In The Powder Room

Oct 08

8 Crimes of fashion you should avoid

Comments (22) by TheNDM October 08, 2012 - 6:01 AM

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For someone who basically looks like she got dressed in the dark while drunk, I am quite the fashion critic. You see, unless I happen to walk past a mirror or a shop window, I don't really have to look at what I'm wearing. But I do have to look at what everyone else is wearing and more often than not, I do not like what I see. No, I do not.

Here's some of my fashion nuh-uh-uhs for your careful consideration:

1. White anything. Whether it be white trousers, white shoes, white underpants, you're just asking for a menstrual accident, if you ask me.

2. Shoes that are too many shades lighter than the rest of your clothes. It's about balance, people. It's like turning a pint of Guinness upside down: it's disconcerting and nobody wins.

3. Shoulder pads (particularly in children clothing. Yes, children's clothing). Unless you yourself are appearing as an extra in a Grace Jones biopic or you're hiring your child out as a makeshift heliport, I don't think this is appropriate, do you? Actually, on second thoughts, appearing as an extra in a Grace Jones biopic or hiring your child out as a makeshift heliport isn't that appropriate either, but would probably depend on the hourly rate.

4. Animal prints. Are you on safari? I don't think so.

5. Denim on denim. The only things that should match like that are your pyjama tops and bottoms and your bra and knickers-but even then, only if you're planning to get laid.

6. VEW (Visible Elasticated Waistbands). Wearing an elasticated waistband is like having a good crap: it might make you feel more comfortable but nobody else needs to see it.

7. Multi-purpose clothing. Is it a cardigan, a dress, a wrap or a horse blanket? Face facts, lady: you are wearing a Thneed.

8. Blouses or dresses that tie in a bow at the back. Aprons are aprons. Clothes are clothes. Their unholy union makes a mockery of everything I've ever fought for.

So, the next time you're getting dressed, ask yourself "What would The NDM do?" and then get dressed in the dark while drunk.

by TheNDM October 08, 2012 - 6:01 AM

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Comments (22)

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• 
  Report Sun Oct 14, 2012 - 6:07 pm

  by  Dorothy

  Awks giraffe!

  Reply Delete
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  Report Mon Oct 8, 2012 - 4:39 pm

  by  Kim Bongiorno

  You would be an awesome hostess of What Not To Wear: Drunken Menstrual Safari Edition. Spot on, every time.

  Reply Delete
• 2 replies, Last reply by TheNDM on Thu Oct 11, 2012 at 6:41 am
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  Report Wed Oct 10, 2012 - 11:22 am

  by  TheNDM

  @Kim Bongiorno: Oh, you flatter me.... you, um, flatterer. For the record, I have seen your profile picture and I suspect you would look in a potato sack... which should be my NINTH fashion "nuh-uh-uh". Looking good in a potato sack should not be allowed! Ever!

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  Report Thu Oct 11, 2012 - 6:41 am

  by  TheNDM

  @TheNDM: Or even "you would look GOOD in a potato sack". I'm assuming that you would only LOOK in a potato sack if you thought there was something worthwhile in it. Like a potato.

  Reply Delete
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  Report Wed Oct 10, 2012 - 8:13 pm

  by  rootietoot

  Thank you for not putting velour track suits on your list. I live in those things. While they do have an elastic waist, I never tuck the shirt in so no one knows...well ok they do because it's a velour track suit...but at least they don't actually SEE it.

  Reply Delete
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  Report Tue Oct 9, 2012 - 12:55 am

  by  Allison Hart

  I have one of those convertible cardigans and I never know how to wear the dang thing. It's a jack of all trades, master of none. But you're right. It's a thneed.

  Reply Delete
• 2 replies, Last reply by Allison Hart on Wed Oct 10, 2012 at 4:30 pm
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  Report Wed Oct 10, 2012 - 11:28 am

  by  TheNDM

  @Allison Hart : You're welcome. For the record, those convertible cardigans look best when stored at the bottom of your wardrobe in a discarded heap.

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  Report Wed Oct 10, 2012 - 4:30 pm

  by  Allison Hart

  @TheNDM: That's precisely where mine is. Have you noticed that those useless cardigans are more expensive than actual wearable cardigans?

  Reply Delete
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  Report Tue Oct 9, 2012 - 9:20 am

  by  BigLittleWolf

  Excellent rules! On both sides of the pond! And any season... Might we add 6" platform heels on short women? Bad. Very bad.

  Reply Delete
• 1 reply, Last reply by TheNDM on Wed Oct 10, 2012 at 11:33 am
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  Report Wed Oct 10, 2012 - 11:33 am

  by  TheNDM

  @BigLittleWolf: Good point. My general policy regarding footwear is to only wear shoes that I can make a quick getaway in. It's served me (and my getaways) well.

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  Report Tue Oct 9, 2012 - 8:11 am

  by  Ninja mom

  I thneed your help. There's a horse in my closet demanding to borrow my beach cover-up/picnic blanket. Ah, we'll, he can have it. I've got plentiful white denim on white denim to wear.

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• 1 reply, Last reply by TheNDM on Wed Oct 10, 2012 at 11:32 am
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  Report Wed Oct 10, 2012 - 11:32 am

  by  TheNDM

  @Ninja mom: Aw, thanks! Now I've got Moody Blues' "Knights in White Denim" stuck in my head....

  Reply Delete
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  Report Tue Oct 9, 2012 - 5:41 am

  by  lhewitt

  Excellent list. I usually wear at least half of what I sleep in the next day anyway.

  Reply Delete
• 1 reply, Last reply by TheNDM on Wed Oct 10, 2012 at 11:29 am
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  Report Wed Oct 10, 2012 - 11:29 am

  by  TheNDM

  @lhewitt: Same here... and I usually sleep in what I've worn the day before. It's amazing how long one tshirt can last if enough underarm deodorant is applied at regular intervals.

  Reply Delete
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  Report Mon Oct 8, 2012 - 8:34 pm

  by  Jane

  I'm so glad you are taking a stand on the white! I completely agree it should never be worn and no one ever looks good in anything white below the waist - anything!

  Reply Delete
• 1 reply, Last reply by TheNDM on Wed Oct 10, 2012 at 11:27 am
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  Report Wed Oct 10, 2012 - 11:27 am

  by  TheNDM

  @Jane: My biggest peeve is the underpants multi-pack with the token white pair. Why? WHY???

  Reply Delete
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  Report Mon Oct 8, 2012 - 8:13 pm

  by  Lisa Thomson

  Excellent list :) Can I add the cropped cotton pant with strings hanging from the pant leg? God, I hate those and the women wearing them appear to be sober! And now I'm seeing the 'Genie pant' with the crotch hanging to the knees, why?

  Reply Delete
• 1 reply, Last reply by TheNDM on Wed Oct 10, 2012 at 11:26 am
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  Report Wed Oct 10, 2012 - 11:26 am

  by  TheNDM

  @Lisa Thomson: The Genie pant is only for people who are comfortable looking like they are planning to shit themselves. End of story.

  Reply Delete
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  Report Mon Oct 8, 2012 - 7:33 pm

  by  Janie Emaus

  This is hilarious! I pretty much looked like I got dressed in the dark, too.

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• 1 reply, Last reply by TheNDM on Wed Oct 10, 2012 at 11:23 am
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  Report Wed Oct 10, 2012 - 11:23 am

  by  TheNDM

  @Janie Emaus: We should probably stay in the dark, right? Rooms with bright lights that show up the wine stains are my natural enemy.

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  Report Mon Oct 8, 2012 - 1:01 pm

  by  Shirls2012

  I howled with laughter at the VEW point, But match PJs? Oh no. I think pink and purple look just fine together, topped by a red fleecy robe...

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• 1 reply, Last reply by TheNDM on Wed Oct 10, 2012 at 11:20 am
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  Report Wed Oct 10, 2012 - 11:20 am

  by  TheNDM

  @Shirls2012: I hasten to add I'm only an advocate for matching PJs in exceptional circumstances such as when the Queen of England visits you in the maternity hospital or when you want to get your leg over. Or even when you want to get your leg over the Queen of England. Um, how did I get here?

  Reply Delete