Oct 24
 |
The "F" word
When I saw The Bearded Iris's post at Girl Body Pride, "Evicting The Mean Girls From My Head," I cheered and did what all good women do-I forwarded it to everyone in my address book. Chalk one up for women everywhere! I felt so united and liberated and offered to burn my bra! (No takers.)
Then.
My friend sent me a photo from our women's soccer league. It took me several seconds to realize that the apelike figure wearing my husband's XL gym clothes was ME. When it hit, it hit like a freaking Mack truck.
I felt nauseous and horrified. Tears might have been shed.
When I admitted to my friends how I felt upon seeing the photo, they were baffled. They had questions.
Did I remember that I had posted a picture of myself with a maxi pad on my face?
Did I remember that I posted a vlog of myself gagging on kale?
Did I remember that I posted my most embarrassing moments?
I had no answers. How could I take such joy in sharing those moments but a blurry, apelike picture could put me in a corner, rocking and sucking my thumb?
Even when my friend put on her husband's clothes to demonstrate how it had to be the clothes, I still made her sign an "I Vow To Destroy All Evidence Of This Photo" waiver.
What gives? I obsessed over this photo for days. I nodded and smiled while making small talk on the playground, but my brain kept flashing the ape photo.
I had a big ole piece of humble pie waiting for me.
What made this photo different from the others?
I looked FAT.
I am a flaming feminist who cringes when I hear women judge themselves by the number on the scale. I am the first person to put others in check if they make comments about women's bodies. I have been so conscientious about providing positive images of women to my own children.
Yet, here I was.
Feminist card revoked.
Realizing that the "F" word ("F for "Fat," not feminist) was at the heart of my freak out, I began to question myself. Holy cow, am I a closet chauvinist? Am I a hater of women? What if I start listening to Rush Limbaugh?
You know what shut "the mean girls in my head" the fuck up?
I read a goodnight book to my girls. As I read to them with great dramatics, I saw their faces imitating each grimace and smile that my own face made.
This is how it works: they will hang on my every word, every expression, and every action. They. Will. Imitate. Me. And I simply refuse to role model self-loathing for my girls.
The "F" word stops here.
Products You May Also Like
-
$22.00View Details
-
$96.99View Details
-
$30.00View Details
-
$52.78View Details
Comments (41)
-
Report Fri Oct 26, 2012 - 2:16 amI read this piece to be about the fear of passing on self loathing to your daughters. I suggested that if your self loathing was a reaction to feeling fat then rather than try to hide the self loathing from your daughters, you could tackle the problem at source, ie, tackle the fat. Now, I accept there are medical reasons for being overweight and that people suffer from body issues that are psychological, but these things are at the margins. If we are honest about it, we are overweight because we eat too much and don't exercise enough and don't see it as importan to address those bad habits. I honestly do not see how anyone can say I am judging them by saying this. Ask your GP, she will concure with me. Being overweight is not just a matter of aesthetics; diabetes, heart disease, strokes, to name but a few consequences that result. Perhaps feeling awful when you see ourself as fat is a healthy response, a warning to do something to help your health? Why should the dictates of feminism determine that not caring what you weigh is 'good?' Living a healthy life physically, spiritually and emotionally, and passing that on to our daughters is all about making the right choices and not about making the wrong choices and trying to hide from their consequences.Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by Erin on Fri Oct 26, 2012 at 10:55 am
-
Report Thu Oct 25, 2012 - 3:56 amI've always been a "Big|" girl. I couldn't pay a guy to go out with me when I was a teenager. Married the 1st guy who said "I love you|" not noticing that he was a totally loser. Now at 50 and have been married to my 2nd husband for 22 yrs, I'm happy with my body. My husband is crazy for this body and when I dress up my sons and man can't stop telling me how gorgeous I look. LOVE YOUR BODY, LAUGH AT THE UGH PICS AND MAKE SURE YOUR GIRLS KNOW THAT WHATEVER THEY DO THEY ARE BEAUTIFUL AND YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL TOO!!Reply
-
1 reply, Last reply by HouseTalkN on Thu Oct 25, 2012 at 8:22 am
-
Report Thu Oct 25, 2012 - 5:25 amI must say...I know Kerry personally, and she is very fit, beautiful, stylish, amazing and NOT FAT. I am fat, and, yes, I know what to do about it. However, it has not been my first priority in my life and many others have taken precedent...with the obvious consequences. (More Fat! It just happens to be one of my many weaknesses. Wine and cheese, mmmmm.) I just want to say, Kerry, I hear you. I understand the photo vs. reality. I also understand what it feels like to not fit into my husband's over-sized t-shirt. (Because it is too small!! And, yes, I am laughing about it. With all the damn fat on me.) Anyway, thanks for sharing this. Ahhh, every time I am seeing FB pictures of an event I was at, I cringe at the possibility of being in one. My husband and kids are so sweet. We talk about the fact that I am fat, and they love me and like me how I am. Some day I may, too, but if I have to wait for my new heavenly body, then so be it. My life is blessed, AND, I use the F word because for me, it is true. Speaking the truth helps me cope. The F word can be factual or subjective. I don't believe using the F word is wrong, just undervaluing oneself due to the fact of F. It is just one of many issues and/or weaknesses we face, not bad or good necessarily, just more obvious ;)Reply
-
1 reply, Last reply by HouseTalkN on Thu Oct 25, 2012 at 8:21 am
-
Report Wed Oct 24, 2012 - 6:13 pmYou know what woke me up. I said for the thousandth time the other day...."I'm so fat" along with other disparaging comments about myself. My 22 year old looked at me and said, "Mom, everyone says I look just like you. It is like you are insulting me every time you tear yourself down. I am now obsessing about all of the body parts you say you hate." She is tiny and obsessed with her weight. I am the reason. I wish I could take it back. It isn't too late for us. We are tackling our negative self esteems together and you have the time to make much more correction than I did. Sorry for how the photo felt but glad it inspired more change. Love, RebeccaReply
-
1 reply, Last reply by HouseTalkN on Thu Oct 25, 2012 at 3:17 am
-
Report Wed Oct 24, 2012 - 6:16 pmBRAVO Kerri!! I am sooo guilty of not being a great role model for my girls in the arena of self loathing... so THANK YOU for the reminder that it's really not about ME... it's about my childrens' perspective of themselves (and of me) that matter MORE! Love ya girl... and for the record... you are, by no means, an ape! You are stunningly beautiful in every way! xoReply
-
3 replies, Last reply by HouseTalkN on Thu Oct 25, 2012 at 3:16 am
-
Report
Wed Oct 24, 2012 - 6:32 pm
I don't see my self-loathing body image as a feminist issue. I never, ever, ever say anything disparaging about my looks (or anyone else's) in front of my children. But the truth is, I hate the way I look. I especially hate the way I look in pictures. I feel like everyone is equally free to hate the way they look in pictures. Men, women, cats, dogs... we all can equally hate the way an oversized man's t-shirt makes us look. This isn't anti-woman, it's anti-oversized men's t-shirts.Reply -
2 replies, Last reply by HouseTalkN on Thu Oct 25, 2012 at 2:18 am
-
Report Wed Oct 24, 2012 - 10:32 pmThank you for the reminder that we all need at times. I saw someone on some TV show recently explain that there is a reason many of us tend to hate to see pictures of ourselves but don't have the same reaction when seeing ourselves in the mirror--and of course, I don't remember exactly what the reason is. Something about the transposition of the right and left sides of our face. The point I'm trying to make is that it is a very common experience for many people to hate pictures of themselves and I'm certainly one of those people. There are so few pictures of me that my great-greats are going to think I was just a myth! Something that I need to work on.Reply
-
1 reply, Last reply by HouseTalkN on Thu Oct 25, 2012 at 2:16 am
-
Report Thu Oct 25, 2012 - 12:20 amI love you! I know what I see in the mirror and in pictures isn't what other people see. How could it be? It changes by the minute, with my mood, or whether or not I feel guilty about what I just ate, or any other number of factors, and I know my body doesn't change that quickly in reality. But what I do know is that my children see me, and they see my reactions to my own body image. They love me, flaws and all. I'd better get started, too. :)Reply
-
1 reply, Last reply by HouseTalkN on Thu Oct 25, 2012 at 2:15 am
-
Report Wed Oct 24, 2012 - 3:03 pmI am not sure that this is allowed here, but can I suggest an alternative attitude? Perhaps being overweight is not a matter of feminism. If you are fat (and if you are you know you are) then you react negatively to that fact not because you are programmed by a misoginist society to do so, but because you hate ourself for being fat and for all that says about you. I doubt that you can fake it with your children. They will see you hate yourself for being fat and will be influenced by that fact. An alternative would be to lose weight. Not because you are forced into it by societies norms but because you want to feel and look good. In my mind we make this complicated because we don't want to do the simple thing that is difficult, ie, stop eating all that we please and exercise more. I am not making any judgements, but if you hate what you see, you are free to do something about it. . .Reply
-
7 replies, Last reply by Sandy on Thu Oct 25, 2012 at 2:13 am
-
Report
Thu Oct 25, 2012 - 12:51 am
Hey Kerry, I don't know what the hell is wrong with you and that damn picture. I follow your blog, so I keep up with your shenanigans and this is not at all like you. You are just being too hard on yourself. Throw the picture away. Dance. It. Off. Girl.Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by HouseTalkN on Thu Oct 25, 2012 at 2:07 am
-
Report
Wed Oct 24, 2012 - 6:37 pm
A lot of my problems with my mother stem from her self-esteem being shit. I look so much like her, and yet she always insisted no was ugly (uh...thanks mom?), unattractively tall (I'm much taller than her, so...thanks again?), fat (nope!), embarrassingly pale (sorry, can't see over my own blinding whiteness), and so on and so on. I applaud the fact that you could face the fact that it's bad to let your kids see you believing you are something negative. You are without a doubt smart, lovely, beautiful, and kind. It's okay to have a flaw that you need to work on. it's good for our kids to see that. I wish I saw my mom working to think more of herself. She just gave up the fight. No daughter should have to see her mom give up that fight.Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by HouseTalkN on Wed Oct 24, 2012 at 7:48 pm
-
Report
Wed Oct 24, 2012 - 6:54 pm
You are so right. Our children do as we do. When my very thin daughter complains that she is Fat, it irks me. Because I see my granddaughter starting to think the same way. And she's very tiny, with not one once of fat on her bones. You don't want to put those kind of thoughts into a young girl's head.Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by HouseTalkN on Wed Oct 24, 2012 at 7:44 pm
-
Report Wed Oct 24, 2012 - 7:05 pmI know,...what is wrong with us? Why in the world will we not offer the compassion to ourselves that we happily and freely give to others. Why did that photo bother you so much? I ask that question from a sister point of view because I have felt that too. Check out an unflattering photo (intentionally unflattering doesn't count) and it's like someone slapped you in the face? Why? I know in my head that my appearance does not comprise my whole but it still bothers me and I am also a normal healthy weight. Makes me shake my head. I love how you recognized your role in your daughters' lives and how that is inspiring you to change. Great post.Reply
-
1 reply, Last reply by HouseTalkN on Wed Oct 24, 2012 at 7:43 pm
-
Report Wed Oct 24, 2012 - 7:08 pmWow. I have known the author of this piece for the last 23 years.....and the only time she ever looked like an ape involved a trip to DC and a misguided sense of style that had her thinking bib overalls were appropriate for a very pregnant person. K - yep, I've got photographic evidence! :) I have lots of daughters - little ones and big ones. What they see in me is a mom who loves to cook and loves food. They know my jeans don't fit and I that I wish they did. They are also my biggest cheerleaders at the finish line of the half marathon I do each year. I'm proud to be teaching them that sometimes you get to a place where you arent so happy with yourself (for any number of reasons, not just weight) but that we can do something about it.Reply
-
1 reply, Last reply by HouseTalkN on Wed Oct 24, 2012 at 7:40 pm
-
Report Wed Oct 24, 2012 - 7:09 pmI feel your pain and frustration!! I'll look at myself in a picture and see flabby arms or chunky legs and only focus on that part of me. So what if my BMI is healthy. So what if people say I'm 'skinny'. To me, I like flabby and pudgy. My kids are skinny, healthy kids. But when I hear them complaining about how they look, it drives me bananas. Sure, the commenter Rachel below has an easy suggestion. Just eat less and exercise more. Brilliant! Why didn't I think of that? Oh wait. I eat 1200-1500 calories a day and exercise 4 days a week. How much more would you like me to obsess over calories and exercise? Again, is that not good enough? We focus on our flaws when we should focus on our gifts. And reading a bedtime story to your girls and they hang on every word- is a gift!Reply
-
1 reply, Last reply by HouseTalkN on Wed Oct 24, 2012 at 7:39 pm
-
Report Wed Oct 24, 2012 - 7:23 pm"This is how it works: they will hang on my every word, every expression, and every action. They. Will. Imitate. Me. And I simply refuse to role model self-loathing for my girls." Fabulous. Perfect! I am not in a happy place with my body right now but I don't berate myself in front of my girls. My girls hear and observe everything I do and say - I know this - and thanks for the reminder!Reply
-
1 reply, Last reply by HouseTalkN on Wed Oct 24, 2012 at 7:33 pm
Enter the word as it appears in the box.