In The Powder Room

Oct 16

Boobs are funnier than cancer

Comments (15) by Allison Hart October 16, 2012 - 6:01 AM

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Breast cancer is not funny. There is really nothing remotely funny about it. Ironically, boobs are hilarious. Women walk around with these funny, bouncy things sticking out in front of them. Big, small, perky, droopy, real, fake-whatever kind you've got, the whole world knows it.

Breasts are not primarily a sex organ, or even a primary sex organ, and possibly not even an organ at all-I'm not a doctor. However, in our culture, they certainly are sexual. Most other sex bits and pieces are carefully hidden away. We don't know what your pants are concealing. But we all know about your boobs.

We know when you're cold, when you decided on a push-up bra, when you've skipped the bra altogether, (not recommended). We see them sticking up out of your blouse; we see your necklace pendant wedged in the middle (just me?). We see that you're really an A-cup pushed and squeezed up into a miracle bra. Let's be honest; it looks stupid. Who do you think you're fooling with your false advertising? And you, with your immobile cantaloupes, we know they're fake. They don't look good.

Every man I know has checked out my boobs. They can't help themselves. Not because my boobs are anything especially spectacular (they totally are) but because men are just so interested in boobs. There is no (straight) man who wouldn't like to stare at your ta-tas rather than listen to whatever it is you're saying. He may try to hide his glances with a scratch at his brow, a cough. But you know he's looking. We go our whole lives simultaneously showing off our boobs and getting offended when men take notice.

We also go our whole lives covering them up-we're not a terribly topless culture. Then we have a baby and our boobs are no longer sexual at all. They are purely for the nourishment of our precious babes. Suddenly we're offended that anyone could ever think differently. We whip ‘em out in public, determined to not look as self-conscious as we feel, certain that our boob-whipping peers are not uncomfortable like we are. We allow nurses, lactation consultants, just about anyone willing to help us adjust, squeeze, and steer our breasts into ideal feeding position. We talk about our breasts openly and with everyone, sometimes thinly disguised with words like "feeding," "nursing," "pumping." But really, we're talking about boobs.

We go around with a new set of bigger boobs for a while. These boobs are heavy and they leak. The nipples are humongous. And they sure don't enjoy the privacy that our old boobs did.

And then we wean and our breasts go back to being sexual beacons lighting the way before us. Except now they're low beams instead of high beams.

See? Boobs = hilarious. Breast cancer = still not funny.

In the spirit of breast-cancer awareness month, I am donating my pay from this post to Dana-Farber Cancer Institute. In The Powder Room is generously matching my donation. Please feel your boobs today and encourage your friends to feel theirs.

by Allison Hart October 16, 2012 - 6:01 AM

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  Report Mon Mar 11, 2013 - 5:06 pm

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  Report Wed Feb 27, 2013 - 4:49 pm

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  Report Sun Oct 28, 2012 - 9:44 am

  by  Veronica The Pajama Thief

  I took your advice... and got my hands slapped. Then I went back and re-read your post... oops! You said to 'feel your boobs and encourage your friends to feel theirs." I got that backwards! Sorry, girls... my bad... hehe!

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  Report Wed Oct 17, 2012 - 9:50 pm

  by  Janie Emaus

  My boobs were the best when I was nursing. I think that's why I did it for so long. Now they are just plain "long."

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• 1 reply, Last reply by Allison Hart on Fri Oct 19, 2012 at 6:02 pm
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  Report Fri Oct 19, 2012 - 6:02 pm

  by  Allison Hart

  @Janie Emaus: Gives new meaning to the phrase "breast is best."

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  Report Wed Oct 17, 2012 - 11:40 am

  by  Wendy

  This made me giggle tonight. Thanks for the laugh!

  Reply Delete
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  Report Wed Oct 17, 2012 - 2:19 am

  by  Dyanne

  I have taken my best shot at finding the "funny" in breast cancer in my blog. I figure it's better than crying about it. (Done some of that, too, don't get me wrong.) I whip mine out if asked now that I have had reconstruction from bilateral mastectomy, because they are truly AWESOME now. They were never much to speak of before, especially after my two kids sucked the very life out of them....

  Reply Delete
• 1 reply, Last reply by Allison Hart on Wed Oct 17, 2012 at 8:06 am
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  Report Wed Oct 17, 2012 - 8:06 am

  by  Allison Hart

  @Dyanne: That is truly awesome. A well deserved reward for sure!

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  Report Tue Oct 16, 2012 - 11:35 pm

  by  lhewitt

  Hey Allison, Being small of breast, mine have never really amused me, so thanks for the laugh. Donating your pay = Fabulous

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  Report Tue Oct 16, 2012 - 8:10 pm

  by  Keesha

  Just had the 40 year old boobs rite of passage - the mammmogram. Felt like someone was trying to squeeze a gallon of juice out of my berry sized boobs as they choreographed me in a strange duet with a huge machine. May we all take care of our boobs and show booby love no matter what they look like!

  Reply Delete
• 1 reply, Last reply by Allison Hart on Tue Oct 16, 2012 at 8:19 pm
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  Report Tue Oct 16, 2012 - 8:19 pm

  by  Allison Hart

  @Keesha: I once had a summer job that involved hanging up mammogram films for a radiologist to read. The films were big, like 2 ft x 1 ft, maybe larger, and the boobs filled the whole space. I asked if they only do mammograms on gigantically breasted women. The radiologist laughed and said that any breast gets that big when squished enough. So not looking forward to my first mammogram!

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  Report Tue Oct 16, 2012 - 6:22 pm

  by  Bethany @ Bad Parenting Moments

  If not for the glorious power of the hardcore "active" sports bra, my boobs would never even make it close to my chest...which, if I remember correctly, are where boobs are supposed to reside.

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• 1 reply, Last reply by Allison Hart on Tue Oct 16, 2012 at 7:49 pm
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  Report Tue Oct 16, 2012 - 7:49 pm

  by  Allison Hart

  @Bethany @ Bad Parenting Moments: Sports bras are the enemy of the well-endowed. I think it's a sign from the universe that we should just sit around with our boobs.

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  Report Tue Oct 16, 2012 - 5:36 pm

  by  FernDeVilliers

  "Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid." Dave Barry. "Mine help me explain the new shoes that I bought ever single time." Fern.

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• 1 reply, Last reply by Allison Hart on Tue Oct 16, 2012 at 7:48 pm
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  Report Tue Oct 16, 2012 - 7:48 pm

  by  Allison Hart

  @FernDeVilliers: LOL. Both perfectly correct.

  Reply Delete