In The Powder Room

Oct 31

When you're a whore for Halloween

Comments (12) by Kim Bongiorno October 31, 2012 - 6:01 AM

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Each year I allow my kids to decide my Halloween costume.

Luckily I enjoy dressing up and don't mind making a public ass spectacle of myself.

This year my kids are 5 & 7 years old. Gone are the days of begging me to be a Pretty Pretty Princess. Most of their ideas so far have been combinations, like Zombie/SpongeBob or Ghost/Puppy.

Now that the costume catalogues are flooding our mailbox, their creativity is taking a backseat to the actual selection available in stores. Which sucks, because most of the ones for women are a wee bit too short and snug for someone of my stature and age.

And by "short and snug" I mean "would you like to rent our mom by the hour?"

Halloween costumes for grown women are not simply "Witch" or "Cat." Oooohhhhh no. Women's Right to Bear Clothes does not apply to this holiday. You're a Witch Wench or Kitty Call Girl.

These sexified costumes hang in tiny plastic baggies labeled with busty nineteen-year-olds modeling the scraps of clingy fabric on each SuperSlutGirl and Streetwalking Swashbuckler options.

Snow White vamps it up in a muff-sweeping miniskirt and Fairies are floozies.

A Nympho Nurse's tiny white bustier makes room for the tarted-up Teal Blue Crayon costume, complete with "Crayola" tramp stamp and paper pasties.

Even Winnie the Pooh skips the honey and goes for the money in a see-through red camisole and slutty skirt trimmed in faux golden fur.

If I wanted to dress like a whore on a chilly night, I'd do it in the confines of my bedroom and only allow my husband as witness.

Hopefully these costume catalogues full of courtesan attire get lost in the shuffle of coloring books, Target receipts, and discarded homework on our kitchen table, increasing the chances that I won't have to shave my legs this October 31st.

If not, then I'll open my Halloween Emergency Kit of a long black cape and fresh pair of fangs to cover up my assets and scare the neighborhood boys away from whatever trollop get-up my kids decide on.

Happy Halloween!

by Kim Bongiorno October 31, 2012 - 6:01 AM

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Comments (12)

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  Report Tue Nov 6, 2012 - 10:51 pm

  by  Vicky

  Growing up here in Mass, as you said, we have to layer, because inevitably it's going to be cold on Halloween night. I think you should make up a new rule for the kids in choosing your Halloween costume. It has to be home made and they are not allowed to get ideas from catalogs, lol.

  Reply Delete
• 1 reply, Last reply by Kim Bongiorno on Wed Nov 7, 2012 at 12:13 am
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  Report Wed Nov 7, 2012 - 12:13 am

  by  Kim Bongiorno

  @Vicky: And it has to include a puffy coat and thick pants. But other than that? They are free to choose. (and gloves)

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  Report Tue Nov 6, 2012 - 9:17 pm

  by  The Sadder But Wiser Girl

  It seems that every year the adult costumes get a little shorter and sluttier. I'm 38 years old with a muffin top and cellulite. Noone wants to see that! If I REALLY wanted to be a slut, I saw a costume somewhere that was a bit more appropriate for a mom like me-ghost slut. A white sheet with a bikini top over it. Much better...

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• 1 reply, Last reply by Kim Bongiorno on Wed Nov 7, 2012 at 12:12 am
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  Report Wed Nov 7, 2012 - 12:12 am

  by  Kim Bongiorno

  @The Sadder But Wiser Girl: Maybe if Halloween was mid-July I'd be more tempted to be slutty...nah, nope. Not even then. Bring on the sheet!

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  Report Wed Oct 31, 2012 - 6:37 pm

  by  HouseTalkN

  I'm baffled by the Halloween Whore. I mean, who wants to relive the whore days? Oh, wait...

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• 1 reply, Last reply by Kim Bongiorno on Tue Nov 6, 2012 at 8:06 pm
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  Report Tue Nov 6, 2012 - 8:06 pm

  by  Kim Bongiorno

  @HouseTalkN: Wha...? Who...? Scuse me...??

  Reply Delete
• 
  Report Wed Oct 31, 2012 - 6:41 pm

  by  Lady Estrogen

  I have a head-to-toe bunny costume that my mother made for all 3 of us when I was little (I wear my father's now . . . yes, he actually wore it which seemed normal at the time but now I'm amazed he agreed to it) and if I want to wear a skimpy "naughty barmaid" lingerie set underneath, that will be between me and my hubs. Besides, you're right, it's cold out there, yo! ;)

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• 1 reply, Last reply by Kim Bongiorno on Tue Nov 6, 2012 at 8:05 pm
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  Report Tue Nov 6, 2012 - 8:05 pm

  by  Kim Bongiorno

  @Lady Estrogen: I grew up in Massachusetts, so there was always a "laying factor" that had to be considered. It's too cold to dress slutty around here!

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  Report Thu Nov 1, 2012 - 9:24 pm

  by  rootietoot

  Our go-to costume is my husband's HAZMAT suit and a respirator.

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• 1 reply, Last reply by Kim Bongiorno on Tue Nov 6, 2012 at 8:05 pm
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  Report Tue Nov 6, 2012 - 8:05 pm

  by  Kim Bongiorno

  @rootietoot: I need one of these. Not just for Halloween. For walking through my kitchen.

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• 
  Report Fri Nov 2, 2012 - 12:40 am

  by  lhewitt

  Darth Vador helmet and hoop skirt - got them - you are welcome to them. I would like the helmet back.

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• 1 reply, Last reply by Kim Bongiorno on Tue Nov 6, 2012 at 8:04 pm
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  Report Tue Nov 6, 2012 - 8:04 pm

  by  Kim Bongiorno

  @lhewitt: That would be a great look. And conservative, too. Win!

  Reply Delete