8 Crimes of fashion you should avoid
For someone who basically looks like she got dressed in the dark while drunk, I am quite the fashion critic. You see, unless I happen to walk past a mirror or a shop window, I don't really have to look at what I'm wearing. But I do have to look at what everyone else is wearing and more often than not, I do not like what I see. No, I do not.
Here's some of my fashion nuh-uh-uhs for your careful consideration:
1. White anything. Whether it be white trousers, white shoes, white underpants, you're just asking for a menstrual accident, if you ask me.
2. Shoes that are too many shades lighter than the rest of your clothes. It's about balance, people. It's like turning a pint of Guinness upside down: it's disconcerting and nobody wins.
3. Shoulder pads (particularly in children clothing. Yes, children's clothing). Unless you yourself are appearing as an extra in a Grace Jones biopic or you're hiring your child out as a makeshift heliport, I don't think this is appropriate, do you? Actually, on second thoughts, appearing as an extra in a Grace Jones biopic or hiring your child out as a makeshift heliport isn't that appropriate either, but would probably depend on the hourly rate.
4. Animal prints. Are you on safari? I don't think so.
5. Denim on denim. The only things that should match like that are your pyjama tops and bottoms and your bra and knickers-but even then, only if you're planning to get laid.
6. VEW (Visible Elasticated Waistbands). Wearing an elasticated waistband is like having a good crap: it might make you feel more comfortable but nobody else needs to see it.
7. Multi-purpose clothing. Is it a cardigan, a dress, a wrap or a horse blanket? Face facts, lady: you are wearing a Thneed.
8. Blouses or dresses that tie in a bow at the back. Aprons are aprons. Clothes are clothes. Their unholy union makes a mockery of everything I've ever fought for.
So, the next time you're getting dressed, ask yourself "What would The NDM do?" and then get dressed in the dark while drunk.