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Holding onto cool with both hands
If as you read this article you begin the think otherwise just refer to that first line and then continue.
I was in the doctors' waiting room recently, entertaining my child and desperately trying to ignore a set of eyes that were burning deep into my soul. Another mother was so brimming with neediness to unload her parental verbal diarrhea onto me it was seriously uncomfortable.
I was hard. I stood my ground; I interacted with my child and fiddled with my iPhone.
Then suddenly, like a saving grace, a Stepford Wife floated into the room, no doubt straight from ‘Baby Massage,' smothered in Issey Miyake, all Ugg boots and side swept baby hair.
''Oh Elsie has those shoes!'' She squealed at the twitching mother who immediately opened her mouth letting loose her drivel.
I am not sure who was more relieved; I was at least free to play Angry Birds.
I cannot partake in this mindless chatter about night feeds, the latest Cath Kidston change bags and the like. Who decided that the only common bond two mothers have is mothering and this is what will bind us all together? I like who I like, the fact that you have a child is neither here nor there to me.
Please do not get excited about us lining up our Bugaboos outside music groups; it is never going to happen. For a start, I will be at home watching Jeremy Kyle, and ignoring the ironing.
It makes me wonder what these women were like before the baby. Did they randomly strike up conversations with the person in front of them in the queue at Marks and Spencers about the colour of their shoes? No, I doubt they did.
Why do so many women let motherhood take over every aspect of their lives?
Am I naive to think it does not or should not?
I like to think when the child is not physically attached to my leg that I am still me; the girl I always was. Yes, I CAN make play dough from scratch and I know how to remove wax crayon from the kitchen walls but I also know how to down ‘B-52' cocktails with no hands and break some shapes to Jackin House.
I am holding onto my cool with both hands and I will fight to the death before I hand it over to a music group and a conversation about bottle feeds with a woman I have never met before. If I need parenting advice I will ask a friend or search online; if I want a play date I will fix one up with someone I know.
So you have been warned.
For the record, I am not anti the Stepford Mum thing and if it floats your boat then fine, knock your self out with ‘Baby Sign Language' and ‘Hop little Bunnies' - just leave me well out of it; I am trying to sort out a babysitter.
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Comments (49)
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Report Fri Apr 1, 2011 - 2:25 amOk, I'll be the brave one to say that I DID join a baby group and a baby massage class. I had quit my job in the city and was living in the suburbs, surrounded by no one I knew; my family lived hours away and my husband travelled constantly. I was bored and alone, and my one-sided conversations with my little man were getting old - oh, and I had watched about every home improvement show on tv and was banging my head at the daytime soaps. I was out of my element (I had been working 60 hour weeks in the hedge fund industry - i had no idea how to "chill".) I WAS the one that the checkers finally learned not to say "How are you today", as I'd actually answer them, I was so desperate for conversation and human interaction. That said, the women at the play group were pretty divided - some of us had normal chats and ignored those that were in the baby bragging/lecturing category. It took a long time for me to find my mojo again, I"ll be honest ; and just when I was getting my groove back, we moved from the US to the UK and I had to start all over again! I was much better prepared this time, although I'm still struggling to find ME, 5 years later. Oh, and I do love me a latte, but I'm as happy to get one with a girlfriend as I am to make one in my kitchen. We're not all lame...some of us just didn't have the support network to fall back on. I would have loved to be hanging out gossiping over wine vs listening to Mary go on and on about how brill her little Tommy is.Reply -
5 replies, Last reply by Gigi_E on Fri Apr 1, 2011 at 9:27 pm
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Report Fri Apr 1, 2011 - 8:02 pmGah, it's so infuriating when as a new mother, people encourage you to spend time with other mums. Two sets of proven functioning ovaries is not necessarily a basis for a good friendship.Reply
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Report Fri Apr 1, 2011 - 6:32 pmI'm a really sociable person, and I found leaving a lively office behind to be on my own at home really tough. So I DID join groups, or chat to random people (only ones that looked like I might have stuff in common with though). Unless you have a lot of friends who aren't at work during the day, you're pretty stuck if you're someone that enjoys other people's company and a good chat. A woman down my road with twins a similar age to mine went as far as to pop a note through my door asking if I fancied going for a coffee, and she is now one of my closest friends. We rarely talk about babies etc, but we wouldn't have met if we didn't have babies in common.Reply
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2 replies, Last reply by Young Mummy on Fri Apr 1, 2011 at 6:59 pm
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Report Thu Mar 31, 2011 - 8:12 pmI was anti all kinds of baby group (other than Waterbabies because this is technically sport!), I went to a Tiny Talk class and walked out because of all the feeding talk. However when we moved out of the city to where we are now I had no friends locally so I ventured into a toddler group. I have met a few girls who I feel I can now call friends and we are talking about going clubbing. We go to each others houses on a Friday after the kids are in bed and drink lots of wine. So actually in a weird way a toddler/baby group has reignited my social life. Whoop!Reply
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5 replies, Last reply by Gigi_E on Fri Apr 1, 2011 at 3:16 am
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Report Thu Mar 31, 2011 - 1:41 pmThank goodness I have friends like you lady, roll on that boozy night we were talking about ;) xxReply
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2 replies, Last reply by diney on Fri Apr 1, 2011 at 1:08 am
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Report Thu Mar 31, 2011 - 7:57 pmI bloody love this post. I used to sit opposite a woman just like that at work. AT WORK. I had to listen to her 8 hours of every day. She's part of the reason I left!Reply
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2 replies, Last reply by Tara on Fri Apr 1, 2011 at 12:58 am
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Fri Apr 1, 2011 - 12:10 am
Just so happy that I no longer have a tiny person around me in daylight hours (they are all at school) causing mentalists to strike up conversations with me. But it only gets worse when they go to school, the crazy women have had 5 years stewing in their perfect mumsiness and when they hit the school gate, it's nasty. One mother once started telling me how many grams of protein there are in an egg, that's when I started fine-tuning my 'mental mother' radar. I can spot them a mile off now. (Clue: they are often found on the PTA.) Great post!Reply -
Report Thu Mar 31, 2011 - 8:15 pmNow you have me worried about what kind of "drivel" I gushed over you at the Dairylea event ! and the constant touching of your lovely babies head ! oh dear !Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Mumra on Thu Mar 31, 2011 at 9:52 pm
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Report Thu Mar 31, 2011 - 8:29 pmI effing love this post! So glad it's not just me who feels like that, I can't stand those women with their Bugaboos and their Boden cardis and their bloody lattes who seem to have no side to their personality other than as a mother. Good on you girl!Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Mumra on Thu Mar 31, 2011 at 9:48 pm
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Thu Mar 31, 2011 - 12:25 pm
Amen to all of that. Some women seem to lose a part of their brain along with their placenta - like being a 'good mummy' means forgetting life includes anything other than your bundle of joy. Um, no.Reply -
5 replies, Last reply by Gigi_E on Thu Mar 31, 2011 at 7:43 pm
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Thu Mar 31, 2011 - 4:45 pm
So it's YOU that's keeping Jeremy Kyle in gainful? I might have know.....Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by Mumra on Thu Mar 31, 2011 at 5:04 pm
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Report Thu Mar 31, 2011 - 3:01 pmI am with you chum. To be honest I wasn't much of a chatty type before children and I am even less so now that I have them. My children are living proof that they don't die if they are not in bed by 7pm! It's shame we can't live and let live though it divides women. Men just get on with it.Reply
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2 replies, Last reply by A Modern Military Mother on Thu Mar 31, 2011 at 3:23 pm
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Report Thu Mar 31, 2011 - 12:49 pmHaha!!! I love it!!! So true! I must have a face that says "talk kids to me" as all conversations with strangers seem to start "aww, how old is he.....?" I usually reply with "he's 24 but very short for his age" and walk off. I can't be doing with it! I'm so glad I'm not alone! I wish there was a mummy group that supplied alcohol and swearing was compulsory. XReply
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2 replies, Last reply by Gigi_E on Thu Mar 31, 2011 at 2:44 pm
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Report Thu Mar 31, 2011 - 12:26 pmThank god thank god THANK GOD. I am not alone in that sea of crap. That is all. ;)Reply
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3 replies, Last reply by Gigi_E on Thu Mar 31, 2011 at 2:43 pm
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Report Thu Mar 31, 2011 - 11:52 amOh Im so glad Im not the only one, I can just about manage toddler grps butI would rather be in costa coffee or at home chillin.Reply
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3 replies, Last reply by Gigi_E on Thu Mar 31, 2011 at 2:42 pm
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