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Let me be your Mr. Grey
Dear Regular Guy,
I'm dreaming of finding my Mr. Grey but I'm married to Mr. Boring. Do you think I should ask him to try a little role-play?
Band Wagon.
Dear Band Wagon,
Let me answer that by telling you about my own, recent 50 Shades role-playing experience.
We had previously tried a little Twilight action. Sadly my six-pack has fallen somewhat into disrepair lately and, apparently, looking like Danny DeVito while wearing a homemade pair of orange-peel fangs is not particularly sexy. Who knew? So Vampires were out.
My lovely wife and I celebrated our 14th Anniversary last week - and, love her as I do, I felt that I should probably put in some extra effort on the romance front.
Mr. Grey she wanted. Mr. Grey she would get.
But what do I know about it? I haven't read the book and know nothing about it other than it's rude, involves S&M and a bloke who is sexy even though he is one warped, abusive, mother-cuddler, simply because he is rich. Which makes it okay...?
I opened a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc and slipped on my best shirt and trousers. In hindsight, the slippers were a mistake but I was trying my best. We played Monopoly and I splashed plenty of cash buying property. "Oh my," she said, obviously impressed. I opened a tube of Pringles accompanied with an array of dips. Money - clearly - was no object.
I fixed her a harsh stare and said that I had a special room I wanted to show her upstairs. She blushed, seemingly buying into the role-play. I offered her some lip-balm as it looked like her lips were sore from the way she kept unattractively chewing on them.
"Oh my," she repeated as she slowly and with nervous trepidation, walked up the stairs ahead of me. The sparkle of sexual awakening twitched in her special woman's place - I expect. "Do we both have to be from Gone with the Wind?" I checked, "Or is it just you?"
Once we arrived to the bedroom, I became the master. I would give her exactly what she had been dreaming of...
"Right," I said, "For a start you can pick up my dirty underwear and put it in the laundry basket. Then you can crack on with tidying up your makeup table. The bedding needs changing and when was the last time you dusted in here? Give me a shout when you've finished and then I'll come and sort you out if you've done a good job!" With that I farted and walked dominantly downstairs to watch Family Guy.
I may not be an expert on S&M but I think I pretty much managed to capture the basics there.
Sadly, as is so often the case, reality had not turned out to live up to her dream and she came back down a minute later, quite disheartened and frustrated. She just couldn't seem to get into it and looked a little vexed as a result. I think she tried to thank me for my efforts though because she started doing dirty talk. I mean, she was definitely using a lot of the specific words that she knows I like but somehow - I don't know - they just didn't sound convincingly sexy.
My suggestion then, Miss Wagon, is that you keep it as a private fantasy.
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Comments (27)
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Report Mon Aug 27, 2012 - 5:52 pmNice clean humor. :-) Love it.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Regular Guy UK on Mon Sep 3, 2012 at 2:48 am
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Report Fri Aug 24, 2012 - 3:18 amFUNNY!!Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Regular Guy UK on Fri Aug 24, 2012 at 10:58 am
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Report Fri Aug 24, 2012 - 12:41 am"With that I farted and walked dominantly downstairs to watch Family Guy." Annnd... I'm dead. Which part of this was supposed to be fantasy, exactly? For her, I mean. ;)Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Regular Guy UK on Fri Aug 24, 2012 at 12:53 am
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Tue Aug 21, 2012 - 6:04 pm
I just almost peed my pants, and not in some sexy role-play BDSM way. You may not have nailed your wife, but you sure as hezzle nailed this post.Reply -
4 replies, Last reply by Kim at Let Me Start By Saying on Thu Aug 23, 2012 at 12:27 am
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Report Wed Aug 22, 2012 - 4:20 pmLOVE IT! Best Mr Grey ever. And hey with writing as clever and witty as that I bet Mrs Grey knows she's onto a good thing. Though you should probably be picking up your own dirty grundies.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Regular Guy UK on Wed Aug 22, 2012 at 4:37 pm
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Wed Aug 22, 2012 - 12:53 am
I cannot imagine why she did not fling herself, submissively of course, at you, after such a display of obvious maleness. Happy Anniversary!Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by The Regular Guy UK on Wed Aug 22, 2012 at 1:22 am
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Report Tue Aug 21, 2012 - 11:37 pmYou have me laughing so hard right now. I can picture my husband doing the same thing.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Regular Guy UK on Wed Aug 22, 2012 at 1:21 am
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Report Tue Aug 21, 2012 - 8:20 pmI'm going to get fired for laughing so loudly at my computer--who wrote this, my husband LOL Sharing with my warped friends!Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Regular Guy UK on Tue Aug 21, 2012 at 9:17 pm
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Report Tue Aug 21, 2012 - 8:19 pmLoved this!Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Regular Guy UK on Tue Aug 21, 2012 at 9:15 pm
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Tue Aug 21, 2012 - 7:46 pm
LOL!Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by The Regular Guy UK on Tue Aug 21, 2012 at 9:15 pm
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Report Tue Aug 21, 2012 - 1:13 pmBrilliant. I haven't read the book either!Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Regular Guy UK on Tue Aug 21, 2012 at 1:39 pm
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