Let me be your Mr. Grey
Dear Regular Guy,
I'm dreaming of finding my Mr. Grey but I'm married to Mr. Boring. Do you think I should ask him to try a little role-play?
Dear Band Wagon,
Let me answer that by telling you about my own, recent 50 Shades role-playing experience.
We had previously tried a little Twilight action. Sadly my six-pack has fallen somewhat into disrepair lately and, apparently, looking like Danny DeVito while wearing a homemade pair of orange-peel fangs is not particularly sexy. Who knew? So Vampires were out.
My lovely wife and I celebrated our 14th Anniversary last week - and, love her as I do, I felt that I should probably put in some extra effort on the romance front.
Mr. Grey she wanted. Mr. Grey she would get.
But what do I know about it? I haven't read the book and know nothing about it other than it's rude, involves S&M and a bloke who is sexy even though he is one warped, abusive, mother-cuddler, simply because he is rich. Which makes it okay...?
I opened a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc and slipped on my best shirt and trousers. In hindsight, the slippers were a mistake but I was trying my best. We played Monopoly and I splashed plenty of cash buying property. "Oh my," she said, obviously impressed. I opened a tube of Pringles accompanied with an array of dips. Money - clearly - was no object.
I fixed her a harsh stare and said that I had a special room I wanted to show her upstairs. She blushed, seemingly buying into the role-play. I offered her some lip-balm as it looked like her lips were sore from the way she kept unattractively chewing on them.
"Oh my," she repeated as she slowly and with nervous trepidation, walked up the stairs ahead of me. The sparkle of sexual awakening twitched in her special woman's place - I expect. "Do we both have to be from Gone with the Wind?" I checked, "Or is it just you?"
"Right," I said, "For a start you can pick up my dirty underwear and put it in the laundry basket. Then you can crack on with tidying up your makeup table. The bedding needs changing and when was the last time you dusted in here? Give me a shout when you've finished and then I'll come and sort you out if you've done a good job!" With that I farted and walked dominantly downstairs to watch Family Guy.
I may not be an expert on S&M but I think I pretty much managed to capture the basics there.
Sadly, as is so often the case, reality had not turned out to live up to her dream and she came back down a minute later, quite disheartened and frustrated. She just couldn't seem to get into it and looked a little vexed as a result. I think she tried to thank me for my efforts though because she started doing dirty talk. I mean, she was definitely using a lot of the specific words that she knows I like but somehow - I don't know - they just didn't sound convincingly sexy.
My suggestion then, Miss Wagon, is that you keep it as a private fantasy.