In The Powder Room

Sep 11

Badass mamas represent yo

Comments (29) by Nicole Leigh Shaw September 11, 2012 - 6:02 AM

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I still clean out my ears with cotton swabs. Something, like riding in the front seat and lead paint, that has gone out of fashion since my youth. If the children catch me sticking cotton-tipped lollipop sticks in my ears I say, "You shouldn't use these in your ears, they are for grown ups." Yep, condoms and cotton swabs, for grown ups only.

But, oh, those lovely swabs.

And-this was so fun-remember bench seats in cars? I could slide an easy two feet on a turn when Grandma got me strapped in next to her in the old sedan. Even seat belts were a joke then. I'd be in her lap if I had my polyester pants on. 

When I wasn't being flung side-to-side in my unnatural fabrics on Naugahyde, I was fiddling with the cigarette lighter. Remember that torture stick? It was the in-car entertainment before handheld gaming. How close could I get my hand to that red hot spiral? Feeling really lucky? Touch that sucker when the red fades to gray again.

Children's cough medicine, aspirin crushed up in a spoonful of OJ, Michael Jackson. We lived on the edge back in the day. A nation of reckless youths riding on BMX bikes without helmets, without knee pads, without our retainers in.

We didn't worry about BPA in our Coke bottles as we washed down a packet of Pop Rocks and looked the devil in the eye, daring him to explode our foolish heads like Mikey from the Life Cereal commercials.

I ate eggs when they were not incredible and edible, but considered the seat of demon cholesterol. I ate mini ravioli-out of dented cans. Botulism, the supermarket killer.

I played with yard darts, mother truckers.

But my kids? They're soft. They have helmets for bike riding, three-stage, convertible car seats for carpooling, grapes and hot dogs skinned and cut into bite-sized pieces.

But this isn't going where you think it is. I don't want to hop on the "kids these days" bandwagon. No ranting about my days running through the 'hood like a parentless hooligan. I'm happy to have my kids under the thumbs of myself, the NTSB, and "caution: coffee is hot" product recalls.

In my house, where my kids can already program the DVR but can't tie their own shoes.

In my house where my kids kick my ass at Guitar Hero even though they can't spell guitar and don't know what hair bands are . . .

In my house where new math renders me incapable of helping my second grader add two, three, and four digit numbers . . .

Those cotton swabs and my knowledge of the cigarette lighter as more than an outlet for charging a Nintendo DS are the only claims to my badass status.

How you like me now, offspring punks?

by Nicole Leigh Shaw September 11, 2012 - 6:02 AM

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Comments (29)

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  Report Sat Sep 29, 2012 - 2:36 am

  by  Jam

  Here here but did you ever use the cigarette lighter to try and set fire to the cotton swabs that was fun unless dad caught us.............then not so fun.............

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  Report Tue Sep 11, 2012 - 4:48 pm

  by  Anna

  I LOVE this post. Seriously! I used to eat raw ground beef by the spoonful - with just a little bit of salt and pepper. Man - that shit was good!

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• 4 replies, Last reply by Alexis on Sat Sep 22, 2012 at 12:30 am
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  Report Tue Sep 11, 2012 - 5:44 pm

  by  Debbie

  @Anna: Oh my gosh - cracked up at that mental picture! You ARE a badass. lol

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  Report Tue Sep 11, 2012 - 6:11 pm

  by  Nicole Leigh Shaw

  @Anna: You and my mom, both. She still waxes poetic about stealing pinched of raw beef from my grandmother's dinner prep.

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  Report Thu Sep 13, 2012 - 9:18 pm

  by  RockyCat

  @Anna: I loved raw hamburg as a kid. Hillbilly Steak Tartare. And I used to crawl over the top of the car's front seats to get to the back seats, and back again. While we were moving. Anybody else remember sitting in the front passenger seat, and having your mom's right arm come flinging across you when she had to make a sudden stop? Mom WAS the seatbelt.

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  Report Sat Sep 22, 2012 - 12:30 am

  by  Alexis

  @RockyCat: That's hilarious. I was just telling my son about that yesterday when I clotheslined him in the front seat despite having a seatbelt. We also had a station wagon where we would all pile in the "back-back" and my dad would drive all crazy slamming us around the back while we peed our pants from laughing so hard. I think that might be considered child abuse now...

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  Report Thu Sep 13, 2012 - 10:12 pm

  by  Toni/Expat Mum

  I'm so badass I have only just stopped crushing pills on spoons for the kids. Seriously! I was brought up taking crushed aspirin in a little bit of milk on a spoon and until about a month ago was doing the same with my kids. It was only when I recommended this to a friend who's married to a doctor that I saw the light....

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  Report Wed Sep 12, 2012 - 7:09 pm

  by  hollow tree ventures

  Those were the days - I used to play with my grandma's electric mixer when we visited her because she didn't have any toys at her house. And we got there in our van, which had beanbag chairs in the back instead of seats. Yeah, I'll keep my kids home playing Guitar Hero, thankyouverymuch. I'm assuming they'll learn to tie shoes someday; I did, and all my shoes were Velcro or jelly slip-ons.

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• 1 reply, Last reply by Nicole Leigh Shaw on Thu Sep 13, 2012 at 1:28 am
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  Report Thu Sep 13, 2012 - 1:28 am

  by  Nicole Leigh Shaw

  @hollow tree ventures: Whirrrrr! Bring back memories? Oh, jelly shoes. Another danger from our childhood.

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  Report Wed Sep 12, 2012 - 8:41 am

  by  Rinn

  OMG! I cringed when I read the part about the cigarette lighter. -twitch- My brother (seven years my junior) took the one out of the backseat armrest of our Lincoln Continental when he was six -- and grabbed it between index finger and thumb. Instant cauterization of the nerves, and a third-degree burn in the shape of a near-perfect circle on each digit. That is a smell I will /never/ forget... -__-;

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• 1 reply, Last reply by Nicole Leigh Shaw on Wed Sep 12, 2012 at 6:53 pm
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  Report Wed Sep 12, 2012 - 6:53 pm

  by  Nicole Leigh Shaw

  @Rinn: Exactly! (Sorry to hear about your brother's accident.) Those things were so damn dangerous. And I played with it all the time. It's a miracle I didn't join your brother in the burn ward.

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  Report Tue Sep 11, 2012 - 11:48 pm

  by  lhewitt

  You, my dear, are a true bad ass. WTF - new math? no - oh hell no. Impaled neighbor with a yard dart, it was magnificent.

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• 3 replies, Last reply by Nicole Leigh Shaw on Wed Sep 12, 2012 at 7:15 am
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  Report Wed Sep 12, 2012 - 7:09 am

  by  Nicole Leigh Shaw

  @lhewitt: Oh, Yard Darts. Nothing puts the fun in backyard play quite like acute trauma the brain.

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  Report Wed Sep 12, 2012 - 7:13 am

  by  lhewitt

  @Nicole Leigh Shaw: It was the leg.

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  Report Wed Sep 12, 2012 - 7:15 am

  by  Nicole Leigh Shaw

  @lhewitt: Well, you were young. Your aim? Not so great.

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  Report Tue Sep 11, 2012 - 8:58 pm

  by  shannon

  ha! for years i ate the raw burger, too...until my mom told me i could get worms =( and i ate the bones of chicken drumsticks...must have been iron deficient, lol and all those other things! my cousins had a station wagon...good times! and my mom would send me to the store with a note to buy her a carton of cigarettes. and walking home from school i'd stop in all the neighbors' yards when they were at work and i'd play with their dogs...i'd not only NOT let my kids walk home the route i walked, but i'd shit myself if they ever went in someone's yard. and played with a random dog =P

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• 1 reply, Last reply by Nicole Leigh Shaw on Tue Sep 11, 2012 at 9:48 pm
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  Report Tue Sep 11, 2012 - 9:48 pm

  by  Nicole Leigh Shaw

  @shannon: Exactly. And that's why all of our children will submit to the aliens when they come to take over. ;) I was a yard wanderer, too. I can't imagine that now!

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  Report Tue Sep 11, 2012 - 6:04 pm

  by  Allison Hart

  You are so badass! Can we add the "way back" to the list of adrenaline junkie things we did back in the day? My mom used to transport entire birthday parties in her station wagon. No joke. Three times a year a dozen or so of my friends, my sister's friends or my brother's friends would pack into that wagon and head for pizza, which was never dabbed with a napkin to sop up extra transfats.

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• 3 replies, Last reply by Anna on Tue Sep 11, 2012 at 6:42 pm
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  Report Tue Sep 11, 2012 - 6:10 pm

  by  Nicole Leigh Shaw

  @Allison Hart : I laid across the "shelf" at the back of the car. You know, the rear window? I did this with a pillow, a doll, my car trip toys. . . for hours. Not only totally dangerous for me, but zero visibility for the driver.

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  Report Tue Sep 11, 2012 - 6:18 pm

  by  Allison Hart

  @Nicole Leigh Shaw: That's AWESOME! Am I the only person who remembers when the "brat" truck came out? It had two seats in the truck bed.

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  Report Tue Sep 11, 2012 - 6:42 pm

  by  Anna

  @Allison Hart : Car trips!!! 1. When we were little, my parents gave us Nyquil every 3 hours on car trips so that we would be passed out the entire time. 2. We once took the Suburban on a 12 hour road trip. There weren't enough seats, so my seat was laying on the floor between the two bucket seats in the middle. 3. On our annual summer camping trip, my parents would have my brother and I ride in the back of the pick up truck (also a 12 hour drive). They tied a rope down the middle, so we wouldn't get on each other's side - and so we could have something to hold onto if necessary. And they gave us a walkie talkie in case we needed to contact them. Good times!

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  Report Tue Sep 11, 2012 - 5:42 pm

  by  Debbie

  So very true. Sometimes I feel lucky that I am still alive after my reckless antics as a kid. We used to jump off the roof, ride bikes with suckers in our mouths, NEVER wore seat belts, AND I used to light my mom's cigarette and take the first puff to get it going.

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• 1 reply, Last reply by Nicole Leigh Shaw on Tue Sep 11, 2012 at 6:13 pm
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  Report Tue Sep 11, 2012 - 6:13 pm

  by  Nicole Leigh Shaw

  @Debbie: That cigarette lighting reminds me that I use to bike to the store and buy cigarettes for my mom and grandmother. I was 8. And, I could work a pack of matches. We kick ass.

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  Report Tue Sep 11, 2012 - 4:51 pm

  by  SIsterhood of the Sensible Moms

  Today is a day where I need to channel my inner badassness. Thank you! Going to go make sure my kids know what a hair band is now. Ellen

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• 1 reply, Last reply by Nicole Leigh Shaw on Tue Sep 11, 2012 at 6:12 pm
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  Report Tue Sep 11, 2012 - 6:12 pm

  by  Nicole Leigh Shaw

  @SIsterhood of the Sensible Moms: Someone has to spread the word. You're doing good work, Ellen. Show them how to spark a lighter during a concert, too. Lit cell phone screens don't count.

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  Report Tue Sep 11, 2012 - 4:16 pm

  by  essay

  this is very interesting:):) thank you very much

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• 1 reply, Last reply by Nicole Leigh Shaw on Tue Sep 11, 2012 at 4:55 pm
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  Report Tue Sep 11, 2012 - 4:55 pm

  by  Nicole Leigh Shaw

  @essay: You're very welcome, random spammer.

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  Report Tue Sep 11, 2012 - 12:44 pm

  by  The Regular Guy UK

  I sometimes try and ride my bike non-handed when the kids are up ahead and can't see me, then berate them mercile ssly if I catch them doing the same. How bad ass am I?

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• 1 reply, Last reply by Nicole Leigh Shaw on Tue Sep 11, 2012 at 4:38 pm
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  Report Tue Sep 11, 2012 - 4:38 pm

  by  Nicole Leigh Shaw

  @The Regular Guy UK: You're in, mother trucker. Badass Club materials are on their way to you now in an envelope made of paper so sharp you're liable to get a level 3 paper cut when you open it. And you shall be known as Rides With No-Hands. And our tribe welcomes you.

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