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I was a great parent before I had children
My husband and I were married for five years before we had children. We watched parenting from the sidelines and we became experts.
With our mental parenting manual in place, 803 parenting books on our shelves, and a 4-page birth plan, we became parents.
When our first son was a toddler, guests would often ask, "How can you have all of your pretty things out?" and "You don't have baby gates?"
My husband and I would share a knowing glance and we would respond, "We set clear boundaries."
In our minds, this was code for "Our excellent parenting is clearly paying off. The rest of you whiners should try saying "no-no" to little Johnny!"
In everyone else's mind, this was code for "Just wait for the second born."
When our second son arrived during a thunderstorm on the 4th of July, weighing in at almost 12 pounds, he had a fist raised in the air "Power to the People" style.
You can imagine our shock when he refused to follow the manual.
We said "no-no" in clear, firm voices.
He threw the dishes, anyway.
We shushed him and reminded him about "inside voices."
He let out loud whoops of laughter and shouted "AMEN" during silent prayers at church.
We provided a safe environment for him.
He proudly told the ER doctor how he leapt from the dining room table but the cape (aka tablecloth) was faulty.
His first word was "Uh-oh!"
The sound of "uh-oh" followed by his big brother's "Oh.no.oh.no." acted as an alarm. I would just step into the shower or just sit on the potty (the manual required that I start using words like "potty") and I would hear their chorus:
"Uh-oh!"
"Oh.no.oh.no."
"Uh-oh!"
"Oh.no.oh.no."
I would begin the crazy mom run toward the chorus. On a good day, I remembered to pull up my pants or cover myself with a towel.
One such day, I was battling to actually complete a phone conversation with "Mrs. Judgie McJudgerson."
She was explaining to me the importance of setting clear boundaries and teaching our children good manners. "Interrupting Mommy while she is on the phone is a no-no."
In a desperate attempt to please her and regain my status as a good mother, I repeated her mantra to my toddlers.
"Interrupting Mommy while she is on the phone is a no-no."
My firstborn nodded in agreement and promptly left the room.
My second born stripped himself naked and stormed out.
Grateful that McJudgerson couldn't see my naked toddler, I marked one up for "good mommy."
I should have been suspicious when he waltzed through wearing only his cowboy boots.
Moments later, I heard the chorus.
"Uh-oh."
"Oh.no.oh.no."
I stretched the phone cord (yes, I am that old) far enough to see my toddler stomping on his discarded and dirty diaper with his cowboy boots.
Forgetting that I was still holding the phone, I shouted "Why are you naked and why are you stomping poop all over my floor!?"
To my horror, I heard McJudgerson say "That is definitely a no-no!"
That day, I vowed to apologize to everyone that I had ever made the "clear boundaries" speech to.
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Comments (31)
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Tue May 21, 2013 - 2:27 pm
Nuns. Nothing beats my taking parenting advice from electively childless women. I hope you burned the cowboy boots.Reply -
Report Wed Nov 28, 2012 - 9:53 pmI was one of the lucky ones that had a handful for my first child, which spared me from this mistkae. So I only made idiotic comments like those before I had kids (and was therefore obviously the best person to make judgements about parenting.) Clearly anyone who had been parenting for more than five minutes would have known I was a complete idiot and ignored me.Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by HouseTalkN on Sun Jan 6, 2013 at 7:05 am
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Report Wed Nov 7, 2012 - 11:45 pmOh, wow, that was hilarious! Maybe the funniest thing I have read all day, which high praise, since I am stumbling around Finding the Funny. "He shouted Amen during silent prayers!" That one actually made me laugh out loud. Love this post!Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by HouseTalkN on Fri Nov 9, 2012 at 12:18 am
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Report Wed Nov 7, 2012 - 6:48 amOh my goodness, that is the funniest story because I have so been there! My first was also a delightfully compliant, obedient child... Then the second came! So glad I found you onPinterest!Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by HouseTalkN on Wed Nov 7, 2012 at 6:33 pm
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Report Thu Nov 1, 2012 - 9:19 pmI found your blog On Find the Funny... and I'm so glad I stopped by :) I'm finding the same to be true for us... and we have a third hellion on the way (OMG, forget about carpet...we might as well rip that up right now and leave it as subfloor). You can check out the antics at my crib via www.3monkeysandamartini.com, and feel free to leave your link on our "add a link" page. I love spreading the word about funny ladies, and you are definitely one.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by HouseTalkN on Sat Nov 3, 2012 at 8:23 pm
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Report Wed Oct 31, 2012 - 10:42 amSo why hasn't a movie been made about your family!? Because it would be funny and hair-raising and contemporary. (OK, scratch that last adjective, you used an old a** phone.) Loved reading this post! Great, just great!Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by HouseTalkN on Wed Oct 31, 2012 at 6:36 pm
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Tue Oct 30, 2012 - 5:34 am
Hey Kerry, Stopped at one. He was a perfect angel, not a minutes trouble, slept through the night from birth, potty trained himself (at 6 months), never broke anything, never sick - o.k. I'm gonna quit lying now. I stopped at one.Reply -
2 replies, Last reply by lhewitt on Wed Oct 31, 2012 at 4:16 am
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Report Tue Oct 30, 2012 - 8:47 am. . . a glutton for punishment, my firstborn was VERY much a "free spirit". I went on to have three SONS! Great article friend! Warmly, MichelleReply
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1 reply, Last reply by HouseTalkN on Tue Oct 30, 2012 at 6:24 pm
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Report Tue Oct 30, 2012 - 3:32 amI can't wipe the smile off my face. Why is it always the second born that turns out that way? My boys will always remember the day mom asked them to stay quiet while she is in the bathroom. And they weren't toddlers!! They were like 8 and 15 yrs old. Well, lets just say that they weren't. I walked into the kitchen and was so angry that I smashed a glass with a swift punch, that the bottom of the glass was still there, but, the other parts of the glass was shattered over the floor. After that they did whatever I asked. And have told all their friends how strong moms punch is. (Not very proud of getting known for that!!) I tried everything the books said, but, it just didn't work. We kill ourselves laughing about it now that they're 21 and 28 yrs old. Not one of my proudest moments in my mommy life!!Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by HouseTalkN on Tue Oct 30, 2012 at 4:10 am
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Mon Oct 29, 2012 - 8:30 pm
I had your second born first. I can't tell you how many of you (with your first born) I encountered and how many times I wished you the second born you deserved. So, it might be my fault. Sorry.Reply -
2 replies, Last reply by Allison Hart on Tue Oct 30, 2012 at 1:04 am
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Report Mon Oct 29, 2012 - 8:22 pmThis is so funny cause you just described my life! And perfect timing. I've been looking all around me the last few days and asking myself, "What happened?" My first born was so easy! My second born, well you couldn't have said it any better, " he had a fist raised in the air "Power to the People" style. "Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by HouseTalkN on Tue Oct 30, 2012 at 12:41 am
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Report Mon Oct 29, 2012 - 8:28 pmMy 11yo recently began pronouncing what she will do as a parent and how children will behave. Ha. (It will take quite a while, but I will have the last laugh on this one.)Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by HouseTalkN on Tue Oct 30, 2012 at 12:40 am
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Report Mon Oct 29, 2012 - 9:34 pmI am sitting here laughing my head off. My second son has definitely been more challenging in the listening department! My first son napped until he was 4 1/2. The younger one napped until about age 2. But since they are only 2 1/2 years apart, the little one has influenced the older one in many ways. Now they both can be terrors at times! -ShelleyReply
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1 reply, Last reply by HouseTalkN on Tue Oct 30, 2012 at 12:38 am
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Report Mon Oct 29, 2012 - 10:40 pmThis is exactly my experience with Jack and Charley. Exactly. Exactly.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by HouseTalkN on Tue Oct 30, 2012 at 12:37 am
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Mon Oct 29, 2012 - 6:59 pm
Too funny. And so true. There isn't a manual and not all kids will follow those rules, if there was one.Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by HouseTalkN on Mon Oct 29, 2012 at 7:41 pm
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