Jul 06

Do whatever you want, just don't raise an asshole

Comments (35) by Kim Bongiorno July 06, 2012 - 6:02 AM

As long as youre not raising assholes, I really don't care what you do. Work in an office. Work at home. Volunteer to save the world. Live to serve your kids. Do some combination thereof.

I. Don't. Care.

Do I hope you are happy? Of course. I genuinely wish most people everyone well. But most of all, I wish my kids well. I wish your kids well, too. So do whatever it is you want to do. Just make sure you're not messing up your kids in the process.

Deal with your shit so the rest of us don't have to deal with your kids for you. I accept that I have issues, but I refuse to let them negatively affect my kids. I also accept that good lessons are often not easy to learn or teach.

I can understand why the mom that works outside of the house hates to give her kid a much-deserved Time Out in her precious few hours with him. But if she doesn't, he won't know what's acceptable behavior. He'll become an asshole.

No one will like him. Ever.

I can understand why a stay-at-home-mom would do everything for her kids, picking up every discarded toy, dirty plate in their wake. But if she does this, they will never know responsibility. They will become helpless. They won't be able to succeed at work or relationships when they have to stand on their own two feet.

I can understand why a work-at-home-mom lets her kid get one more snack, one more chance, one more TV show. But if she does this, she's showing him that making others feel guilty is the way to get what you want. He won't accept that No Means No, because she never stuck to her guns. He'll live a life playing games, trying to weasel out the answer he wants. And who can ever trust someone like that?

Every mom has needs for herself and wants for her kids. Sometimes those don't feel well balanced, and so the rationalizing comes in. Well, at least I'm not... 'blah blah blah.' Then comes the finger pointing and name-calling about Who Has It Harder, because its easier to point fingers than to own up to your situation.

You know who I think has it the hardest? The kids who end up losing out because of these totally lame Mommy Wars, and the people who have to deal with these assholes, helpless prats and weasels because their moms had guilt over one thing or another.

So, seriously. Chill out. Deal with your shit. Do whatever you want. Just dont make your kids and the rest of us - pay a price because you felt guilty about it.

by Kim Bongiorno July 06, 2012 - 6:02 AM

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Comments (35)

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  • Report Fri Jul 6, 2012 - 9:28 pm
    by  Mary
    Right on! Couldn't agree more but what do you do if your close friends are raising assholes? Even after you show them a post like this? The thing I hate almost more than the Mommy Wars is that we don't discuss this. No one wants to be judged and no one wants to know they've made mistakes - especially with their kid. Still, love this post. Thank you for saying it so concisely.
    Reply Delete
  • 3 replies, Last reply by Kim at Let Me Start By Saying on Sun Jul 15, 2012 at 10:16 pm
  • Report Fri Jul 6, 2012 - 11:27 pm
    by  Kim at Let Me Start By Saying
    @Mary: I've had friends politely, privately, directly tell me in simple ways when I have made mistakes (or was in the middle of making one). I appreciate their taking the risk of telling me...I deserved to be told. We aren't surrounded by our moms, aunts, grandmas, cousins like in the Old Days. Back then you'd hear what you were doing wrong right away, because it was family (and family is always happy to point out your erroneous ways). So be a good friend and say something - just once - or model the behavior. Or if a kid in YOUR home acts a certain way, kindly let him know "Oh, I'm sorry Jonny, but in our home we have a rule that we don't talk to moms like they are shit/draw on the TV/punch people in the neck and not get in trouble". I have House Rules hanging in in my kitchen. Yes, they got a lot of notice because some of them are ridiculous (like we don't light people on fire or break walls), but the point of the list is to make public notice of how I expect kids to behave in my home. YES, even guests.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Fri Jul 13, 2012 - 4:54 am
    by  Mary
    @Kim at Let Me Start By Saying: Thanks, Kim. I have been modeling the behavior and so has my kid and sometimes I can see that my friend's kid notices. As he gets older and finds himself in various social situations without his mother around he can't get away with what he does at home - including my house. Totally agree with having my House Rules.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Sun Jul 15, 2012 - 10:16 pm
    by  Kim at Let Me Start By Saying
    @Mary: Then you're doing good, girl. So thank you!
    Reply Delete
  • Report Tue Jul 10, 2012 - 8:02 am
    by  Cyndi
    Preach on, sister. And their teachers will thank you, too!
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Kim at Let Me Start By Saying on Fri Jul 13, 2012 at 4:46 am
  • Report Fri Jul 13, 2012 - 4:46 am
    by  Kim at Let Me Start By Saying
    @Cyndi: The last thing I need is a kid whose teachers hate him/her. GAH! Please, no...
    Reply Delete
  • Report Tue Jul 10, 2012 - 5:27 am
    by  Abby Lyn
    Loved this column (and your House Rules). Now that my daughter is out of the babyproofing phase, I'm not scared about whether she'll fall down the stairs or choke on a penny. But now I've moved into what seems like an even scarier phase - how do I make sure she doesn't turn out a Mean Girl? As we can see from the mommy wars, women can be truly vicious to one another. Teaching kindness to others should be as important to us parents as teaching reading.
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Kim at Let Me Start By Saying on Fri Jul 13, 2012 at 4:46 am
  • Report Fri Jul 13, 2012 - 4:46 am
    by  Kim at Let Me Start By Saying
    @Abby Lyn: If I end up with a Mean Girl, I will consider myself as failing as a mom. Then she & I will both need a kick in the ass until we straighten ourselves out.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Sat Jul 7, 2012 - 11:35 pm
    by  Sandra C
    First of all, this is an awesome title! I beeline for the word "Asshole" in any title. Second of all, I couldn't agree more. The mother of my exhusband raised an asshole, and I suspect that I am doing the same with my oldest. I don't want to raise an asshole. This post was the perfect wake-up call....now where is the little asshole so I can get him to scrub his dirty-ass bathroom!
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Kim at Let Me Start By Saying on Mon Jul 9, 2012 at 5:52 am
  • Report Mon Jul 9, 2012 - 5:52 am
    by  Kim at Let Me Start By Saying
    @Sandra C: Yay! I unintentionally suggested you might be raising an asshole, and you didn't take offense. You took ACTION. This is all I ask. When I make mistakes, I hope my friends will tell me. I pinky swear not to get mad. Good luck!
    Reply Delete
  • Report Sat Jul 7, 2012 - 3:37 pm
    by  Fadderly
    Here, here!!! Well said!!! Maybe if we stopped looking for validation by proving others wrong, and just focused on raising our kids to the best of our abilities, no matter what our circumstances are, we'd all be raising better adjusted kids. This whole "mommy wars" thing is just plain stupid...
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Kim at Let Me Start By Saying on Sat Jul 7, 2012 at 5:49 pm
  • Report Sat Jul 7, 2012 - 5:49 pm
    by  Kim at Let Me Start By Saying
    @Fadderly: Honestly, I am not at war with anyone. Sometimes I think people say really stupid stuff just to get notice under the guise of "well this is my Mommy Wars position"...or, I at least hope they're just saying it and aren't actually that cruel to people who have different lifestyles than them.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Sat Jul 7, 2012 - 2:43 pm
    by  The Hope Fairy
    Lest we forget, mothers have been a mix of stay at home, working, or nanny-using for hundreds of years. Back then it was not judged, it was simply an accepted reflection of survival needs or social status. Kids will be kids & will find a way to take advantage of whatever situation they find themselves in. Get over yourselves and tackle the little beasts accordingly. If you haven't got supportive relations nearby in this modern age, then agree with your friends that you can all step in all and discipline any of your joint kids in support of each other.
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Kim at Let Me Start By Saying on Sat Jul 7, 2012 at 5:48 pm
  • Report Sat Jul 7, 2012 - 5:48 pm
    by  Kim at Let Me Start By Saying
    @The Hope Fairy : Exactly. Most of my circle of friends don't have family less than an hour away. We see each others' kids the most, mistakes the clearest, and should be able to kindly give a heads-up when we're doing something stupid. I appreciate being told. Someone's gotta tell me, and I'd rather have it be a friend now then my kids' future spouses/parole officers later.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Sat Jul 7, 2012 - 9:57 am
    by  gina valley
    Well put!
    Reply Delete
  • 2 replies, Last reply by gina valley on Sat Jul 7, 2012 at 5:47 pm
  • Report Sat Jul 7, 2012 - 5:46 pm
    by  Kim at Let Me Start By Saying
    @gina valley: Thanks, Gina! Everything is clearer when you use the word "asshole".
    Reply Delete
  • Report Sat Jul 7, 2012 - 5:47 pm
    by  gina valley
    @Kim at Let Me Start By Saying: TOTALLY!!!496334
    Reply Delete
  • Report Sat Jul 7, 2012 - 2:36 am
    by  Abby
    As you know, I don't have kids and don't have the right to say anything about parenting. (Considering I tried to water a fake plant, be glad kids are not in the picture.) But I do agree 100 percent. I don't care if it's two dads, two moms, one mom, one dad--whatever the parental situation is. All that's important is that they love the child and do whatever is in that kid's best interest. It's going to be different for everyone, and just because it's not how you might do things, that doesn't make it wrong. An asshole's an asshole. We need less assholes.
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Kim at Let Me Start By Saying on Sat Jul 7, 2012 at 3:08 am
  • Report Sat Jul 7, 2012 - 3:08 am
    by  Kim at Let Me Start By Saying
    @Abby: I may make up t-shirts that say this: "We need less assholes"
    Reply Delete
  • Report Sat Jul 7, 2012 - 12:55 am
    by  Justina
    Bottom line . . . people are different and kids are different and situations are different. As we know, what works for one doesn't for another. I've been both a full-time working executive mom and I've been a SAHM so I have both perspectives... so lay off the judging. Kim, you are right - people should parent how they want and what works for their family. Key #1 thing is not to raise a lazy, self-centered jerk. Guess what? This applies to all moms . . . your #1 job is NOT to make your child happy all the time. {GASP} So get over it. Teach them the lessons they need to learn under your loving guidance, however you want to teach them, so that they learn actions have consequences. It you don't, they will learn them the hard way when they are adults. Because real life is not always about being happy and getting everything you want. Disrespect your boss? You get fired. Steal or break someone else's stuff with no regard? You go to jail. Treat people like crap? You have no friends. Bicker and argue and be contentious all the time? Good luck with your marriage. Who cares how you get there? it's the end result that counts.
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Kim at Let Me Start By Saying on Sat Jul 7, 2012 at 3:07 am
  • Report Sat Jul 7, 2012 - 3:07 am
    by  Kim at Let Me Start By Saying
    @Justina: Justina, I think you found a BFF in me. I love every example, I love how you brought the work/criminal/friend subject up in adulthood and your perfect point that our job is NOT to keep our kids happy. It's to make them good people.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Fri Jul 6, 2012 - 11:58 pm
    by  Christy
    I like this. We all need a little perspective. Best thing you can do is find a "Mommy Buddy" someone who is in your same boat, be it WAHM or SAHM, or whatever. You just need a friend who understands what you go through all day and to give you some support. Oh, and hopefully their kid's not an asshat, too.
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Kim at Let Me Start By Saying on Sat Jul 7, 2012 at 3:06 am
  • Report Sat Jul 7, 2012 - 3:06 am
    by  Kim at Let Me Start By Saying
    @Christy: And that Mommy Buddy needs to be able to tell us when we're messing up. We all do. The times I knew when I had good friends was when they pulled me aside to say Cut That Shit Out. Because I then cut that shit out and my kids were better for it.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Fri Jul 6, 2012 - 11:57 pm
    by  Allison @ Motherhood, WTF?
    Yes! Have you noticed that bitchy mommies have bitchy kids? Mommies that spoil have spoiled kids (duh). Disrespectful moms have disrespectful kids. So, not only do we mess up our kids with our own issues, but with our behaviors as well. Mommy wars are for the birds. Let's all just realize that we're in this together. We're all trying to make the next generation of adults. I'd rather, for all of our sakes, that they are not entitled, assy, whiny, helpless jerks who don't say please and thank you.
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Kim at Let Me Start By Saying on Sat Jul 7, 2012 at 3:04 am
  • Report Sat Jul 7, 2012 - 3:04 am
    by  Kim at Let Me Start By Saying
    @Allison @ Motherhood, WTF?: I'm plenty screwed up enough, and have no intentions of making a couple smaller versions of me with my flaws to run around the planet. I wish more people felt the same.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Fri Jul 6, 2012 - 11:57 pm
    by  Naps Happen
    I agree that it's time we stopped critiquing people for their parenting philosophies and just depending on our common sense to gauge whether or not we're raising good people!
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Kim at Let Me Start By Saying on Sat Jul 7, 2012 at 3:02 am
  • Report Sat Jul 7, 2012 - 3:02 am
    by  Kim at Let Me Start By Saying
    @Naps Happen: Ahhh..yes...this would be good if more people had Common Sense. I vote that we give each friend one free pass to tell us when we're messing up, without repercussions.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Fri Jul 6, 2012 - 11:17 pm
    by  lhewitt
    Exactly!
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Kim at Let Me Start By Saying on Fri Jul 6, 2012 at 11:44 pm
  • Report Fri Jul 6, 2012 - 11:44 pm
    by  Kim at Let Me Start By Saying
    @lhewitt: Thank you!
    Reply Delete
  • Report Fri Jul 6, 2012 - 11:37 pm
    by  Leah
    Well said, Kim, as always. The "mommy wars" crap just annoys the hell out of me. Put your big girl panties on with your combat boots and be a damn adult. Don't worry about what everyone else is doing, just do your own shit and do it the best way you know how. We have house rules too and I expect all the kids who come in here to live by them. I don't care how it is at your house, this is our house and we have the rules for a reason. I'm not an asshole about it, but I will tell them - firmly but politely - the rules and that they need to follow them if they are going to be here. I also expect my kids to follow the rules at the homes they visit. And I'd better not find out they did otherwise... :-)
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Kim at Let Me Start By Saying on Fri Jul 6, 2012 at 11:44 pm
  • Report Fri Jul 6, 2012 - 11:44 pm
    by  Kim at Let Me Start By Saying
    @Leah: My kids are angels in other peoples' houses...or we come home. That's it. I won't be mean to them, but I would rather they think I'm being mean then allow them to disrespect someone else's home. I've had to leave playdates that I was looking forward to, or miss out on things I wanted to do, because I had to make a point to my kids. It sucks, but that's kind of part of the deal.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Fri Jul 6, 2012 - 11:34 pm
    by  Kristen
    YES!!! I'm with you: I don't CARE where or how or if a Mom works, as long as she's doing what is best for her family and as long as her kids aren't suffering from it! And for heaven's sake, ladies, tell your kids NO once in a while...it won't kill them or you and it will save them a rude awakening when they get to school and real life!
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Kim at Let Me Start By Saying on Fri Jul 6, 2012 at 11:42 pm
  • Report Fri Jul 6, 2012 - 11:42 pm
    by  Kim at Let Me Start By Saying
    @Kristen: Or say no and MEAN no and deal with the fact that it sucks to say no but it's better for both of you in the long run. This ain't a party, it's parenthood. If it was always fun, it's be called an orgasm.
    Reply Delete
  • Report Fri Jul 6, 2012 - 9:13 pm
    by  JohnoMori
    True, true, true. Kids are shrewd and once they learn how to manipulate to get what they want, it turns into a lifetime of behavior and lots dysfunctional adults.
    Reply Delete
  • 1 reply, Last reply by Kim at Let Me Start By Saying on Fri Jul 6, 2012 at 11:24 pm
  • Report Fri Jul 6, 2012 - 11:24 pm
    by  Kim at Let Me Start By Saying
    @JohnoMori: We show kids what is acceptable behavior. If we let them treat us like we're the asshole, they will continue treating other people like that their whole lives. NO, THANK YOU. I can't understand why more people don't understand what they're doing when they allow this in their home.
    Reply Delete

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