In The Powder Room

Aug 14

When sex becomes a chore

Comments (6) by The Regular Guy UK August 14, 2012 - 6:02 AM

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Dear Regular Guy,

I usually let my husband have sex about once a week but if, for some reason, we miss it, he gets really grumpy like I've done it on purpose to spite him. What's all that about?

Dry Parts.

Dear Dry,

I think the biggest clue there is in the question. You "let" your husband have sex. You allow it.

Nothing at all in this for you other than to shut him up or keep him tamed?

In any healthy, long term relationship the spark of sexual excitement will ebb a little with each year that passes. If kids come along then often this can be expedited somewhat but I suspect it's true of most couples, with or without children. Time erodes the surprise and the discovery of each other and replaces it with repetition. Time can be cruel.

But that doesn't mean it has to become a chore.

When you deem sex to be something you can reward your man for good behaviour with, a privilege that can be revoked, then you take away any last chance you had of actually enjoying it. It's almost as if you are ticking it off like any other weekly job.

This totally explains his mood swings. He has only one window of opportunity per week; has ticked off all of his weekly criteria and gained no black marks on his fridge behaviour chart so he will expect his reward. Dangle a carrot in front of a donkey all week as it plods along and you'd better give it the bloody carrot.

A donkey will kick out - a husband will sulk.

Nothing pisses a wife off faster than a sulking husband. It doesn't ‘work' as such, no man has ever successfully grumped his partner into bed but that just isn't the point. The point is to show her that he isn't prepared to jump through her hoops anymore. If he isn't going to get her into bed anyway then he might as well be a miserable bastard, openly showing that he is upset, instead of hiding behind the lie that "it doesn't matter" or that he doesn't mind. He does mind. When a long-term partner is openly miserable about being denied sex it isn't to do with that one singular occurrence, it's to do with the monotony of the situation. The loss of the buzz or the spontaneity, the lust or the biggest loss of all - the feeling of being genuinely wanted, sexually. When it is clear that she is having sex with him as a favour, this last fear kicks in.

And worse still - he puts up with it. Actually looks forward to his weekly hand-out. What else is there? For five minutes a week he can kid himself that you actually still desire him, that you actually still need him. It doesn't last long. But it's all he has.

Sex shouldn't be a tool like that. It shouldn't be a reward, it shouldn't be a chore and it certainly shouldn't be something you "let" someone do.

Stop trying to talk yourself into wanting to have sex and start actually wanting it again. Talk through any problems and start again. Sex can still be great after many years - you just have to want it to be.

Instead of just wanting it to be over for another week.

by The Regular Guy UK August 14, 2012 - 6:02 AM

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  Report Mon Mar 11, 2013 - 5:02 pm

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  Report Tue Aug 21, 2012 - 5:59 pm

  by  testname

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  Report Wed Aug 15, 2012 - 8:59 pm

  by  Suburban Snapshots

  So, so very true. Men want to feel like men and women like women. Feeling sexually desired and not having sex used as a reward or bribe is so important to a relationship. It's okay to be too tired, just be honest about it. Day to day family life can become redundant, it will take some effort to be playful, appreciative, loving. But make that effort. I feel like lately I've heard too many stories of sexless marriages and it's not hard to see the toll it takes.

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• 1 reply, Last reply by The Regular Guy UK on Wed Aug 15, 2012 at 11:12 pm
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  Report Wed Aug 15, 2012 - 11:12 pm

  by  The Regular Guy UK

  @Suburban Snapshots: absolutely . it might not be easy but few things of value are

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  Report Wed Aug 15, 2012 - 1:07 am

  by  lhewitt

  Hey Regular Guy, I agree. (Iknow I can't believe it either!)

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• 1 reply, Last reply by The Regular Guy UK on Wed Aug 15, 2012 at 1:11 am
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  Report Wed Aug 15, 2012 - 1:11 am

  by  The Regular Guy UK

  @lhewitt: :-) good job I was sat down when I read that :-D thanks

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