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The tale of the abandoned panties
Ageing sucks.
Ageing causes women to become incontinent.
I don't mean incontinent, as in having no control over bladder function...ok, maybe I do mean that. But in my defence, I was halfway into my evening run, and it was still too light outside to squat behind a bush unseen by the neighbour folk.
And I had to go really REALLY bad! So it...sort of...came.
But it's alright. It's not like I left a puddle or a trail.
But that only happened once...
...Ok, maybe more than once.
But it doesn't count when I sneeze. It's not the same as, "I have to pee...I'll just pee my pants."
When I sneeze, urine comes shooting out of me. It's not satisfying like having a good pee. It's more of a projectile urination.
I have known for years that there would come a time when I would require feminine hygiene products to keep me feeling clean and fresh for more than just that "time of the month."
My mother entered menopause over 20 years ago, and yet, I still see boxes of panty liners and pads in her bathroom.
When I asked her why she continued to cushion her panties daily with those awkward cardboard cut-outs meant to resemble the shape of a female crotch, she said, "Because when you get older, you leak."
You leak.
Like an old faucet...
This week as I was on route to the movie theatre, I felt a sudden stream of pee in my panties.
Unlike the running incident, this time, I was not purposefully peeing my pants.
The pee was sort of just...well, leaking out of me.
Once I reached my destination, I scurried to the public washroom, where I quickly pulled down my pants.
Nothing but a big wet spot.
And not a spot that could be ignored for the duration of the movie. I could not sit in a pool of my own pee for two hours and enjoy my M&Ms.
So I took my pants off. Removed my panties. Put them in the convenient little box by the toilet. Put my pants back on. And went into the movie theatre "commando."
Today, however, as I was walking into the mall, it happened again.
Unexpected stream of pee.
The leak.
Once again, I headed to the nearest public washroom, pulled down my pants, and inspected the wetness.
Once again, I pulled down my pants, removed my panties, threw them in the convenient metal box beside the toilet, and realized I was quickly becoming the "Where's Waldo" of underwear.
Like it or not, I think it's time to load up on feminine hygiene products; otherwise, my husband, who does the laundry, is going to start wondering whose driving around town with a collection of my panties hanging from their rearview mirror.
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Comments (74)
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Thu Dec 8, 2011 - 2:41 am
As a fellow nurse, and projectile urinator (Love that), my bladder has been displaced by my three pregnancies. I worked in Urology for many years and the surgery doesn't always work. Kegels are ok, if you can ever remember to do them (I can't remember too much these days). What I do find helpful is Every Time you go to pee (in the toilet) stop and start your stream. Over time you will eventually see improvement. Don't be alarmed the first time you try and nothing happens and the pee won't stop, keep trying. Hope this helps!Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by Sandra on Fri Dec 9, 2011 at 10:13 am
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Report Fri Dec 9, 2011 - 5:18 amI'm getting to be that certain age, but my excuse is my bladder hadn't been the same after having my daughter c-section. A lot of things aren't the same after that either, but that's another story. I have better day than others, so I don't have to have to wear a pad everyday. But when I go shopping, to the movies, or out of town, I've found pantie liners are a gals best friend.Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by Sandra on Fri Dec 9, 2011 at 10:11 am
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Report Sat Dec 3, 2011 - 2:40 pmImagine my surprise ... and the evil flash of delight that crossed my face ... as I was confronted by this problem only yesterday when a female colleague (of a certain age) suddenly stopped and squealed "Bug'rit! I think I just pee'd!" After second or two of embarrassed silence (and I could have toasted bread on her face) she sighed "Thank the Lord for knicker liners!"Reply
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3 replies, Last reply by Symdaddy on Tue Dec 6, 2011 at 2:02 pm
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Report Fri Dec 2, 2011 - 5:21 pmAll bow and give thanks to the all absorbing power of the female dribble-catcher! Wait ... what about sex? If you dribble when you cough then presumably .... No! Don't answer that! Eewwwwwwww!Reply
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7 replies, Last reply by Symdaddy on Mon Dec 5, 2011 at 12:33 pm
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Report Sun Dec 4, 2011 - 2:52 am"When I sneeze, urine comes shooting out of me. It's not satisfying like having a good pee. It's more of a projectile urination" Um, yeah. That's been happening to me - a lot - lately! My box is broken!Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Sandra on Mon Dec 5, 2011 at 1:48 am
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Report Sun Dec 4, 2011 - 5:57 amThis is one of the funniest posts I've read from you in a while. Because i can totally see me doing just that. Whip them off and go commando. And hope that I don't have another "leaking" incident before I get home. My mother used to say that my aunt "leaked" and I thought that was ludicrous from a 90 year old woman. I do not look forward to this.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Sandra on Mon Dec 5, 2011 at 1:48 am
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Report Fri Dec 2, 2011 - 9:45 pmBeen there. Done that. Had very painful surgery to fix it. Still leaking. Blerg!Reply
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2 replies, Last reply by sparkling74 on Sun Dec 4, 2011 at 6:06 am
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Report Fri Dec 2, 2011 - 6:11 pmHeed my warning: never play Xbox 360 Kinect games. They require jumping...jumping causes pressure...pressure causes leaking. And, worse still, there is no convenient metal container to put said soggy undies in when you are over at a friends' house. *sigh*Reply
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3 replies, Last reply by sparkling74 on Sun Dec 4, 2011 at 6:04 am
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Report Sat Dec 3, 2011 - 2:38 amI'm not even 30 yet and my doc is already suggesting surgery to put my bladder back where it belongs since apparently having 4 babies in 6 years has wrecked my body...aren't I too young to pee on myself?Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Sandra on Sat Dec 3, 2011 at 9:53 am
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Sat Dec 3, 2011 - 3:10 am
I have done the same thing in bathrooms. Maybe our panties met up somewhere! I didn't have it quite as bad as you though and for some reason when I turned sixty the problem just stopped on its own.Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by Sandra on Sat Dec 3, 2011 at 9:52 am
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Report Sat Dec 3, 2011 - 3:23 amO M G! I have the sneezing thing already, I am NOT looking forward to random leaking! Good luck until you can secure the appropriate feminine hygiene products!Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Sandra on Sat Dec 3, 2011 at 9:51 am
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Report Sat Dec 3, 2011 - 3:57 amTwo words: pregnancy bladder. I go from feeling perfectly fine to penguin-waddling to the bathroom with my thighs clamped shut about five times a day. Which is really embarrassing at work, especially since my office is on the opposite end of my floor from the bathroom. Sigh. On a different note, how the HELL do you get your husband to do laundry? Can I borrow him? Want to trade?Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Sandra on Sat Dec 3, 2011 at 9:51 am
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Sat Dec 3, 2011 - 7:14 am
Okay, here's my hot tip (I know, a hot tip is what got you into this mess in the first place, right? ba-doomp-boomp-ch): every time you are at a red light in traffic, KEGEL. Do it religiously. It will become a pavlovian response. Then you can graduate to the advanced moves: the elevator (slowly squeeze it up and lower it down.) DO NOT ASK ME HOW I KNOW THIS. (Tell you later.)Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by Sandra on Sat Dec 3, 2011 at 9:50 am
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Report Sat Dec 3, 2011 - 7:23 amI don't wanna leak. I just don't wanna! Can I get a plumber to come over and, umm, plug the leak? Just a suggestion. I'm sure my husband wouldn't mind.Reply
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2 replies, Last reply by Sandra on Sat Dec 3, 2011 at 9:49 am
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Report Sat Dec 3, 2011 - 8:35 amI'm laughing because this is a funny story. I'm crying because I know it's going to happen someday to moi.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Sandra on Sat Dec 3, 2011 at 9:48 am
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Report Fri Dec 2, 2011 - 11:37 amSandra, I think it's time for a visit to the gynecologist. When I had a hyestericalectomy years ago, the surgeon shoved my bladder back up where it belonged. It had dropped to where it did not belong during my two pregnancies. And you've had four so your bladder might be in your vagina by now (I know how you love the word vagina). I felt much better after my bladder was shoved back into place. You might want to look into it. Or not. Just a suggestion. Love, LolaReply
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1 reply, Last reply by Sandra on Sat Dec 3, 2011 at 1:12 am
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Report Fri Dec 2, 2011 - 1:08 pmLike Lola, when I had my hysterectomy, they did what they called a "bladder tot". After having 5 monsters claw their way out of my uterus, the had knocked my bladder to where it didn't belong. The tot was relatively painless and 4 days after I had it done, I took all 4 of my boys to their 8 baseball games that Saturday and spent 12 hours at the ball fields. (ok, so pain pills might have helped the situation a bit but...) Good luck with whatever you decide to doReply
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1 reply, Last reply by Sandra on Sat Dec 3, 2011 at 1:11 am
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Report Fri Dec 2, 2011 - 8:01 pmIt's too bad you're not a professional bicycle racer. They gladly pee themselves all day long during a race, without shame. That would have been a good cover. Or you could become a lifeguard...Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Sandra on Sat Dec 3, 2011 at 1:09 am
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Thu Dec 1, 2011 - 5:25 pm
OMG - I am clenching my pelvic floor frantically in fear. Do you know why this happens? Maybe you need a new valve?Reply -
4 replies, Last reply by Sandra on Sat Dec 3, 2011 at 1:08 am
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Fri Dec 2, 2011 - 8:59 pm
I can certainly identify with this, although I don't throw the panties out!Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by Sandra on Sat Dec 3, 2011 at 1:07 am
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Report Fri Dec 2, 2011 - 9:27 pmThis is so depressing and true. I already feel it happening to me and I am 31 and baby-less. I hear it really happens after the babies.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Sandra on Sat Dec 3, 2011 at 1:06 am
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Report Fri Dec 2, 2011 - 10:07 pmI can only imagine this is a huge pain in the butt for you . . . I remember my mom having a procedure done when she was in her forties . . . Urologists make their living from men with prostate issues and women with bladder issues . . . I'd rather be a urologist than a proctologist though! lol Best wishes . . . Ciao!Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Sandra on Sat Dec 3, 2011 at 1:03 am
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Report Fri Dec 2, 2011 - 11:36 pmA friend of my mother's had her uterus and bladder put back in place when she was in her mid-40s. I am not sure if it helped 100%, but it's sure worth asking the Dr. about. You're too young to be having this much of an issue already and to have to live with it the rest of your life sweetie. I had surgery when I was six to stretch my urethra to enable my bladder to empty completely. I am praying to God that surgery doesn't come back to haunt me.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Sandra on Sat Dec 3, 2011 at 1:01 am
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Thu Dec 1, 2011 - 8:21 pm
After birthing the very large headed 11 pounder!, I thought nothing down there was ever going to recover - I confess to taking the toddlers tommy-tippee travel potty everywhere, especially useful for traffic jams! So I got weight training for it! Like a tampon that holds tiny weight bars. - it worked wonders - No more travel potty!Reply -
3 replies, Last reply by Penny on Fri Dec 2, 2011 at 6:12 pm
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Thu Dec 1, 2011 - 11:38 pm
I was speechless the first time I read this. I'm still a little. there's something to be said for 2 emergency caesarians. Certain muscles still intact.Reply -
2 replies, Last reply by Melissa Pierce on Fri Dec 2, 2011 at 11:29 am
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Thu Dec 1, 2011 - 6:25 pm
I'm doing kegals as I write this.......Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by Sandra on Fri Dec 2, 2011 at 10:56 am
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Thu Dec 1, 2011 - 6:39 pm
I'm squezzing as I speak. Aiming to be firing ping pong balls by the time I'm 40. I WILL NOT LET THIS HAPPEN!Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by Sandra on Fri Dec 2, 2011 at 10:55 am
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Report Thu Dec 1, 2011 - 11:20 pmKegel exercises, Sandra! It really helps!Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Sandra on Fri Dec 2, 2011 at 10:53 am
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