In The Powder Room

Oct 17

Top things NOT to say during a mammogram

Comments (16) by HouseTalkN October 17, 2012 - 6:02 AM

• Share
• Tweet

Last week, I got my first mammogram.

As I do with all things, big or small, I obsessed and fretted and blew the situation way out of proportion.

To distract myself from the real concerns, I focused all of my energy on my "big mouth" problem.

I have a long history of blurting out inappropriate statements in times of stress.

You might remember that I am the "Queen of Embarrassing Moments." You might recall that I once offered to breastfeed an esteemed colleague.

I also worried that I might be an overachieving, competitive mammogrammee. I am a people pleaser. I absolutely want to impress and bedazzle the boobologist with my skill.

"Is this ok?"

"Can I try, again? I can do better!"

"Would you like me to push the button for you?"

"I bet I could do reps of 20 mammograms in under 5 minutes. Time me!"

"Am I in the top 5 category of folks you've smooshed?"

My mother taught me all of the things to say and do in public settings. I knew to say "please" and "thank you." I knew to wear clean underwear.

My mother would have had a much easier time raising me had she included lists of what NOT to do.

I've learned from my mother's mistakes and I often make lists for my own family on what NOT to do. You know, things like "Do NOT use the communion rail at church as a balance beam" and "Do NOT drink out of Mommy's special glass."

Taking control of the situation, I made a "What NOT To Say During A Mammogram" list:

1. That isn't my breast. You are mammogramming my flesh belt, honey.
2. Can I smoke in here?
3. Come here often?
4. If you hurt me, I'ma gonna hurt you.
5. My husband gets friskier than that.
6. Will you take my picture?
7. I can't reach my wine glass.
8. Stop interrupting my phone calls.
9. Got milk?
10. Wow, that feels great.
11. Thanks so much. You're the breast.

I am donating my Bloggin' For Boobs earnings from In The Powder Room this week to The International Breast Milk Project. 

by HouseTalkN October 17, 2012 - 6:02 AM

• Share
• Tweet

Comments (16)

Name:

Email:

Website URL:

Your Comment:

Enter the word as it appears in the box.

Submit Comment Cancel

Posted at Submit  |  Back to Editing Report Abuse

• 
  Report Fri Oct 19, 2012 - 2:45 am

  by  Deborah Wbite

  I always liked the sign at my old mammogram place: We Compress Because We Care.

  Reply Delete
• 
  Report Thu Oct 18, 2012 - 10:30 pm

  by  JCW

  how about "oooh, squeeze a little harder..yeah Iike that!"

  Reply Delete
• 
  Report Thu Oct 18, 2012 - 3:14 am

  by  Karen

  Too funny...I too have no filter & speak incessantly when nervous...bad combination. Makes me feel good to know that I'm not alone...ha Love your blog!!!

  Reply Delete
• 1 reply, Last reply by HouseTalkN on Thu Oct 18, 2012 at 8:16 am
• 
  Report Thu Oct 18, 2012 - 8:16 am

  by  HouseTalkN

  @Karen: I have the "no filter" affliction as well! Thanks, Karen!

  Reply Delete
• 
  Report Thu Oct 18, 2012 - 3:26 am

  by  lhewitt

  That nurse is clearly high, or you were her patient and she is peeing in her pants laughing. Thanks for donating, you're the breast.

  Reply Delete
• 1 reply, Last reply by HouseTalkN on Thu Oct 18, 2012 at 8:16 am
• 
  Report Thu Oct 18, 2012 - 8:16 am

  by  HouseTalkN

  @lhewitt: Aah, you're the breast!

  Reply Delete
• 
  Report Wed Oct 17, 2012 - 1:16 pm

  by  Fiona

  Great post! I do this too - speak when speaking isn't necessary and when I do speak it's always THE WRONG thing! The nurse in this photo looks like she's nervously saying 'is it cold in here or are you always this erect?"

  Reply Delete
• 1 reply, Last reply by HouseTalkN on Thu Oct 18, 2012 at 3:05 am
• 
  Report Thu Oct 18, 2012 - 3:05 am

  by  HouseTalkN

  @Fiona: I am a talk, talk, talker. Talked all the way through my mammogram! Thanks, Fiona!

  Reply Delete
• 
  Report Wed Oct 17, 2012 - 11:49 am

  by  Wendy

  Cracking up! And P.S. the photo in this post? F'ing ridiculous. Who smiles during a mammogram? The nurse looks like she's saying "I'm gonna hurt you and I'm going to enjoy it!"

  Reply Delete
• 3 replies, Last reply by HouseTalkN on Thu Oct 18, 2012 at 3:04 am
• 
  Report Wed Oct 17, 2012 - 4:37 pm

  by  The Bearded Iris

  @Wendy: Bwahaha! She could be like the masochistic dentist in Little Shop of Horrors...the nurse who lived to squish boobs. I actually picked that photo because I imagined the nurse doing HouseTalkN's mammogram would be laughing so hard at all her jokes. (I know I would!) But you're right...Nurse Nutty does look a little maniacal.

  Reply Delete
• 
  Report Wed Oct 17, 2012 - 6:24 pm

  by  HouseTalkN

  @Wendy: I must admit that I was laughing and talking through the entire process. I kept saying "THAT'S IT??" Thanks, Wendy!

  Reply Delete
• 
  Report Thu Oct 18, 2012 - 3:04 am

  by  HouseTalkN

  @Wendy: HAHAHA! She's laughing " Get a look at these sock puppets!"

  Reply Delete
• 
  Report Wed Oct 17, 2012 - 9:53 pm

  by  Janie Emaus

  I always end up engaging the technician in a conversation about the size of boobs, and which ones they prefer.

  Reply Delete
• 1 reply, Last reply by HouseTalkN on Thu Oct 18, 2012 at 3:02 am
• 
  Report Thu Oct 18, 2012 - 3:02 am

  by  HouseTalkN

  @Janie Emaus: When I went into labor with my 1st, the midwife said I would know when to come in because I wouldn't be able to talk through a contraction. Uh...wrong.

  Reply Delete
• 
  Report Thu Oct 18, 2012 - 1:00 am

  by  Dyanne

  What I said at a mammogram? "I never thought it would come to this, that I would have to PICK UP my boobie to lay it on a slab."

  Reply Delete
• 1 reply, Last reply by HouseTalkN on Thu Oct 18, 2012 at 3:01 am
• 
  Report Thu Oct 18, 2012 - 3:01 am

  by  HouseTalkN

  @Dyanne: Lift those puppies up, huh? Thanks for the giggle, Dyanne!

  Reply Delete