Enter the dragon
Dear Regular Guy,
Why is my guy always finding reasons to be doing jobs in his shed or in the garden? What is so special about tinkering away out there on his stupid tools that keeps him away from doing the useful things about the house that I want him to do? I mean, he could be helping with the kids or with the housework but instead he cuts the grass or trims his bush. I wouldn't mind if the bush in question was his special man-bush but oh no, that particular hedge can grow as wild and as dark as the deepest Peruvian jungle without the slightest thought or consideration to me, the dirty git.
He can happily spend hours with a pair of shears or a lawnmower in his hands but can barely spend five minutes with me in them - and that includes the bloody foreplay (If you class slowly folding his shirt, trousers, pants and socks across the back of a chair as foreplay?). I tell him what he should be doing to get me going and exactly what he is doing wrong and he just sort of shrugs his shoulders and smiles. I point out all the things he could be doing better but it just seems to fall on deaf ears.
Unless I nag him really hard for a good thirty to forty minutes, he barely even registers acknowledgment of the tasks that I give him. Surely he should listen better the first few times that I mention them? His ridiculous elephant ears are certainly big enough so you'd think he could give using them a try instead of just wafting them about. I correct him when he gets things wrong and what thanks do I get? None! All he does is sigh loudly and shrug those big old shoulders at me again. When I have a go at him about not being more assertive around the house or yell that I want him to make a decision about something, he just mumbles, shrugs and heads off to the shed.
Why won't he be the man for a change? I know exactly what I want doing and how I want it doing but I'd really like it to be coming from him now and again. I prod him in the chest and tell him time and time again that I want him to stand up for himself a bit and say what he wants but will he? Will he hell, all he does is sit there looking at me for twenty minutes with a glazed look of indifference before doing a little lawn-mowing mime with his hands and then heading out to his precious shed.
So come on, Regular Guy, tell me what I need to do to force some attention out of the lump of useless gristle I married or are you as pathetic as he is?
*shrugs* Do you have that thin spiky grass or the thick bouncy type?