Top things NOT to say during a mammogram
Last week, I got my first mammogram.
As I do with all things, big or small, I obsessed and fretted and blew the situation way out of proportion.
To distract myself from the real concerns, I focused all of my energy on my "big mouth" problem.
I have a long history of blurting out inappropriate statements in times of stress.
I also worried that I might be an overachieving, competitive mammogrammee. I am a people pleaser. I absolutely want to impress and bedazzle the boobologist with my skill.
"Is this ok?"
"Can I try, again? I can do better!"
"Would you like me to push the button for you?"
"I bet I could do reps of 20 mammograms in under 5 minutes. Time me!"
"Am I in the top 5 category of folks you've smooshed?"
My mother taught me all of the things to say and do in public settings. I knew to say "please" and "thank you." I knew to wear clean underwear.
My mother would have had a much easier time raising me had she included lists of what NOT to do.
I've learned from my mother's mistakes and I often make lists for my own family on what NOT to do. You know, things like "Do NOT use the communion rail at church as a balance beam" and "Do NOT drink out of Mommy's special glass."
Taking control of the situation, I made a "What NOT To Say During A Mammogram" list:
- That isn't my breast. You are mammogramming my flesh belt, honey.
- Can I smoke in here?
- Come here often?
- If you hurt me, I'ma gonna hurt you.
- My husband gets friskier than that.
- Will you take my picture?
- I can't reach my wine glass.
- Stop interrupting my phone calls.
- Got milk?
- Wow, that feels great.
- Thanks so much. You're the breast.
I am donating my Bloggin' For Boobs earnings from In The Powder Room this week to The International Breast Milk Project.