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Postcards to my breasts
by
1982
Dear Breasts,
Where are you? I mean, I have zits on my forehead that are bigger than you. All the other girls in my class are going bra shopping with their mothers. Is it even possible to get bras in negative sizes? I'd Google it but the Internet isn't even invented yet.
Yours, patiently
The NDM
1992
Dear Breasts,
No, really. Where the fuck are you? There are plenty of guys here at university who would love to have a conversation with you...if you'd bothered to turn up, that is. I'm having to do other stuff like, uh, develop a personality and teach myself how to tie cherry stalks into the shape of a swan with only my tongue. Nobody ever talks to me at parties and it's ALL YOUR FAULT and NOTHING WHATSOEVER to do with the fact I'm too busy trying to tie cherry stalks into the shape of a swan with only my tongue to be able to say anything.
Yours, impatiently
The NDM
2002
Dear Breasts,
Well, hello! Of course your timing is impeccable. You've basically shown up just as I'm about to enter seven straight years of back-to-back pregnancy and breastfeeding and I'm only ever going to be able to showcase you in a breast milk-stained ‘Windows 95' t-shirt that I got as a giveaway circa 1998. I mean, what's that shit about?
Also, my ankles have joined forces with my calves and seem to be in direct competition with you. Just sayin'.
Yours, frustratedly
The NDM
2012
Dear Breasts,
Um, where the hell do you think you're going? I thought you were going to wait around for me but noooo, you're rapidly heading south and now putting on a bra is like stuffing a sleeping bag into its cover. On the upside, I'll soon be able to tie you in a knot shape like a swan and if that's not a conversation opener at parties, I don't know what is.
Look, if you see them before I do, tell my knees I say hi.
Yours, resignedly
The NDM
The NDM is donating her fee for this post to the Cancer Council Australia.
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Comments (16)
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Mon Oct 22, 2012 - 11:36 am
Can't wait for the next instalment. and a postcard from the boobs on holiday would be good toI ;)Reply -
Report Wed Oct 17, 2012 - 11:42 amHilarious.Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by TheNDM on Wed Oct 17, 2012 at 4:23 pm
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Report Tue Oct 16, 2012 - 7:22 pmI can hold frozen OJ cans under mine. Also leave the room during a mammogram!Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by TheNDM on Wed Oct 17, 2012 at 4:23 pm
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Tue Oct 16, 2012 - 12:55 am
I can clap with my breasts. Long, sloppy, claps.Reply -
3 replies, Last reply by TheNDM on Wed Oct 17, 2012 at 4:22 pm
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Report Tue Oct 16, 2012 - 6:01 pmI'm with you on your 2012 postcard, NDM. I'm always so afraid to go without a bra. One errant breeze and I'd get a double slap to the face.Reply
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Mon Oct 15, 2012 - 11:39 pm
As the EIC, I had the pleasure of reading this post last week; but still, I laugh out loud EVERY TIME I read the part about the cherry stalk you folded into the shape of a swan. You are so fracking funny, NDM! I love this post. Thank you for kicking off BOOB WEEK with such a zinger!Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by TheNDM on Tue Oct 16, 2012 at 6:30 am
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Tue Oct 16, 2012 - 2:17 am
Hey NDM, I love this. Mine never showed up. Thank you for donating your fee - that rocks.Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by TheNDM on Tue Oct 16, 2012 at 6:28 am
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Tue Oct 16, 2012 - 2:10 am
I love swans. I find myself really wanting to see that trick...Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by TheNDM on Tue Oct 16, 2012 at 6:23 am
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