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No longer the bitch
by Ten years ago I left my first husband. I left with three children, and a big bag full of grudges.
My ex and I could not be termed "friendly." Many conversations were loud and harsh. Court battles were long, expensive, and further fueled our animosity.
For the sake of the children...isn't that what everyone says...for the sake of the children? But for them, I stopped communicating with my ex completely. I made sure the children answered when he called. I was conveniently away from the house when he would come for visits. Even as I type this, I'm trying with great difficulty to omit snide remarks, because after 10 years of a mindset cemented in cynicism and anxiety, I am really trying to believe that all of this is now unnecessary.
Fast forward to present day post-divorce.
Due to many circumstances, some instigated by my ex, and yes, some by me, my children are not comfortable with their father, and have very little contact with him.
He can't be blamed entirely for his actions. I know that his childhood did not come with a happy daddy; rather one who dealt with a stern, harsh, heavy hand, and wounding words.
Although my ex was never violent towards my children, he seemed to lack the tools necessary for parenting.
The other night he called and said that he was coming through town to see a concert, and wanted the boys to come with him.
Both declined.
As my reaction grew from relief to gleefulness, I realized something.
That I'm stunted.
That I'm stuck.
That I'm stupid.
That I need to help this person.
With shaking fingers, I dialed my ex's number, and braced myself for a conversation I should have had with this man several years ago.
Without stumbling, and with great sincerity, I told him what I should have told him all those other times my children declined to go with him; all the times they did not want to fly to his home for summer vacations; all the times they refused to stay overnight.
I very simply said: Don't take it personally.
Because it's not personal.
Although I never prevented my children from seeing him, I could have offered my ex words of encouragement; ways for him to bond with his children; enabled a relationship between them that is more than what it now is: strangers who share genetic traits.
But when you're standing in the middle of the muck, you can't imagine that your brand new white shoes will ever be clean. It doesn't immediately occur to you that with a little bit of scrubbing, the brown will wear off and the brightness of the white will peak through.
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Comments (34)
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Thu Aug 2, 2012 - 7:18 pm
Great post. And you are so right. When you're in the middle, you can't see it.Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by Sandra C on Wed Aug 8, 2012 at 11:37 am
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Report Fri Aug 3, 2012 - 12:00 amI love this post! You, my friend, are evolving into a beautiful being. Forgiveness (which is all about you letting go, not letting anyone else off the hook) can often suck balls, but it leads to freedom in your soul. Good for you!!! xoxoxo p.s. Never say/think/write that you are stupid. You are a frigging genius.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Sandra C on Wed Aug 8, 2012 at 11:37 am
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Report Fri Aug 3, 2012 - 12:27 amYou have grown so much this past year! Josh grew up with a poor excuse for a father, and after many attempts at building a relationship that always ended with his dad and stepmom hurting us, Josh decided to cut them out of our lives altogether. It makes me hurt for Josh, but I cannot stand seeing the pain his dad was putting him and our kids through. We may occasionally see them at family functions over the holidays, but that's it. No one will ever ask you and your ex to be friends, and your kids are old enough to decide for themselves whether they want a relationship with him. The fact that you reached out to him means a lot. Proud of you.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Sandra C on Wed Aug 8, 2012 at 11:36 am
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Fri Aug 3, 2012 - 2:26 am
Love this. It is a shame that ex's will never know what great people these kids are. But not your shame, just, in general. That is how I look at for my son, anyway.Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by Sandra C on Wed Aug 8, 2012 at 11:34 am
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Report Fri Aug 3, 2012 - 7:22 pmI thankfully found the place in which you speak. Others don't yet understand my lack of incitement or hostility. It shows from time to time and few recognize that my decisions are what is best for my child not whether they convenience her father or not. The few times I have tried to discuss the "not taking it personally" or "you might want to approach differently because you are already alienating her at 4" talks never go well. He always makes it about him. Everything in life is about him. The place you are, is a spot of freedom. Congrats to you for reaching it. I really mean that! OH! And just because he grew up with a crappy example does not excuse the lack of initiative on improving and righting wrongs in learning to parent and relate. That was always my ex's issue. I get sorta stuck on the excuse stuff :DReply
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1 reply, Last reply by Sandra C on Wed Aug 8, 2012 at 11:34 am
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Report Fri Aug 3, 2012 - 8:16 pmI'm glad you did it, if nothing else because now you know YOU tried. But do'nt take too much of the blame on yourself; he could have figured this out without you telling him. I tried to talk to my ex like that too....didn't work. =(Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Sandra C on Wed Aug 8, 2012 at 11:33 am
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Fri Aug 3, 2012 - 11:00 pm
It is liberating to no longer need to carry the bitch-torch, I'll bet. Healing old wounds...how healthy! Really smiling for you in this moment, my dear :)Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by Sandra C on Wed Aug 8, 2012 at 11:32 am
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Report Fri Aug 3, 2012 - 11:17 pmOh Sandra, that is both sad and inciteful. My parents divorced when I was 7 and it was a hateful parting of the ways. My dad took us (illegally) and kept on going. All the while telling us how evil our mother was so we never sought her out even when we were old enough to do so. Gosh, I am 60 now and never saw her before she died last year. 53 years is a long time to be estranged from a parent. What a waste. Maybe we would of had a relationship or not. I don't know. What I do know is my dad could of handled it differently. I think mending some of those fences is good for you but great for your kids to see you try. I would hug you if I could.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Sandra C on Wed Aug 8, 2012 at 11:31 am
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Report Sat Aug 4, 2012 - 12:02 amYou are a hell of a woman. Congrats.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Sandra C on Wed Aug 8, 2012 at 11:29 am
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Report Sat Aug 4, 2012 - 5:45 amIt took quite a lot for you to do that, but I think it was the right thing to do. You don't need to be the punisher or the enforcer anymore, the Lord will take care of your ex. Now, the relationship with his kids will be entirely his issue, and no longer yours. You did good. :)Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Sandra C on Wed Aug 8, 2012 at 11:28 am
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Sat Aug 4, 2012 - 9:50 am
It is very hard to be the type of person who doesn't say bad things about the ex or to feel happy when the children chose you over the ex.......however, I have two sisters who did just that they never ran their ex down was always telling their children that their father loved them and wanting them in his life and when you consider one man was an alcholic who care more about himself then anyone else and the other was abusive...........everyone thought my sisters were amazing for putting thier childrens feels first............Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by Sandra C on Wed Aug 8, 2012 at 11:27 am
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Report Sat Aug 4, 2012 - 10:24 amThat took a lot of courage and speaks volumes about your character. I'm 33, and my mother still bashes my father today as much as she did 20 years ago when they split. Your children's relationship with their father will evolve, and maybe it will get better when they're older. But for now, what you did is commendable. Shows a lot of integrity.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Sandra C on Wed Aug 8, 2012 at 11:26 am
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Report Sun Aug 5, 2012 - 2:11 amMy daughters grew to dislike their biological father also. They are in their 40s now and try to find excuses not to see him when he wants to visit. I never put him down when they were young - they just learned to dislike his lies and lifestyle. It is nice you talked to your ex. I forgave mine long ago, but now my daughters have to reach forgiveness.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Sandra C on Wed Aug 8, 2012 at 11:25 am
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Report Sun Aug 5, 2012 - 3:18 amSuch an inspiring story of self-growth. Tell me: does it feel half as good as it sounds? I have some people I could stand to forgive. This stubbornness of mine just makes that difficult.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Sandra C on Wed Aug 8, 2012 at 11:23 am
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Report Sun Aug 5, 2012 - 12:11 pmI'm so happy you are at such a strong place in your life. I can't imagine what you've gone through and can only hope that if I am ever in your shoes that I will have the same amount of strength. You rock lady! Whole lotta love, Kristyl (www.sexandthesuburb.com)Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Sandra C on Wed Aug 8, 2012 at 11:22 am
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Report Mon Aug 6, 2012 - 9:43 pmForgiveness is so difficult sometimes, isn't it? But it brings such relief and lifts such a weight when we are finally able to be in that place. So proud of you and I know that God will help you through this journey!Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Sandra C on Wed Aug 8, 2012 at 11:21 am
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Report Fri Aug 3, 2012 - 10:53 pmThats got to be tough, but good on you for feeling something for his situation. My sig other has an ex, but she has ZERO contact with him.Reply
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