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The lousy lover's guide to sex
Ladies, {slowly turns head side to side to make sure we're alone}...can we talk?
Do you approach sex with your partner as just another chore on your never-ending task list?
Does the idea of a little hanky-panky make you wish your man would just leave you alone and wanky-wanky?
Is your primary interest in your partner's orgasm the fact that you want him/her to hurry up already so you can get back to your Words with Friends game or Pinterest addiction?
If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, you might be a Lousy Lover.
And you're not alone.
I have very unscientifically polled a number of my female friends over the years and the vast majority of them admit their libidos are in the crapper.
But oh, the guilt!
Look, there are only so many times you can use sexcuses like "Not tonight honey, I have a headache" before the shit hits the fan.
And until big pharmaceutical companies start marketing to us the way they sell erectile dysfunction meds to our men folk, we better stick together!
My friends and I have brainstormed a variety of creative strategies you can employ as a self-professed Lousy Lover to get the job done, or not, with a minimal amount of inconvenience or guilt.
Just in case you're in need of a few fresh moves (or sexcuses), here are some you might consider adding to your repertoire:
The 68 "You do me, and I'll owe you one."
The Multitasker "Fine, go ahead, but only if I can play Doodle Jump on my iPhone at the same time."
The Red Flag Casually leave your menstrual supplies scattered around the bathroom, or even better, a pair of stained britches soaking in the sink. No words needed.
The Martha "Tonight? But I just washed the sheets."
The Inside Pitch Sometimes
you just have to lean into it and take one for the team.
The Positive Reinforcer "Meet me upstairs after you finish cleaning the kitchen."
The Emasculator "Again? Didn't we just do it a few weeks ago?"
The Limit Setter "Fine, just once, but make it quick...my show's about to start. And don't even think about the back door, Mister. Just imagine a neon sign down there that says ‘EXIT ONLY.'"
The Negotiator "Well, alright. I'll let you do that. But I want new porch furniture, or no deal."
The Bait and Switch "I'll be right in honey, as soon as I take my stool softener."
Good luck, ladies. There's strength in numbers. Hang in there and know that we've got your back...and front.
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Comments (62)
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Report Wed Jul 4, 2012 - 2:23 amAs a guy I feel that I'm trespassing a bit. But I absolutely enjoy Bearded Iris. That being said...you can make a deal with the hubby. Offer him one "quickie" a week. get in, get out...he doesn't have to worry about yours and it's SANCTIONED. The trade-off is that you get to sit on the bench for the rest of the week. Oh, did I mention that I'm divorced?Reply -
Report Wed Feb 8, 2012 - 12:28 amOMgoshhhhh.... my husband just sit down this morning seriously to tell me he really wanted to have sex this morning, but alas I had a migraine. I really did. We have been married 33 years and he still thinks we should be having sex at least twice a week. So okay I call the inside pitch, "the vessel". I will be your vessel. I actually got that from a religious discussion on sex and being a vessel for your husband even if you don't feel like it. I always feel very pious when I use that one. Ladies wait until the kids leave home, it gets fun again for a while, maybe longer for some, but then you hit menopause and then you brainstorm as many excuses as you can. Unfortunately most of you will probably be hitting menopause when your kids leave home. I was lucky and had them when I was practically a baby myself! Actually I was 21, 23 and 29. Remember like Suze Orman says, "change your attitude, not the job". I think it applies here.Reply
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4 replies, Last reply by Allysgrandma on Sun Feb 12, 2012 at 3:14 am
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Wed Feb 8, 2012 - 8:04 am
On Iris, you are not a lousy lover. You need to train your man. Never turn him down, within 2 weeks you will know his "routine" and just plan accordingly. Rootietoot is dead on the money. This very satisifed man will begin to do things for you that he did not even know he knew how to do. That being said - do set limits - mine is NO BUTT SEX ever. I do not believe women like it, if they say they do, they are lying or have something I do not. I don't mind the lying, but if I'm missing something that might give me pleasure, well, that just pisses me off. Just a side note - I was in HobbyLobby yesterday and bought a bearded iris for a thing I am doing, did not think a thing in the world about it until I was rearranging the wodden letters to make cuss words and had to stop for a second, looked down, saw the iris, got tickled and just could not stop laughing. You, young lady, leave a lasting impression. Thank You!Reply -
8 replies, Last reply by Allysgrandma on Sun Feb 12, 2012 at 3:11 am
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Report Thu Feb 9, 2012 - 3:01 amI'd like to respectfully add The Intoxicator: After I finish these two glasses of wine you may use my body however you wish.Reply
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5 replies, Last reply by Allysgrandma on Sun Feb 12, 2012 at 3:09 am
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Report Fri Feb 10, 2012 - 3:07 amThe Positive Reinforcer "Meet me upstairs after you finish cleaning the kitchen." Thank you, Jedi Master.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Sat Feb 11, 2012 at 7:25 am
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Fri Feb 10, 2012 - 12:27 am
I take the road less travelled. Separate rooms. That way you don't have to think of any excuses when you don't want to get jiggy with the fizzy you just close the door. Quite effective!!!!Reply -
Report Wed Feb 8, 2012 - 9:02 amI love The Martha! I've actually thought that before - never used it, but I have thought it. And I try to time the washing of the sheets around when I think we might have sex. Nothing worse than soiling freshly washed sheets with a wet spot - am I right? And sadly, when it comes to approaching sex these days, I have ALL those thoughts more often that not. Especially the last one: "Not tonight, dear - I have blog comments to answer!"Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Wed Feb 8, 2012 at 10:45 pm
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Report Wed Feb 8, 2012 - 6:04 amI LOVE IT!! Sometimes it really is too easy to scare those big ole' baby's off...BUT, thank god for menstruation and a man's low threshold for anything to do with it! Gross outs go far, and work like a charm, almost every time! :PReply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Wed Feb 8, 2012 at 10:42 pm
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Report Wed Feb 8, 2012 - 6:13 amNow, this is some good stuff. IF I had a man and IF I was having sex, last night I would have had to use The Bachelor. The Bachelor: "Dude, please. My show is on. Do it yourself." And that might quite possibly be the reason I have no man.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Wed Feb 8, 2012 at 10:41 pm
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Report Wed Feb 8, 2012 - 9:38 amBack when I was still married, I was all about being The Positive Reinforcer...I could get dishes done in less than five minutes when he knew the good stuff was waiting for him!Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Wed Feb 8, 2012 at 10:39 pm
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Report Wed Feb 8, 2012 - 6:58 pmOkay that does it. I'm adding you to my blogroll. You are hilarious. HILARIOUS! This killed me!Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Wed Feb 8, 2012 at 10:35 pm
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Report Wed Feb 8, 2012 - 7:13 pmI can't get enough of you. Or your soaking britches. So gross, Iris. So perfect. Somertimes when I'm talking to George I say things like, "Well Iris says you should...." He perks up because he knows you are S-M-R-T. Silent "A".Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Wed Feb 8, 2012 at 10:33 pm
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Report Wed Feb 8, 2012 - 9:55 pmRed flag! Ha! snort.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Wed Feb 8, 2012 at 10:31 pm
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Report Wed Feb 8, 2012 - 2:28 amThe Red Flag? Like men notice anything that's left around unless it's cheeseburgers or Fredericks of Hollywood catalogues. Iris, you make me chuckle. Maybe even chortle.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Wed Feb 8, 2012 at 5:00 am
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Wed Feb 8, 2012 - 3:19 am
just made my husband read it. Turns out he was about to 'suggest' something. Now he's wandered off with his head down. So add another option: The blog: show your OH this post. *he'll never ask again*Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Wed Feb 8, 2012 at 4:57 am
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Report Wed Feb 8, 2012 - 4:27 amI'm not alone! Yippie! Every Saturday afternoon when we put the 1 1/2 year old twins down for a nap my husband always says "let's take a nap...I swear, just a nap." At first I think, THANK GOD, I'm exhausted from 1 1/2 year old boy twins - they are ALL BOY. But, it's never just a nap and dangit do I feel guilty saying no...but perhaps I should muster up the enthusiam, and get on with it. Hopefully I'll still have another 2 hours and 20 minutes to clean the house...Reply
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2 replies, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Wed Feb 8, 2012 at 4:56 am
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Wed Feb 8, 2012 - 1:20 am
spat my tea out at this point: "a pair of stained britches soaking in the sink. No words needed."Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Wed Feb 8, 2012 at 1:27 am
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Report Tue Feb 7, 2012 - 11:48 pmLove it! i have used The Red Flag once and The Martha on occasion. But, The Inside Pitch is totally mine! I have given the advice "sometimes you just have to take one for the team" to a few of my friends.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Wed Feb 8, 2012 at 12:59 am
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Tue Feb 7, 2012 - 7:50 pm
I admit that I use sex to get things...like the $400 computer program and twice I've used it to get a HOUSE! But I am fine with frequency, I just wish I were more limber and creative...that's where I'm lousy.Reply -
6 replies, Last reply by rootietoot on Wed Feb 8, 2012 at 12:25 am
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Report Tue Feb 7, 2012 - 10:00 pmA lot of these sound more like my husband. We have a serious case of role reversal in our house... except for the whole menstrual thing, of course. (Although I wouldn't put THAT passed him either some months)Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Tue Feb 7, 2012 at 11:12 pm
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Tue Feb 7, 2012 - 8:41 pm
Love it!Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Tue Feb 7, 2012 at 9:03 pm
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Report Tue Feb 7, 2012 - 4:15 pmthankfully i have NEVER (hardly ever, well occasionally) had to resort to these measures. a "68" though, will become a regular!Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Tue Feb 7, 2012 at 6:06 pm
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