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My shelving unit ain't from Ikea
by Okay, people. I want you to stick your lower lip out ever so slightly, like a tiny pout. That is what the "average" female ponch looks like post child rearing. Now try sticking out that bottom lip all the way down, like you're trying to touch your chin with it. Got it? Right. That's what the "average" female looks like after birthing a multiple pregnancy.
I like to call mine many things, such as:
- • deflated balloon
- • lady sporran
- • wacky sack
- • twin skin
- • or most commonly referred to as my shelf.
I remember being told that there would likely be "excess" skin after the twins were born, but I wasn't expecting there to be so much that it would give Buffalo Bill a hard-on. The doctor told me that it wasn't ever going away without cosmetic surgery either . . . as if these kids aren't expensive enough already, amirite?!
Needless to say, that's out of the question, so I've learned to accept it for the most part.
One of the most unfortunate "victims" from this formation of my custom shelf was my turtle tattoo (that I had done when I was sixteen) which has been horrifically mutilated. Just a short while ago, it just so happens that I was discussing said tattoo with JC (The Animated Woman) over a drink or two in NYC. I had tweaked her curiosity and because she's a freak (in the very best sense of the word), she wanted to see. Well, I've never been one for modesty, so I pulled down the side of my pants and lifted up my shelf (yep, right there in the bar; I'm classy like that) and she squinted in for a closer inspection, "Umm, where's the head?"
Exactly, my friend. Ex-fucking-actly.
So anyways, I have even more recently had some medical issues surrounding my shelf, or rather what was going on underneath it, but I still can't seem to get the doctor to budge on the whole "we'll spring for your tummy tuck" thing. Dammit! Although at least this time around, he is going to remove the twelve skin tags and moles that had suddenly sprung from my body like a group of pubescent boys noticing their teacher's nipples on a cold day. Boing, boing, boing!
Oh, and did I ever mention I also grew a motherfucking HORN at the end of my nose that I had to have surgically removed? Looking back, I simply cannot imagine why my husband didn't want to touch me for the better part of 18 months. Ahem.
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Comments (18)
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Report Thu Apr 18, 2013 - 12:11 pmuse to the avail loss that he results in vs the anti of the picture fitting because of the apple.Reply -
Report Thu Apr 18, 2013 - 12:11 pmI greatly appreciate all the info I've read here.Reply
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Report Thu Apr 18, 2013 - 12:10 pmMy boyfriend says all of the enterprises that run this sort of thing are fixed so you can not win.Reply
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Report Tue Mar 12, 2013 - 11:52 amthanks for sharing,I also give to share an electronic product,I feel pretty good, hope you likeReply
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Sun Oct 14, 2012 - 9:35 pm
The belly tattoos that sweet young things get are ravaged by pregnancy like Haiti in the wake of an earthquake: things just never line up again. The worst are the ones AROUND the belly button. I have seen two women weep over this very issue. Pregnancy is a bitch. Now this is not a medical opinion because I have not researched it, but have you looked into cryotherapy injections? Wonder if they work. EllenReply -
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Fri Oct 5, 2012 - 7:10 pm
Ah, the underbelly, the most unrevered body part for most women. Mine is called pooch and it gets bigger with PMS and if I eat all of the food on my plate. The ever expander. Maybe if we present your tuck as a then-injection into my boobs and butt, we can have it paid for by the Journal of Medicine because it's research!Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by Lady Estrogen on Mon Oct 8, 2012 at 1:13 am
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Report Fri Oct 5, 2012 - 12:33 amPoor turtle...I have a friend who saved and saved for that op, cuz after she lost weight it hung like a drapery. She never looked back.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Lady Estrogen on Fri Oct 5, 2012 at 12:57 am
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Fri Oct 5, 2012 - 12:23 am
A horn? A mutant turtle? (Leonardo was my fav). I had to google sporran. Your shelf should be covered if it is causing you medical issues. We hate your doctor.Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by Lady Estrogen on Fri Oct 5, 2012 at 12:33 am
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Report Thu Oct 4, 2012 - 9:13 pmPoor body. I know this too well. Wtf happened!?Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Lady Estrogen on Thu Oct 4, 2012 at 9:55 pm
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Report Thu Oct 4, 2012 - 9:20 pmI call it my "second stomach" and I wish someone would cut it off.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Lady Estrogen on Thu Oct 4, 2012 at 9:45 pm
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Report Thu Oct 4, 2012 - 6:29 pmThere is a surgery available just to somehow resolved this concern. One can try to consult a surgeon.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Lady Estrogen on Thu Oct 4, 2012 at 6:49 pm
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