Oh no she di'int!
I know we've all had something mean said to us that in hindsight, we'd have had a dozen clever and cutting quippy comebacks to throw in their faces. Sometimes, I think that's what separates a lot of us from the "true" comedians who are able to think of them right on the spot - and then sometimes I just think, "Who does this bitch/douchebag think they are, spewing words at me like rancid vomit?!"
So here's the story. I was at the birthday party of my husband's cousin's kid and currently sitting beside my husband's cousin's wife. Can you sense the closeness of this family bond yet? Yeah, that close - you should practically be hearing the Kumba-motherfucking-ya ringing in your ears by this point.
A small circle of us were discussing the experience of purchasing a new home, (as in one that's just built) and how I've learned SO MUCH from this wearisome process. As the conversation paired off into smaller pockets of chit chat, the wife of my husband's cousin turns to me and asks, "Who was your builder?" I replied, "Oh, Blardy Blargh Blargh & Sons." And she immediately said, "Oooh, well our house was built by a much more up-scale builder."
.......... ............... ...................!!!!
That sums up the expression on my face after hearing that spoiled, obnoxious, ignorant twat waffle. What compels some people to say things like that which are not, in fact, purposeful nor remotely respectful? Gah.
Needless to say, my response was simply ending the conversation and pretending to be interested in what my son was doing - playing with a toy car. I don't know... whatever. I guess it was better than the alternative, which would have been saying one of these options:
- • Go fuck the drainpipe on your up-scale house.
- • Are those the builders that use unicorn semen in the mortar?
- • I can see how that's important to you. Congratulations.
- • You should come and see my second rate home sometime. I'm fairly certain your head could just fit through the door.
- • Well, when you come to our house warming, please bring gifts in the form of non-perishables.
- • Up-sale, eh? I've heard most of those come with happy endings. Did you get yours yet?
- • Is there a logo on your door? Please tell me there's a logo on your door!
- • Too bad you couldn't up-scale your husband too.
- • It's nice to see you get some satisfaction in your life, even if it is from putting other people down. You should try masturbating more often.
And the one that would have come out the easiest would have been simply:
- • You're a cunt.
And even though it's something this woman quite possibly really needs to hear, it just wouldn't have gone over too well at her child's first birthday. Unlike her, I do possess some respect and decorum.
But the birthday cake that "took three hours to make" did taste like dead donkey sphincter, so really? I win.