In The Powder Room

Oct 18

Witness protection program for boobies

Comments (12) by Kim Bongiorno October 18, 2012 - 6:02 AM

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Buying a bra these days is like entering your breasts into the Witness Protection Program: there's pressure to get a whole new personality.

All I needed was something to hike up the hooters my kids had killed. I had no idea what I was walking into.

Music tinkled through the bright, recycled air of my local department store as I entered the Intimates Section. The plain carpeting bloomed into something dark and floral, trying to woo me with its charms. Before I knew it, I had a see-through bralette flirting with me at eye-level.

I backed away from the naughty, demi-cup, sex-enticing section and headed towards the utility goods. Bras that appeared to simply hold the boobage up where it should be, in a variety of uninspiring flesh tones.

I felt safer there among the full-coverage over-the-shoulder boulder holders. They looked strong yet conservative.

Then I began reading the tags.

Right off the bat, glittery gold letters flickered before me, suggesting I "Be Cool, Feel Cool" in her wares. Cool Melons? No, thank you! There's no way a breezy brassiere would keep traffic from seeing my high beams on chilly evenings. I had to move on.

The next declared to already know my Happy Sacks, personally.  They sidled up to me insisting they were "Your Girls' Best Friend," but no friend of mine-or my mounds'-would be so cruel as to make a single fat sausage out of two lean meat pies. I declared her a frenemy and blocked her from my funbags' Facebook account.

As I wandered the aisles, I felt mesmerized by a racerback bra, which offered me "Seductive Comfort" in her bindings. The last time someone insisted I'd enjoy being tied up, it didn't end well. I slapped Aphrodite's apparel away from my airbags, and dove under the protection of a pile of discounted Granny Panties.

Hiding in the shadows of huge 100% cotton briefs, I caught my breath and gathered my thoughts. All I wanted was to keep my aging breasticles from grazing my navel. I didn't need to change them into naughty knockers in some strappy contraption I'd need a map to navigate. I just wanted my plain old deflated dumplings to be held in a poly-blend hug, preferably while hiding my baby hooks when a breeze passes by.

Crawling out of the jungle of hanging rack sacks, I thought all hope was lost. That's when something plain and soft caught my eye.

Literally.

Some flapdoodle fashionista must have shunned this utilitarian hubcap holder to the bottom rack.

It slipped on without any flash or bling, allowing my Bert and Ernie to be their boring high and dry happy selves again. Which is all my pink puppets ever asked for in the first place. Mammary mission? Accomplished.

by Kim Bongiorno October 18, 2012 - 6:02 AM

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Comments (12)

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• 
  Report Sat Oct 20, 2012 - 4:45 am

  by  Debbie

  Being a card carrying member of IBTC, I wish I had a choice other than the boring white and flesh colored utilitarian slingshots. I yearn for the petty colors and extravagant designs, but alas, bra designers have decided those with boulders and not pebbles are the only ones deserving pretty. 36AA gets bland boring and basic. Thank GOD they don't discriminate with the padding because if they did I'd be blinding the world with my high beam baby hooks.

  Reply Delete
• 1 reply, Last reply by Kim Bongiorno on Sat Dec 1, 2012 at 9:33 pm
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  Report Sat Dec 1, 2012 - 9:33 pm

  by  Kim Bongiorno

  @Debbie: See, I yearn to be able to wear a delicately beautiful bralette, but my empty canons would tear through that sucker and hit the floor. At least you have the no-underwire option!

  Reply Delete
• 
  Report Fri Oct 19, 2012 - 3:43 am

  by  lhewitt

  Thank you. Sorry I cannot relate to this quest, but it sure was fun to read. My only problem with bras - they add "padding" and it is bullshit. 34B no padding, if I wanted them bigger I would have done it long ago.

  Reply Delete
• 1 reply, Last reply by Kim Bongiorno on Fri Oct 19, 2012 at 4:39 pm
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  Report Fri Oct 19, 2012 - 4:39 pm

  by  Kim Bongiorno

  @lhewitt: I don't need padding, but I like a little filler lining to prevent Headlights and to give them a boob-shape. I don't think this is too much to ask!

  Reply Delete
• 
  Report Thu Oct 18, 2012 - 11:11 pm

  by  Synnove @ Don't Chew On The Dinner Table

  Oh gawd... they to totally look like deflated dumplings.... How do you like "half-hearted happy sacks"?

  Reply Delete
• 1 reply, Last reply by Kim Bongiorno on Fri Oct 19, 2012 at 4:38 pm
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  Report Fri Oct 19, 2012 - 4:38 pm

  by  Kim Bongiorno

  @Synnove @ Don't Chew On The Dinner Table: I think I'm in love with you.

  Reply Delete
• 
  Report Thu Oct 18, 2012 - 8:59 pm

  by  Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

  Fantastic Boobie Thesaurus! Ellen

  Reply Delete
• 1 reply, Last reply by Kim Bongiorno on Fri Oct 19, 2012 at 4:38 pm
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  Report Fri Oct 19, 2012 - 4:38 pm

  by  Kim Bongiorno

  @Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms: I do what I can... ("can"...."Cans"...GET IT? hee hee hee...)

  Reply Delete
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  Report Thu Oct 18, 2012 - 7:51 pm

  by  Toni/ Expat Mum

  Even my mother tells me my underwear is boring so I'm with you all the way on this one. Besides, the lacy stuff just shows through your sweaters and t-shirts. Doesn't it?

  Reply Delete
• 1 reply, Last reply by Kim Bongiorno on Fri Oct 19, 2012 at 4:37 pm
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  Report Fri Oct 19, 2012 - 4:37 pm

  by  Kim Bongiorno

  @Toni/ Expat Mum: Lace itches nipples. 'Nuff said.

  Reply Delete
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  Report Thu Oct 18, 2012 - 6:09 pm

  by  Nicole Leigh Shaw

  So many puns. . . swooning. I agree. Too many pretty choices! Not enough functional ones. And man do my ladies need function.

  Reply Delete
• 1 reply, Last reply by Kim Bongiorno on Thu Oct 18, 2012 at 6:21 pm
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  Report Thu Oct 18, 2012 - 6:21 pm

  by  Kim Bongiorno

  @Nicole Leigh Shaw: It's dizzying in there. Every Boulder Holder has an agenda, and not all of them are innocent. *shudders*

  Reply Delete