterically laughing classmates.
If only my most embarrassing moment could be blamed on a bodily function! But no. Naturally my gaffe came from my big mouth.
I was conducting a training class for a group of newly hired salespeople in a very small, conservative Southern town.
I don't remember exactly what the topic was, but I wanted to make a joke about kids and was intending to call them something cute and a little bit derogatory like "rug rats" or "ankle biters" or "crumb snatchers." In my mind, I was visualizing my own kids who were both under the age of 3 at the time and spent a lot of time on the floor, finding random things to stick in their mouths.
Unfortunately, there was some hideous misfire between my brain and my mouth and the punch line of my joke morphed into me blurting, "Damn carpet munchers!"
I heard the words come out of my mouth in slow motion and then saw the look of horror on my co-worker Nate's face.
My eyes widened to the size of dinner plates as Nate started to cough uncontrollably.
I probably should have just barreled through, pretending it didn't happen, but instead, I attempted to remove the foot from my mouth.
"Ohmygod! Did I just say ‘carpet munchers'? I totally meant to say ‘crumb snatcher'! Of course kids don't munch carpet! That would be really unsanitary. And by carpet, I mean actual carpet, not ‘carpet' (wink wink, point at my crotch)."
I looked over at Nate. The color was draining from his face.
Wait! I could fix this!
"What I meant to say was ‘Aren't kids funny? The way they will just stick any ol' thing in their mouths?'"
Nate stood up suddenly and said, "Why don't we pause for a ten minute break."
"Yes, that's a great idea," I said, fanning myself and dabbing the perspiration from my crimson brow.
And then I farted.
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Comments (52)
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Report Fri Sep 28, 2012 - 9:51 pmOh my goodness! I laughed so much reading this! Brilliant!Reply -
Report Mon Sep 24, 2012 - 7:53 pmJust cracked a rib laughing. Between the cackling and the butt clenching to avoid emitting socially undesirable noises, I’m sure I’ve done some personal injury. Hope your liability insurance is up to date. I am officially never reading your blog in public again.Reply
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Report Mon Sep 17, 2012 - 6:36 pmCarpet Munchers!!!!! I died! That is hilarious!Reply
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3 replies, Last reply by SaidKristin on Wed Sep 19, 2012 at 11:19 pm
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Wed Sep 19, 2012 - 11:15 pm
The story about your friend farting in gym class had me laughing out loud. Farts are just funny. Apparently I'm a 12YO boy trapped in the body of a 37YO woman. As for misfires between brain mouth, I will never forget the time when my dad was telling my husband - then brand new boyfriend - about some of my naked baby photos (as parents are wont to do). It was only, like, the second time the two of them had ever met and suddenly my dad says, "And there you were, just baring your twat to the camera." My husband's eyes got huge and his face turned bright red and he may have sputtered a bit. As for me, I audibly gasped and said, "DAD! I don't think that word means what you think it means!" He, of course, was talking about my bare baby bottom. Not my actual, um... twat.Reply -
Report Wed Sep 19, 2012 - 10:08 pmOMG I laughed so hard I farted!!Reply
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Report Tue Sep 18, 2012 - 8:37 pmI am glad I am not the only one who hasn't learned to just STOP TALKING!! I told the guy at Home Depot that I needed a very fine grit sand paper to do a "hand job", all the while making the back and forth motions of sanding the piece. I meant that I needed to do the job by hand, not with my sander, but it just came out wrong. I think he just about died laughing...Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Wed Sep 19, 2012 at 9:10 pm
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Report Wed Sep 19, 2012 - 2:24 amOh my hahaha! I died of laughter over this one! That's worse then passing gas in a swimming pool:/ And, the pedophile comments are just Oh my! We need to go have drinks together someday!Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Wed Sep 19, 2012 at 9:09 pm
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Report Wed Sep 19, 2012 - 2:41 amDamn carpet munchers.Reply
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2 replies, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Wed Sep 19, 2012 at 9:08 pm
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Report Wed Sep 19, 2012 - 3:24 amExcellent! I've started my day snorting and laughing but not yet farting!Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Wed Sep 19, 2012 at 9:07 pm
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Report Wed Sep 19, 2012 - 5:21 amThat's too funny, I'm surprised you were able to keep talkiing as I would have been laughing too many tears to talk. While doing my Masters, I had to give a presentation of the Ikea business model of keeping down costs and touched how customers are able to pick up what they need . . . I actually stated "customers are able to service themselves" and it felt like I could hear the words milli-seconds before the words actually exited my mouth, but I was not able to stop myself! I looked out to the audience in auditorium and everyone was laughing, snickering, and to make it worse, my prof had his head on the table while his entire body was shaking from laughter. It took me at least 7min to stop laughing myself and dry away my tears before I could speak a full sentence.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Wed Sep 19, 2012 at 9:06 pm
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Report Tue Sep 18, 2012 - 6:21 pmOh no - hahahaha - this was just a train wreck that kept getting worse. I was in a conference at work one day and a woman who was speaking was talking about Dick, our lead sales guy who was doing an awesome job. She started everything off with an excited statement of "Everyone loves Dick!" She turned red but kept on with her presentation listening to snickers in the audience for the next 10 minutes.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Tue Sep 18, 2012 at 8:08 pm
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Report Tue Sep 18, 2012 - 6:02 pmmy eyes are tearing up from laughing!!! Thankfully my most embarrassing moment only had to do with a weak chair in the middle of orchestra practice (as if being in orchestra wasn't bad in enough). Thank you for sharingReply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Tue Sep 18, 2012 at 8:07 pm
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Report Tue Sep 18, 2012 - 7:00 amI would love to have you lead one of my meetings. I would have anecdotes for ages. :) EllenReply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Tue Sep 18, 2012 at 8:04 pm
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Report Tue Sep 18, 2012 - 4:55 amI bought my husband a shirt that says "Proud Carpet Muncher." He loves it. I do what I can to pimp his skillz. ;)Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Tue Sep 18, 2012 at 8:02 pm
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Report Tue Sep 18, 2012 - 3:32 amOnly because carpet munchers is actually one of my favorite expressions (and what does that say about me really?) can I say that I have actually made this same (homophobic) mistake. Hysterical! Except I didn't continue digging my hole (yes, I said MY HOLE) deeper with every word that fell out of my mouth. Funny, lady. Very funny.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Tue Sep 18, 2012 at 8:01 pm
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Tue Sep 18, 2012 - 10:34 am
Too funny!Reply -
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Tue Sep 18, 2012 - 6:53 am
Coke spit & choke! No unsanitary carpet munching allowed in small southern towns. You know how I feel about gas passage. shit...Reply -
Report Tue Sep 18, 2012 - 5:44 amHil-ar-i-ous!!!Reply
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Report Tue Sep 18, 2012 - 2:20 amI was teaching a class on social media to Realtors and accidentally said that the past tense of tweet was twat......Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Tue Sep 18, 2012 at 3:12 am
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Report Tue Sep 18, 2012 - 12:23 amERMAHGERD you're killing me. If it hadn't been for the (wink wink, point at my crotch) part, I'm sure you could have saved it. Bwahahahaha.Reply
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3 replies, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Tue Sep 18, 2012 at 3:11 am
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Report Tue Sep 18, 2012 - 1:27 amI. Die. LMAOReply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Tue Sep 18, 2012 at 1:55 am
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Report Tue Sep 18, 2012 - 1:22 amLMBO! Thanks Leslie for sharing that ! I was laughing so hard I couldn't swallow my sip of coke! It stayed there, in my mouth, thank goodness until it was warm, but I had to make sure I didn't have any come out of me nostrils! BRB . . . I need to go fix my makeup *grin*Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Tue Sep 18, 2012 at 1:55 am
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Report Tue Sep 18, 2012 - 12:06 amOMG! Lol. My son has announced that a lady "was humongous", said another lady was "too big to be in the pool", mooned a room full of mom's and little girls while shouting "HEY! Look at my butt!", and yesterday my daughter told my husband's co worker that I didn't like his kid after I told her to watch her dogs because he kept trying to run them over with toys. . . And he called me out on it BUT none of those occurred on a stage! I would be mortified! Glad I'm not the only one having to pick myself back up, tone down my bright red lobster face, and do my best to move on while attempting to cover my ass. Thanks for the GREAT read! :)Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Tue Sep 18, 2012 at 1:53 am
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Mon Sep 17, 2012 - 10:28 pm
Thank you for making me feel MUCH better about myself!Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Tue Sep 18, 2012 at 1:51 am
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Report Mon Sep 17, 2012 - 10:15 pmLOLOL....well, ladies, I just learned something today!!! Too funny!Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Tue Sep 18, 2012 at 1:51 am
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Report Mon Sep 17, 2012 - 9:57 pmWhat does it say about me that when I saw "carpet munchers" my mind immediately when to 'carpet' instead of actual Berber or something? Hilariously embarassing - which means I'm SO glad that didn't happen to me! Thanks for sharing the shame...lolReply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Tue Sep 18, 2012 at 1:50 am
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Mon Sep 17, 2012 - 9:52 pm
You ladies are KILLING me In the Powder room lately. HILARIOUS!!!Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Tue Sep 18, 2012 at 1:49 am
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