Jun 26
 |
Guerilla parenting
Oh my God, my nine-year-old daughter wants a skateboard.
She may as well have asked me for a "Do It Yourself Craniotomy Kit."
I know, I'm the meanest mom ever.
But skateboards are so dangerous! And hospital visits are so damn expensive! And what about the kinds of boys who hang out at the skateboard parks? I know, I know, it's wrong to judge like that. But I only know one guy who was into skateboarding when he was younger and he's in jail now. I have no idea if those two things are actually related, but to me, in my mama-bear head, they totally are.
This is a conundrum for me...a parenting pickle if you will.
You see, this child, the fruit of my womb, the one I call my "Mini-Me," absolutely relishes doing precisely what I tell her she should not do. It appears to be her raison d'être.
The other day we were at a very fancy mall to see a movie together and she asked for some change to toss into the "wishing well" (it was a fountain).
I told her, "No. We don't throw our money away like that. This place gets enough of our money when we buy the overpriced stuff they trick us into believing we so desperately need."
She looked at me with such disgust and anger it made me flinch.
But I was firm in my resolve. "Every penny counts!" It's not like we were at the Fontana di Trevi in Rome. It was just a suburban Georgia mall for God's sake.
A week later, we were back at that same mall and unbeknownst to me, she came prepared with some change from her own piggy bank. As we were walking past the fountain, she reached her hand into her pocket and tossed a few coins into the water while looking right at me.
I was stunned. That little bitch! (I thought to myself.)
I just ignored her. What else could I do? She knew I didn't approve and she found a loophole...a spiteful, IN-YOUR-FACE-MOM loophole.
This is just the tip of the iceberg, I'm certain of it. And the issues are only going to increase in magnitude and consequence as she gets older.
Today it's coins in a fountain, tomorrow it will be boyfriends and facial piercings.
She's been talking lately about wanting to be an auto mechanic when she grows up.
Her father and I imagine a different career path for her for a variety of reasons, but I can tell you right now that I will not be the one to tell her so.
Maybe buying her that skateboard isn't such a bad idea after all. In fact, maybe if I am the one who buys it, she won't be so interested in it anymore. Maybe I should take up skateboarding myself to make it extra unappealing to her.
On that note, who wants to come with me for a skateboard, some facial piercings, and an auto mechanic uniform?
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Comments (101)
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Report Thu Jan 24, 2013 - 2:43 pmIts not my first time to go to see this web page, i am browsing this web site dailly and take pleasant data from here daily.Reply -
Report Wed Oct 10, 2012 - 10:48 pmLet this be a wake up call. If you had just given in with the stupid penny for the fountain... You are not wrong that you have a world of rebellion coming your way. The good news is you have the upper hand, because in her youthful arrogance, she can not conceive that you've Been There and Done That. As Dolly Parton once said, God gives us daughters so our mothers can say, "I told you so."Reply
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Report Mon Jul 2, 2012 - 1:27 pmYou gotta love the mini-mes. Just this morning I engaged in a heated 'debate' with the 7yo over why she had to wear her summer uniform to school IN THE SUMMER!!! After we'd 'agreed' that she completely changed her outfit, we set out off to school - me in my sandals and white shirt not noticing the torrential rain about to come in. And yes, someone did make a 'wet t-shirt competition' remark to me in the playground. (Hurray! I'm not dead yet) So yes she'll be joining yours in the queue for tattoos and piercings but credit where credit's due - these are the smart cookies of the future...Reply
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Report Tue Jun 26, 2012 - 9:21 pmBearded Iris, Power struggles seldom end up with both parties feeling like winners. I like your idea of "guerilla parenting". If she's clever enough to bring her own change to toss into a fountain, ask her about her wish. Then, when you're springing for popcorn or ice cream, ask if she has any change because you might be a little short and only able to buy your own. (You can always "find" enough money at the end of that awkward moment). If she wants a skateboard, there's a goal for her to save that money - and I would totally recommend you getting one too. Instead of a movie afternoon, you can head down to the skate park and try to "pop an ollie". As she gets older, more and more time will be spent with peers vs. her parents, so it certainly doesn't hurt to share those activities now. You can casually observe her performance and safety, see the people with whom she's interacting, and either reinforce the need for safety (should you not do well) or become the "cool" mom (should you excel). I've previously mentioned how around here it's myself and my two boys. Well, one day they started asking questions about the makeup commercials we've seen on television. Long story made short, I have some lovely blue glitter toe nail polish that I'm sporting. The point is, show (and if possible, share) an interest in what catches her fancy now. I think it'll only pay off well in the end.Reply
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4 replies, Last reply by Ashli on Sun Jul 1, 2012 at 12:51 pm
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Report Sun Jul 1, 2012 - 8:23 amYou did a good thing about not saying anything about the fountian, pick your battles wisely sista!Reply
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Report Sat Jun 30, 2012 - 8:39 pmYou know who's making BANK? The malls with those stupid fountains/wishing wells.Reply
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Tue Jun 26, 2012 - 9:50 pm
My father was not much of a reverse psychology type. If we were in the same situation it would have went something like this. He would have grabbed my hand as I was rearing back to throw the coins into the fountain and said "Son, if you throw that money in the fountain, will break off both of your arms and beat you with them. I will then go home, smash your piggy bank to smithereens and spend your money on beer and cigarettes for me." God, I miss that guy.Reply -
4 replies, Last reply by Liz Dawes on Fri Jun 29, 2012 at 2:43 pm
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Thu Jun 28, 2012 - 5:51 am
I think you're underestimating how awesome it would be to have an auto mechanic in the family. For one thing, think about how much your spend at the mechanic, and for one even more thing, think about how you always feel like they're gouging you. This way? Even if she does gouge you, it's still family. Facial piercings? I'm down with a nosering. Otherwise, NO!Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by Missy on Thu Jun 28, 2012 at 8:27 am
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Report Thu Jun 28, 2012 - 7:26 amI don't really care about what my children want to be........I just want them to have medical benefits !Reply
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Tue Jun 26, 2012 - 1:13 pm
I think that throwing coins in water is fun too - couldn't she just throw a couple of cents. Sometimes when you give with abundance it comes back with abundance. I am not sure what the skateboard solution is - especially with the healthcare - maybe say yes if you do gymnastics so that you have good balance. Does this mean she doesn't get to choose her own career? I was such a free spirit and I would be so stifled if I was told what to do with my life. I think this poses an interesting question about parental expectations. I have no career expectations for my children other than I would like them to eventually become financially independent. I think this is really interesting post because I want my children to do as they are told so that they are safe and that I am not their servant. I think based on your daughters resourcefulness she will reach adulthood and go out get a job, become financially independent and then do whatever she wants because she can and you have no control. I know this because I am your daughter now as an adult.Reply -
11 replies, Last reply by Gigi_E on Wed Jun 27, 2012 at 8:36 pm
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Report Tue Jun 26, 2012 - 8:53 pmFYI there is nothing wrong with being an auto mechanic ... My husband went to college, got his degree in automotive is currently working on his masters and is gainfully employed (and makes great money, might I add)! So, thanks to your offensive article today, I will be unsubscribing from your blog. Your loss.Reply
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11 replies, Last reply by HouseTalkN on Wed Jun 27, 2012 at 8:12 pm
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Report Wed Jun 27, 2012 - 8:06 pmAs the mother of a 16 year old girl that I sometimes think I'd like to give her some facial piercings myself (with a pitchfork) I can attest that it only gets worse. I totally think you're on to something though with taking up skateboarding yourself. Buy matching boards for both of you and tell her you decided it would be something fun for the two of you to do together. I have a feeling it will be a short lived hobby (if lived at all). Might even consider some cool skater rags to don while you offer to take her to the skate park! Oh yeah!Reply
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Report Wed Jun 27, 2012 - 7:59 pmOh Leslie! Baton down the Hatches and standby to standby.. Sounds like Mini-Me is just getting started! Lol nothIng wrong with being a mechanic or riding a skateboard(I fixed helicopters for the Navy before I became a photographer.. And dabbled on a skateboard until I fell off one,preggars with Booger(don't say it cause I was actually sitting on my butt when it happened lol)). Guerilla Parenting is right! Thing 1 seems to think that if he tells grandma I took his "life" ( ipod, Xbox, computer) away, and am forcing him to come out of his room for family time. Oh life is so horrible. He found out that the poor pitiful Thing 1 card does not work. Not only did grandma tell me what what said, she also told him he should have picked up his grades and the only person he can blame is himself. He has since apologized. All 3 Things have skateboards and pads and I have to trust them. But they also know that when mom says its a no hospital day... Moms not kidding.(only 2 broke bones so far and it had nothing to do with a skateboard) love the blog! ~krisReply
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Report Wed Jun 27, 2012 - 6:06 pmI'll scratch your back if you scratch mine. Your skateboarding is my son's trampoline. Let's take them down. My son has been forbidden to jump on a friends trampoline yet there he was jumping joyfully, tempting fate and risking his freaking life! You can imagine his shock when he saw that Mommy had arrived early.Reply
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Report Wed Jun 27, 2012 - 1:33 amIf you can skateboard as well as you dance? Then Hell to the yah, you TOTALLY should take up skateboarding. It could be your bonding time!Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Wed Jun 27, 2012 at 6:02 pm
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Report Tue Jun 26, 2012 - 9:24 pmThe money in the fountain thing is kind of sweet because she probably has some belief that if she wishes hard enough with enough change you'll get her that skateboard! But it is also true that when you join them in their pleasures they immediately want nothing to do with it. I have a friend whose daughter wanted to do pole vaulting. The mother freaked and convinced the girl to take up tennis. Which she did and became a star on the tennis team at college after only taking it up in high school. Go figure and good luck!Reply
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10 replies, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Wed Jun 27, 2012 at 6:01 pm
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Report Wed Jun 27, 2012 - 2:38 amYou know I love you, and I think you are a great mom obviously want the best for your mini-me. So I offer to you this: 1. Have her pay for half the board, out of her own money. If she really wants one, she'll be happy to do it. Insist on gear, all the cool kids wear it now anyway. 2. Auto Mechanic: Right ON!!!! Do you have any idea what they make $$$ wise? Think about how much it costs to get your buggy fixed! Even if she doesn't decide to do that as a career, let her explore it through classes or books or a mentor. Being mechanically inclined is great…and could spark an interest in oh, say, Mechanical Enginieering (not too shabby). Those Click and Clack guys on NPR (whom I LOVE!) are graduates of MIT for cryin' out loud! 3. She's young. She's testing you. It happens. Roll with it. smooches from one awesome mom to another.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Wed Jun 27, 2012 at 5:59 pm
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Report Wed Jun 27, 2012 - 5:09 amGo to the mall, let her toss her money into the fountain, then tell her she can have a skate board when she has enough money to buy all the required safety gear and the board she wants. The trick is to make sure she has already thrown all her money into the fountain first. By the time she saves up enough (unless she has a great paying job), she might be over the infatuation with skateboarding. If she still wants to give it a try after she has the money, then tell her you want one too and you'll make it a mother/daughter fun day out. Hopefully you have insurance.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Wed Jun 27, 2012 at 5:51 pm
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Report Wed Jun 27, 2012 - 8:06 amTo be fair, auto mechanics make some pretty sweet bank. AND you know you'd never have to worry about her being stranded by the side of the road, having to depend on the help of skeevy strangers. She'd just have fugly fingernails.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Wed Jun 27, 2012 at 5:50 pm
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Report Wed Jun 27, 2012 - 10:03 amMy youngest is going to be a roller derby queen, I already know it. Child is 4 and she is already hard core. I figure with her personality, it's that or prison. So I'm buying her some skates and working on her derby name. I'd like her to be financially independent from her mad derby skillz by the time she's 16 so I can move to an old folks home in Florida ... alone. ;) My 8-yo has had her tween moments as well, so I know I'm in for a rough haul in the coming 10-15 years.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Wed Jun 27, 2012 at 5:47 pm
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Report Wed Jun 27, 2012 - 1:59 amChoose your battles wisely. Think before you say 'no'. Is a couple pennies in a fountain worth causing your daughter to resent you? Make a rule that she must wear safety gear on the skateboard. Use these times as teaching moments not as a time to battle with your 10 yr old....it only gets worse as they get older if they don't respect and understand your reasoning behind the rules.Reply
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Report Tue Jun 26, 2012 - 9:17 pmNice! Why do you give her money? Is it to let her practice making choices about her money? OK so her choice is to toss it into the fountain. Personally I would prefer that over buying those fist-sized gumballs that I'm convinced are going to choke my children and yet I can't say no because it's THEIR money. Ugh. My 5 YO spent his money on these crap plastic devil pitchforks which are 4 feet long and primarily used to stab his younger brother. I. HATE. THEM. But it's his money so not much for it other than to repeat the rules - "If you stab me or your brother with that pitchfork I will throw it away." And then secretly hope he tabs me with it so I can throw it away ;)Reply
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4 replies, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Wed Jun 27, 2012 at 1:28 am
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Wed Jun 27, 2012 - 1:09 am
She's only nine! Just wait.Reply -
Report Tue Jun 26, 2012 - 11:50 pmOh my God, I have just seen my future flash before my eyes. Hold me.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Wed Jun 27, 2012 at 1:08 am
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Report Tue Jun 26, 2012 - 11:09 pmYou are being challenged. I would worry about the big things and the little things will take care of themselves. I have a nine year old boy & am right there with you. When it matters I will challenge him and win, other times I cut him some slack and let him think he's getting it his way, which of course he isn't (he just thinks that).Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Tue Jun 26, 2012 at 11:52 pm
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Report Tue Jun 26, 2012 - 11:37 pmPeople are always going to be offended about something...don't let it put a damper on your funny or your writing. I don't always agree with everything, but I always laugh... then there are those moments I go...OH EM GEE!! How is SHE in MY head?? (THAT LITTLE BITCH!)Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Tue Jun 26, 2012 at 11:50 pm
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Report Tue Jun 26, 2012 - 8:30 pmI am willing to bet you are butting heads with her over many, many little things throughout the day as well. Find things to say yes to. Explain to her the reason why you feel it would be unsafe for her to have a skateboard, and have her counter them. Why can't you go with her to the skate park? Throwing a couple of pennies into a mall fountain isn't going to break you, yet you seem to want to wield the power to say NO! And for whatever reason you're against her becoming a mechanic, remember she's living HER life, not a reenactment of yours, or some wild variation of what you wish you had done. I'd be really interested to know why you are against her becoming a tradesperson. She will probably change her mind in a few years anyways. My daughter wanted to be a biologist. Now she's not sure. She still wants a skateboard and I'm fine with that if she wears a helmet. She went through a phase with 'boys' and 'dating' but we nipped that in the bud and explained why we felt the way we did. I have body piercings and tattoos, and we discussed that as well (ie. that I didn't get any until I was of legal age and paid for them myself, and they hurt). By trying to control everything, you're actually giving her power to defy you, imho.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Tue Jun 26, 2012 at 11:46 pm
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Report Tue Jun 26, 2012 - 10:52 pmHI Leslie, OMG! I have that daughter! She just turned 16! She spent 3 years away at ballet school, and came back as a skater boy! Well, sort of... She's always been edgy, but has spent being 15 as follows: sported 17, and counting, hair colours / styles, working at a skateboard store, wearing ripped jeans and snap-backs, bought her own skateboard (now that she knows how to assemble and re-skin them, and she got a discount), draws tattoos on herself, pierced her own extra holes in her ears, started stretching her ears, got her nose and naval pierced, plays piano and guitar and listens to extremely offensive music. However, she is lovely, funny, loving, and is expressing herself and getting it out of her system. She still talks about the 'tats' she intends to get and possible piercings, though she knows we are at the limit of what we can look at while she lives with us. So, once she moves out and pays her own way, she can do what she wants. She's also taken out her ear stretchers (whew...). Let them go through it, I say. Impose rules and logical consequences. Recently, my daughter asked "Why am I you?". She can see that we are a lot alike. I did a lot of crazy stuff, too, and it's a miracle I'm still alive. I am trying not to be a helicopter parent anymore and not to freak out. So far it's worked. She talks to me a lot and she trusts me. Beyond keeping kids safe and trying to raise polite, interesting citizens, I think our job is just about done by this age. Lots of love, hugs, being present, and listening is probably the best we can do, and what they really want. Just a note on 'wishing coins': We Canadians throw money in any standing water. It's completely normal for us. We are told the money goes to charity, so it doesn't feel so wasteful. It's a small thing that makes kids happy. That's not so bad, is it?Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Tue Jun 26, 2012 at 11:24 pm
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Tue Jun 26, 2012 - 10:55 pm
Hey Iris, Like mother like daughter?Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Tue Jun 26, 2012 at 11:19 pm
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Report Tue Jun 26, 2012 - 7:43 pmJust tell yourself that she's showing personality traits that would make her well-suited to a career as a high-powered attorney some day! ^_^Reply
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3 replies, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Tue Jun 26, 2012 at 10:58 pm
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Report Tue Jun 26, 2012 - 6:41 pmIf it makes you feel any better, I was exactly like this from ages 8 - 12. Then I got over it. My teenage years were a breeze for my parents. And I have never been in prison, except to volunteer there with my church youth group. My sister, on the other hand, was the Golden Child until about 15 hit. The years that followed are what I like to call The Perfect Storm. So maybe this is Mini-Me's way of getting it out of her system early! :)Reply
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3 replies, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Tue Jun 26, 2012 at 10:47 pm
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Report Tue Jun 26, 2012 - 7:40 pmI swear my 10 year old daughter (who I also call "Mini-Me") and yours are related! I can picture the same fountain scenario without hesitation...and her spiteful look of success at finding the loophole! ...she also wanted a skateboard! So, I told her I wasn't going to buy her something to kill herself with...so she saved her tooth fairy/extortion/blackmail money and bought one herself...and guess what...she wiped out hard, and came in scraped, bloody and bruised! She knew the "I told you so" was coming...so she tried to bandage herself up without me knowing. But, guess what...she doesn't ride it anymore! :) I wish you the best of luck with your girl...Lord knows I need it with mine!Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Tue Jun 26, 2012 at 10:34 pm
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Report Tue Jun 26, 2012 - 7:40 pmEh. My girls are 11 and 8 and tthe 11 yr old is ruly making me say quite regularly (in my head) "this bitch here." Tell her she can only skateboard on the 5th Tuesday of the month, only up the walkway to your house, and only between 6 and 6:04. A.M.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Tue Jun 26, 2012 at 10:33 pm
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Report Tue Jun 26, 2012 - 8:21 pmUmmmmmmmmm. I like Mini Me even more now! Ask her if she can change the oil in my Mom Machine CR-V.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Tue Jun 26, 2012 at 10:29 pm
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Report Tue Jun 26, 2012 - 8:43 pmShe's 9 huh? My daughter is 17 and wants to leave for college. No. She wants to read "Fifty Shades of Grey". No She wants her belly button pierced after telling me about how her friend had it done but the 'creepy guy' did it wrong and it fell out leaving a weird hole in her belly. No. Seeing the trend here? I'm on new meds so no more vodka for a while. Someone in our house is going to lose an eye at the very least so just wait Leslie, it gets so much more interesting trying to outwit them!Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Tue Jun 26, 2012 at 10:24 pm
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