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Oh no she di'int!
by I know we've all had something mean said to us that in hindsight, we'd have had a dozen clever and cutting quippy comebacks to throw in their faces. Sometimes, I think that's what separates a lot of us from the "true" comedians who are able to think of them right on the spot - and then sometimes I just think, "Who does this bitch/douchebag think they are, spewing words at me like rancid vomit?!"
So here's the story. I was at the birthday party of my husband's cousin's kid and currently sitting beside my husband's cousin's wife. Can you sense the closeness of this family bond yet? Yeah, that close - you should practically be hearing the Kumba-motherfucking-ya ringing in your ears by this point.
A small circle of us were discussing the experience of purchasing a new home, (as in one that's just built) and how I've learned SO MUCH from this wearisome process. As the conversation paired off into smaller pockets of chit chat, the wife of my husband's cousin turns to me and asks, "Who was your builder?" I replied, "Oh, Blardy Blargh Blargh & Sons." And she immediately said, "Oooh, well our house was built by a much more up-scale builder."
.......... ............... ...................!!!!
That sums up the expression on my face after hearing that spoiled, obnoxious, ignorant twat waffle. What compels some people to say things like that which are not, in fact, purposeful nor remotely respectful? Gah.
Needless to say, my response was simply ending the conversation and pretending to be interested in what my son was doing - playing with a toy car. I don't know... whatever. I guess it was better than the alternative, which would have been saying one of these options:
- • Go fuck the drainpipe on your up-scale house.
- • Are those the builders that use unicorn semen in the mortar?
- • I can see how that's important to you. Congratulations.
- • You should come and see my second rate home sometime. I'm fairly certain your head could just fit through the door.
- • Well, when you come to our house warming, please bring gifts in the form of non-perishables.
- • Up-sale, eh? I've heard most of those come with happy endings. Did you get yours yet?
- • Is there a logo on your door? Please tell me there's a logo on your door!
- • Too bad you couldn't up-scale your husband too.
- • It's nice to see you get some satisfaction in your life, even if it is from putting other people down. You should try masturbating more often.
And the one that would have come out the easiest would have been simply:
- • You're a cunt.
And even though it's something this woman quite possibly really needs to hear, it just wouldn't have gone over too well at her child's first birthday. Unlike her, I do possess some respect and decorum.
But the birthday cake that "took three hours to make" did taste like dead donkey sphincter, so really? I win.
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Comments (15)
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Report Fri Jul 27, 2012 - 5:47 amOh my. I would like to say 'Oh. You're one of those. Got it'. smile and move away. What a snot. And of course her cake tasted like crap!Reply -
Report Fri Jul 27, 2012 - 5:24 amI prefer the "I can see how that's important to you" answer. It may take her a minute to realize that wasn't a compliment and by that time you'd already have walked off to spit in the punch or something.Reply
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Thu Jul 26, 2012 - 6:08 pm
Yeah... Wtf? I would have gone with, "Congratulations, cunt." Are we related to the same people? You can come to our birthday paties. We get bakery cakes, like God intended. XOXOXOReply -
1 reply, Last reply by Lady Estrogen on Thu Jul 26, 2012 at 9:29 pm
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Report Wed Jul 25, 2012 - 12:48 amMay I please borrow the phrase "twat waffle?" Pretty please??? I think my Southern instincts would have kicked in, and I would have said, "Well, bless your heart." Or, "How nice for you!" You know, right before I extended my talons and ripped out her still-beating heart and showed it to her.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Lady Estrogen on Thu Jul 26, 2012 at 6:13 am
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Report Wed Jul 25, 2012 - 6:40 pmThe shame of it? Any one of those comebacks would have been appropriate and hilarious, but someone so stupid as to say such a douchecanoe comment like that in the first place, they would all go right over their head. Though it's hard NOT to throw something over a person's head when its stuck in their ass.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Lady Estrogen on Thu Jul 26, 2012 at 6:12 am
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Report Thu Jul 26, 2012 - 6:10 amOh.My.Biatch! The one-liners always come too late! I am often left staring, saying clever things like "You...bad...dummy..."Reply
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Report Tue Jul 24, 2012 - 7:32 pm"Twat waffle!" You are my new favorite person!Reply
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2 replies, Last reply by Lucy Ball on Wed Jul 25, 2012 at 10:12 am
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Report Wed Jul 25, 2012 - 5:54 amWhat a bitch pigeon! You definitely win...what an f'ing cunt.Reply
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Tue Jul 24, 2012 - 9:28 pm
Hey Lady Estrogen, Of course you win. Bless her heart, the bitch. Is that unicorn sperm virginal? Builders are builders. Some charge more...so she overpaid, yeah, that's not stupid.Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by Lady Estrogen on Tue Jul 24, 2012 at 9:31 pm
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