In The Powder Room

Aug 14

Up yours, Schizophrenia

Comments (13) by The Regular Gal August 14, 2012 - 6:01 AM

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Fuck You, Schizophrenia.

Because I hate your very name. It's long and no one knows how to spell it. Your stupid name has replaced a perfectly lovely name. His name is "Dan" and he is my brother. 

Because it isn't socially acceptable to blame my parents for schizophrenia. I rather enjoyed blaming them...those were good times and you took that from me.

Because you have painted your graffiti on my beautiful brother. My sweet, sensitive, handsome brother, who used to turn heads but now makes people cross to the other side of the street.

Because my brother will never get to have a catch with a son.

Because my own children look at me, unbelieving when I tell them that their Uncle Dan was the best baseball pitcher I ever saw. They only know the Schizophrenic, disheveled and muttering Dan.

Because your hateful voice is stuck in my brother's head.

Because he will never walk a daughter down the aisle.

Fuck You, Schizophrenia.

Because in my mind, my brother is dead. The brother of my childhood, just 18 months older than me, is dead to me. And, fuck you for judging that.

Because I wince when someone asks about him. I want to be my sisters...all mature and level headed and accepting. But, instead I refuse to speak of or about my lost brother.

Because I don't know what the fuck you did with my brother. Is he in there? Is he watching this horror play out? Is he sending me signals, using our childhood secret code that I've long since forgotten?

Because people make clucking noises just before or just after they say "Schizophrenia."

Because my brother knew me best and he must see what a coward I have become.

Because of all the times my brother saved me and now he is drowning and all I can do is watch and make clucking noises.

Because you haunt me. When I watch my own son on the pitcher's mound, I see my brother.

Because you invade all of my prayers. They all come back to you. Please protect my brother, please give him peace, please forgive me, and please, for the love of all things ​sacred, do.not.let.this.happen.to.my.children. This is always followed with apology prayers for being so selfish.

Because you took my big brother.

Because you left your calling card.

Fuck You, Schizophrenia.

by The Regular Gal August 14, 2012 - 6:01 AM

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  Report Mon Jan 14, 2013 - 5:59 am

  by  JD Bailey @ Honest Mom

  I'm so sorry this is something you and your family deal with. Just heartbreaking. FU mental illness, indeed.

  Reply Delete
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  Report Thu Aug 16, 2012 - 7:59 pm

  by  Allison Hart

  This is so well written. It's chilling and sad and honest.

  Reply Delete
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  Report Wed Aug 15, 2012 - 10:14 pm

  by  Kristen Mae

  Jesus. Indeed, fuck schizophrenia (I had to copy and paste the word because really, who can spell that shit?). Your prayers are NOT selfish. You have every right to pray those things. I'll pray for you too. xoxo

  Reply Delete
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  Report Wed Aug 15, 2012 - 1:50 am

  by  Gigi_E

  Thank you for writing this. it's so incredibly honest. It actually helps me understand what a friend of mine went through with her big brother. Although it was many years ago. So thank you. And I'm so incredibly sorry for both you, your family and especially your brother. xx

  Reply Delete
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  Report Wed Aug 15, 2012 - 1:04 am

  by  lhewitt

  Thank you for sharing this.

  Reply Delete
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  Report Tue Aug 14, 2012 - 11:48 pm

  by  ghostwritermummy

  what a beautifully honest post. I cannot imagine the pain u must feel to see your brother like this. Thanks for sharing. XxX

  Reply Delete
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  Report Tue Aug 14, 2012 - 11:38 pm

  by  Janie Emaus

  Thanks for sharing your feelings.

  Reply Delete
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  Report Tue Aug 14, 2012 - 10:35 pm

  by  Kim at Let Me Start By Saying

  Strong, silencing, encouraging. Thank you for sharing this.

  Reply Delete
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  Report Tue Aug 14, 2012 - 9:00 pm

  by  Corin

  So powerful! If by chance you live in the New England area, I would love to have you speak at a mental health event with my psychosis research group. If not, I hope you are in touch with your local NAMI chapter. They will be proud to have you!!

  Reply Delete
• 1 reply, Last reply by HouseTalkN on Tue Aug 14, 2012 at 9:15 pm
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  Report Tue Aug 14, 2012 - 9:15 pm

  by  HouseTalkN

  @Corin: NAMI is a wonderful organization- my mother is the president of her local NAMI. Thank you for sharing!

  Reply Delete
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  Report Tue Aug 14, 2012 - 8:34 pm

  by  Penny

  All I want to do is hug you and make the pain go. My mom was schizophrenic and everyone ignored it and pretended it would go away. Fuck you, Schizophrenia, but blessing to you for being as honest and strong as you are. IiiI

  Reply Delete
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  Report Tue Aug 14, 2012 - 8:03 pm

  by  Jessica

  Beautiful. Thank you for having the courage to share. I lost my husband to bipolar 2 years ago and can relate. I wish you peace and love.

  Reply Delete
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  Report Tue Aug 14, 2012 - 6:38 pm

  by  Michelle

  I wish I had words for you, but I don't. None. You have gone into your soul and written so honestly and nakedly that I'm speechless. Maybe I'll just join you: Fuck you, Schizophrenia. http://theycallmemummy.com

  Reply Delete