In The Powder Room

Aug 22

Our daughters are small but mighty

Comments (8) by Lerner August 22, 2012 - 6:01 AM

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My daughter is very small for her age (almost 4) and she's freaking adorable. So the two things people say to her, or about her in her presence, most often are: 1. She's so tiny! 2. She's so cute!

Of course I love that people feel compelled to compliment my daughter. Of course I think she's totally cute, but a big part of me cringes inside every single time she hears those particular phrases. And it happens over and over and over.

To balance it out, I always say she's small but mighty, and when she hears that she's cute I follow it up with, "and she's so smart." I don't want her appearance to become her identity. She is genuinely mighty and she is wicked smart; there is more to her than her appearance...far more.

Last week, someone commented on her stature when she was about a foot away and, for the first time, she spun on her heels with a huge smile and said, "I'm small, but mighty." And then my heart grew to twice its usual size. If I can do one thing as her mother, helping her to internalize the magnitude of her mightiness might be the best.

I recently saw a trailer for a movie called Miss Representation about how we are represented as women in the media, in our own lives, and how grossly under-represented we are in politics.

I know I will get my pink liberal feminist membership card taken away for saying this, but most of the commentary on social attitudes and political representation at large didn't really speak to me. I'm not entirely sure why, because it seems like something I should get my panties in a twist about.

Mostly, I think it's because I can't change the entire world, or even the structure of the American government. Sure, I can vote my conscience but I think that casting a vote just because someone's got tits is a very irresponsible if not completely dangerous way to approach the ballot.

So, what can I do?

I can teach my daughter that she is small but mighty, and wicked smart. If I want more women in power then I can raise an empowered woman. That's the only way I know to affect real change in the landscape of womanhood.

By a random roll of the genetic dice, I've been entrusted with the grooming of one single member of the next generation of women. How I handle that responsibility-what grace, strength, wit, critical thinking, love and integrity I help her to foster within herself-is the only true way I know to further a feminist agenda.

Are you the mother of a daughter, or even the daughter of a mother? Do you think that generational change is the route to real change, or does it move too ​slowly? How do we help our daughters have more than we've had?

by Lerner August 22, 2012 - 6:01 AM

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  Report Mon Aug 27, 2012 - 7:26 am

  by  Kim at Let Me Start By Saying

  My daughter is also petite and adorable. I, too, try to temper how so many people focus on her being small (especially in comparison to me, since I am tall) and how gorgeous her eyes are, with how smart she is and what a great dancer.

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  Report Fri Aug 24, 2012 - 10:26 am

  by  Beth

  Your first three paragraphs, like usual, are like words out of my own mouth. Complements are nice but even better when they are about something you can do not just what you were lucky enough to be born with!

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  Report Thu Aug 23, 2012 - 9:47 am

  by  Janie Emaus

  My granddaughter is 9, almost 10 and she is very tiny. In fact, in her own words she gets mistaken for a second grader all the time. But she's wicked smart and has a huge personality. And I agree with you. It's up to her mom (and me) to help her become a strong, independent woman. Great post.

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• 1 reply, Last reply by Lerner on Thu Aug 23, 2012 at 8:31 pm
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  Report Thu Aug 23, 2012 - 8:31 pm

  by  Lerner

  @Janie Emaus: Thanks!! It's tough knowing how best to help her succeed. But helping her know her own strength ain't a bad start I guess :).

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  Report Thu Aug 23, 2012 - 12:21 am

  by  The Bearded Iris

  I LOVE that your daughter has that comeback ingrained in her brain and heart now. She sounds like a great kid! (With a great mom!) And I'm with you...raising bright and empowered kids is the best way I know how to change the world too.

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• 1 reply, Last reply by Lerner on Thu Aug 23, 2012 at 2:43 am
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  Report Thu Aug 23, 2012 - 2:43 am

  by  Lerner

  @The Bearded Iris: When she said it, everyone smiled huge, and almost laughed... I may or may not have teared up. I can't say for sure ;)

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  Report Thu Aug 23, 2012 - 12:38 am

  by  lhewitt

  Hey Lerner, Your daughter is mighty and so are you. (...though she be but little, she is fierce... W.S.)

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• 1 reply, Last reply by Lerner on Thu Aug 23, 2012 at 2:42 am
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  Report Thu Aug 23, 2012 - 2:42 am

  by  Lerner

  @lhewitt: She is totally fierce!!! :) Thanks

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