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Failing motherhood
by In the darkness of my bedroom, I awake, suddenly gripped with the fear that I'm not doing it right.
During the day, I blaze through the hours a spirit of positivity and enthusiasm. I smile when I'm supposed to. But when the lights go out and my eyelids begin to droop, my mind rewinds to scenarios, comments that have been said to me. Like my daughter saying that when she grows up, she's going to have pictures of her kids all over the house.
I have no pictures. I've always very proudly proclaimed that I don't need my walls plastered with their smiling faces because I have the real thing before me. But that's not a good enough answer. The very lack of effort on my part to hammer a nail into my wall onto which I should have hung a portrait of my children has caused my daughter to doubt me as a mother. I'm not good enough.
I drive my kids to their activities. I talk with them. I congratulate them on good behaviour. I debate with them. I follow the advice they give me. But in the middle of the night, I bolt upright in my bed, and remember that my oldest son told me that he's going to parent so much differently than I am. He's never going to yell at his kids. Gentle parenting, he calls it. Clearly I am not a gentle parent even though I have never laid one finger on them.
I think I'm doing everything right. But at 4am, as I'm tossing and turning, my sleeping pill having long worn off; that sleeping pill, the only remedy which grants me a few hours of respite from my self-indulgent pity, I keep thinking about my 14 year old, and how could I not have known he had ADD? How did I miss this? Instead the child lived in anxiety for 10 years, wondering what he would blurt out during class; walking through the door of our house knowing that within moments, a teacher was going to call to give great details of his misbehaving during class time. Often now he will tell me, "See Mom, I told you I had ADD!" A reprimand.
I'm shit.
A friend was having a party. It's a party I've not often attended in the last 8-9 years since she's been having it, because quite honestly, I don't feel like going. Her response when I RSVPed "no" to her invite, "What about the kids? Wouldn't they enjoy it?" My answer, "I don't really care if they'd enjoy it."
I knew I was going to lay awake beating myself up over that one.
I did. And here I am in the middle of the night, confessing my sins.
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Comments (15)
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Report Mon Oct 8, 2012 - 3:51 am"Failing Motherhood', give yourself a break. The fact of you thinking over things makes you a good mom. Besides, I don't know of a mother alive that has not pondered over some decisions, comments, actions she may have or have not taken. Motherhood is a learning process. If child is as different as every situation. Stay true to yourself and follow your values of motherhood and the kids will be okay. My kids are in college and they are always telling me what I did or did not do. My 'many excapades of shouting and acting crazzzy' are the running jokes of our conversations. Keep your head it will be okay...Reply -
Report Mon Sep 24, 2012 - 8:43 pmRecent motherhood fail: I was having the "puberty" talk with my newly pubescent daughter. As I clumsily tried to navigate menstruation, she cut me off and gave me the hand. "Just quit talking, Mom. I'd rather read about it in the book." Shit.Reply
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Report Sun Sep 23, 2012 - 1:20 amI'm a shitty mom too. But my kids are awesome. So in reality, I am the only that thinks it because I get scared. You know what? Give yourself a break. I always tell my teens when I have been a raging cow, hey I dont know you today. You are an ever changing human and I have never been a mom today. So I am still learning about who you are. And then they love me anyway. Hug yourself.Reply
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Report Sat Sep 22, 2012 - 9:18 pmOh honey, I don't nail their smiling faces to my walls either. One day during a discussion about some poor decision making on my daughter's part, she said to me, "I'm not going to ruin my life like you did YOURS!" She doesn't realize they ARE my life. You're doing your job. Their job as kids is to tell you how wrong you're doing it so they will have something to look back on when they do things just like you did. It helps them be thankful later!Reply
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Sat Sep 22, 2012 - 6:33 am
Damn you are just mum like the rest of us and your kids say I wll do better to you too, who would have thought......................lolReply -
Report Sat Sep 22, 2012 - 4:31 amIt's more tiring worrying about "how" we're raising the kids, than raising the kids. My oldest is almost 17, and I'm tired of being tired. They (the children) are who they are. They are not us. We can not make them us, or what we wish we were when we were young. (Say "that" 5 times.) Anyway, continue to do your best, and get some sleep! :)Reply
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Report Fri Sep 21, 2012 - 7:18 pmThe very fact that you are worrying over being a good parent in the middle of the night makes you a good parent. Snaps to you. PS- I'm the same Stephanie D from Connecting with Stepanie. I've started a new blog just for the Isaac and Sam series. Hope you like it.Reply
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Report Fri Sep 21, 2012 - 6:11 pmI too have had those thoughts of failure. My kids have all told me the kind of parents they're going to be and then.. I post my kinda' music on Facebook and my daughter responded with, "Mom, your music is the worst! It was my least favorite thing about living at home." - My doubts are gone and yours will be too. :) - You're a great mom. You're doing it right. Unfortunately you won't get to know that until your kids are heading into their 30's. ; )Reply
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Report Fri Sep 21, 2012 - 9:24 amYer nuts. Flat out fucking nuts. We all suck as some point, but all rock socks too. "Gentle parenting"? Seriously? I swore I would never yell at my kids either...big load of bullshit there. After all, they are loud as hell. I need to do something to be heard! Parent differently? What does that mean anyway lol? Does that mean with or without the electric fence collar? How could you not have known he had ADD? Maybe because 95% of kids are batshit crazy and you figured he was one of them. That is normal! I wake up at night thinking and dwelling on how I could do things better, but then I remember: I'm fucking awesome! I love my kids. I support them. I am here for them. They are provided for. They are healthy, happy (I guess), have full tummies and a warm bed. That is the core of every thing a mommy needs to do. One day, when their kids are yelling, reprimanding and the like them all over the place, they will look back, call you up and say, "Mom, I am *sorry*! How did you not eat me at birth?" And you will chuckle. Then you will guffaw. Then you will laugh the maniacal laugh of a woman has finally seen the day when the phrase, "I hope you have kids that act just like *you*!" has come to fruition . You are a great mom, so hush up yo face! IiiIReply
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Report Fri Sep 21, 2012 - 6:45 amSandra, every child believes they will be better and different, than their parents. Until they have their own children and realize that this is MUCH harder than it seems. And then you'll get calls, asking how you did this, how you handled this, what the fuck is this?! and they will listen to you. Because you will be an expert to them. In the mean time, you are not a failure. Your kids are still breathing, and the house is standing. Ergo, not a failure.Reply
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Report Fri Sep 21, 2012 - 12:44 amI’m still reading your blog, however I’m enhancing myself. I definitely like everything that is written in your blog. Thanks for sharing…Reply
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Fri Sep 21, 2012 - 12:27 am
You are much too hard on yourself. Didn't we all say the exact same thing about our own parents. Chin up, buttercup. Your kids are fine. Sounds like teenager syndrome to me. We all had a case of that. I have had add for over 40 years and no pixs of the kids all over the walls and that party didn't sound like a whole lot of fun. I can't believe she rsvp'd your rsvp - damn.Reply -
Report Fri Sep 21, 2012 - 12:04 amMy son was 11 years old. 11 years of suffering horrible stomach pains, colic, painful bloating and gas - before we realized he was lactose intolerant. We don't give the kids a chance to tell us what we're doing wrong - I tell them "I think I could have done ______ better, I'm sorry I didn't, I'm still learning this too". You do the best you can, tell your kids every day, every minute, how much you love them -and don't feel guilty about mistakes. Mistakes just mean you're only human.Reply
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Thu Sep 20, 2012 - 7:45 pm
We told our kids that they will definitely do it differently, and will find their own unique ways to screw up their kids. We did it differently (and Better! Of course) than our parents, and so will they. It's OK. When the kids are teens, they will tell you in exacting detail everything you ever did wrong, and how much better they'll be at it, and to that I say "more power to you. If you can do it better then I will be very proud of you."Reply -
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Thu Sep 20, 2012 - 6:24 pm
When I was pregnant, people loved to "warn" me about the downsides of parenthood. The usual stuff - sleep deprivation, potty training, whininess and tantrums, lack of "me" time, etc. But never, not once, did anyone ever warn me about the overwhelming guilt that comes with being parent. The ongoing doubt and second-guessing and self-loathing. And I sure wish someone had.Reply
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