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Real men own power washers
My neighbor has this little old steam engine boat parked in his driveway. Think "The African Queen" meets a toy tug boat. Except no leeches, Bogart or Hepburn. Just me, him and the neighbors going about our Saturday chores.
Well, this past Saturday, he was getting it ready for the upcoming 4th of July festivities. So, he breaks out this implement of destruction, also known as a power washer. Well, he starts blasting his boat with rocket propelled water streaming from a fire hose-like device to the point that I thought he might blow a hole right in the side of the old girl. The assault was reminiscent of a man armed with an AK-47 as opposed to soap and water. I was amazed. And a tad frightened.
Mesmerized, in a semi-hypnotic state, I crossed the street and ambled into his yard where a small gathering of the neighborhood men had already convened to support him in the manliest of tasks - power tool usage. Some smoked cigarettes, some grabbed a beer from his cooler, but mostly we just watched him annihilate bottom algae while we thought to ourselves, "Take that you single-celled bastard. You protozoan P.O.S. Die, algae, DIE!"
The other men on my street seemed more familiar with the process and asked him informed questions along the lines of, "How many P.S.I. does that little puppy have?" or "Does it super-heat the projected water first?"
"Where'd you get it," I blurted out over the thunderous sound of water rhythmically pounding fiberglass gunwales, still amazed at this machine? "Did ya' have to get a license first," thinking to myself 'I must have one of these power washers.'
And with that question, he released his grip on the trigger and the ear shattering noise came to an abrupt halt.
All eyes were on me.
"Home Depot," he said slowly, clearly realizing for the first time that I was severely mentally challenged. "No license required," he said with a condescending snarl.
"Oh, of course, Home Depot," I whispered, trying to recover.
But the damage was done.
The other men imperceptibly shifted away from me and toward the man wielding the power tool.
Realizing my presence was no longer necessary, I shuffled back to my own yard, noticing the moss on my cedar shingles that have sadly never seen the business end of a power washer.
I sat down at my fancy-pants little laptop with its full QWERTY keyboard and I wrote my 4th of July piece for ITPR - the website for women with Extreme Mofosity.
I longed for the days I was a real man.
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Comments (21)
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Report Wed Oct 31, 2012 - 12:46 pmThanks for sharing. i really appreciate it that you shared with us such informative postReply
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Report Tue Jul 10, 2012 - 6:58 pmyeahReply
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1 reply, Last reply by korpi on Tue Jul 10, 2012 at 6:59 pm
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Report Thu Jul 5, 2012 - 11:55 amIf it makes you feel better, know that whilst I wield the power tools, my nerdy husband fixes my hair and blush- on the rare occasion I wear blush...Reply
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3 replies, Last reply by Irregular Guy on Fri Jul 6, 2012 at 1:21 am
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Wed Jul 4, 2012 - 9:03 pm
I've always wanted one of those but just aren't man enough . I'd wind up in all sorts of mess. Happy 4th - remember, we'd have faught harder to keep you if it wasn't for the lack of a good cup of tea.... Who serves tea cold?Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by Irregular Guy on Wed Jul 4, 2012 at 10:08 pm
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Wed Jul 4, 2012 - 7:08 pm
Hey Irregular Guy, You should get you some power tools. They are awesome! DeWaults are the best, but Black and Decker are pretty sweet too (and more affordable). Just start with a cordless drill/screwdriver, then maybe a small jigsaw and a sander/grinder and of course you should get a power washer (today if possible). Practice in the backyard first and hold the wand tight - it can get away from you. Then email that bastard neighbor a virus and crash his computer, go wash your driveway and wait for him to come beg you to fix his computer.Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by Irregular Guy on Wed Jul 4, 2012 at 8:20 pm
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Wed Jul 4, 2012 - 6:58 pm
I must pass a message on from the man who cleaned my deck recently - you should not use power washers on wood unless you know what you're doing. It splits the wood. (Of course he could have been saying that so that he - the person who knows what he's doing - can get more work.)Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by Irregular Guy on Wed Jul 4, 2012 at 8:19 pm
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Wed Jul 4, 2012 - 4:33 pm
I love my power washer. It's not just a man thing. I couldn't tell you what it pulls or anything like that. Just that you can't power wash enough once you start - you just can't stop. Get yourself to Home Depot because once you start zapping that dirt you will no longer give a toss what your knob of neighbour thinks. They are not that expensive.Reply -
3 replies, Last reply by Irregular Guy on Wed Jul 4, 2012 at 8:18 pm
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Wed Jul 4, 2012 - 4:38 pm
I'm guessing his performance in front of the neighborhood gentlemen was overcompensation for an itty bitty willy, and he felt the desire to power-wash yours away in order to feel more a Man. Ladies love a fella who can master QWERTY over one in love with his wood, any day. Trust me.Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by Irregular Guy on Wed Jul 4, 2012 at 6:44 pm
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