Bed and bored
What is the outward sign that your marriage is as limp as Hugh Hefner sans Viagra? Why, separate beds of course.
It is commonly thought that even if you're the sort of couple who is nasty to each other in public, if you still share a marital bed then all in the garden must be rosy. Whereas if you sleep in separate beds you might as well sew up your hymen and become a born-again virgin. But how true is it that sleeping together is the cornerstone of a functional marriage?
Take my friend Anna who shares a bed with her husband, Clive. Clive is almost totally uninterested in sex, is a bit hyper and often gets up in the night. Sometimes he'll even wake Anna at some godforsaken hour by licking her body under the covers. The bottom line is that Anna hasn't had an unbroken night's sleep in ten years. In fact when they had a blazing row recently and Anna made Clive sleep in the basement for six months, it was the best sleep she ever had. The sad thing was that letting Clive back into the marital bed signified that all was well again in the relationship. Even when it wasn't!
Here's my big confession: I love sleeping in separate beds. Surely there's enough to argue about in a marriage without having to strain things further by sleeping together? Firstly, the logistics. You are unlikely to go to bed at the same time. Do you really want to be kept awake by your partner reading or shouting at the TV? No, you do not.
Then there is sex. I do not like being woken up by a tongue in the middle of the night, or any other part of the male anatomy And it's pretty unerotic having sex in the middle of the night sporting pyjamas or a horrible t-shirt you got free at a Dog Food convention.
To my mind luxuriating in your own bed (in separate rooms) is the difference between flying economy and business class. I can adjust the light. I don't have to tolerate him eating toast in bed and I don't have to put up with farting, snoring or unwanted sexual advances. When I want sex, I schedule it. I certainly don't want to be pestered with it while I'm having some much deserved shut eye.
What do you think? Have I convinced anyone to sleep solo? Or is there anyone out there who loves spooning all night?