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Bed and bored
What is the outward sign that your marriage is as limp as Hugh Hefner sans Viagra? Why, separate beds of course.
It is commonly thought that even if you're the sort of couple who is nasty to each other in public, if you still share a marital bed then all in the garden must be rosy. Whereas if you sleep in separate beds you might as well sew up your hymen and become a born-again virgin. But how true is it that sleeping together is the cornerstone of a functional marriage?
Take my friend Anna who shares a bed with her husband, Clive. Clive is almost totally uninterested in sex, is a bit hyper and often gets up in the night. Sometimes he'll even wake Anna at some godforsaken hour by licking her body under the covers. The bottom line is that Anna hasn't had an unbroken night's sleep in ten years. In fact when they had a blazing row recently and Anna made Clive sleep in the basement for six months, it was the best sleep she ever had. The sad thing was that letting Clive back into the marital bed signified that all was well again in the relationship. Even when it wasn't!
Here's my big confession: I love sleeping in separate beds. Surely there's enough to argue about in a marriage without having to strain things further by sleeping together? Firstly, the logistics. You are unlikely to go to bed at the same time. Do you really want to be kept awake by your partner reading or shouting at the TV? No, you do not.
Then there is sex. I do not like being woken up by a tongue in the middle of the night, or any other part of the male anatomy And it's pretty unerotic having sex in the middle of the night sporting pyjamas or a horrible t-shirt you got free at a Dog Food convention.
To my mind luxuriating in your own bed (in separate rooms) is the difference between flying economy and business class. I can adjust the light. I don't have to tolerate him eating toast in bed and I don't have to put up with farting, snoring or unwanted sexual advances. When I want sex, I schedule it. I certainly don't want to be pestered with it while I'm having some much deserved shut eye.
What do you think? Have I convinced anyone to sleep solo? Or is there anyone out there who loves spooning all night?
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Comments (24)
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Report Wed Jul 27, 2011 - 9:09 pmMy husband and I hadn't slept or had sex in the same bed for 30 years. He sleeps downstairs where he has a small apartment and I have the upstairs.Reply -
Report Thu Mar 24, 2011 - 9:17 amWow, that sounds divine!! We generally have at least one of our three children in our bed. I would love to be able to sneak out into a room of my own!Reply
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Report Thu Mar 31, 2011 - 8:18 pmBlimey - 'scheduled sex'? Do you also 'diarise' conversations about finances, or 'find a window' for dinner together? I love a night's sleep, but isn't sharing a bed a little like sharing a life together and all about a bit of give and take (in all senses) on both sides?Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Emma Kaufmann on Thu Mar 31, 2011 at 9:03 pm
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Report Thu Mar 31, 2011 - 8:14 pm"I don't have to put up with...unwanted sexual advances. When I want sex, I schedule it. I certainly don't want to be pestered with it while I'm having some much deserved shut eye." Oh my. It seems as though I'm the odd one out here. You *schedule* sex? And you don't want the person you supposedly love and married for a reason to *pester* you with sexual advances?? Good lord - I would LOVE to be pestered for sex right now! :)Reply
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Report Fri Mar 25, 2011 - 9:16 amI thought about developing a habit of thrashing about in my sleep to make it my husband's idea to shift to another bed, but it didn't work. Seems I'll have to resort to the king-sized bed.Reply
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Thu Mar 24, 2011 - 9:33 pm
I spent four years as a single parent, sharing my bed with just a toddler. When I got in a relationship I despised sharing a bed. At the moment thankfully we arent living together so I dont have to share I bed but if I am truely honest, I dread the day we get married and I have to share a bed. I like my own space. It drives me mental having someone getting in my way, snoring, tossing and turning.Reply -
Report Thu Mar 24, 2011 - 8:27 pmWe have a king sized bed; I could NEVER go any smaller again. We didn't have to go to separate beds, but we've had separate comforters since we first moved in together. They match and all - 2 doubles. That seemed to solve our biggest problem. As for my hubby giving me unwanted advances? It'd never happen. Poor guy has the sex drive of a snail; I'm safe... maybe too safe ;)Reply
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Report Thu Mar 24, 2011 - 1:34 pmMy husband moved into his own house. I have my house and he has his house. Now we get on like a house on fire. I think the secret is to have your own room. Especially as we get older and incarcerated by children and domesticity - everyone needs their own space. Even women!!!! I am never sharing a room with a man again. They smell and snore. I love having my own room. It's pretty and tidy.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Emma Kaufmann on Thu Mar 24, 2011 at 8:19 pm
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Wed Mar 23, 2011 - 7:53 pm
After 32 years, even though my husband farts, snores and makes unhumanly sounds, I still like sleeping with him But I must confess, when I sleep alone, I do get a better night's rest.Reply -
2 replies, Last reply by Emma Kaufmann on Thu Mar 24, 2011 at 8:18 pm
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Thu Mar 24, 2011 - 7:54 pm
I couldn't sleep in anything other than a kingsize with my hubby so that I can have my own space and not turn over and be nose to nose (especially when he snores!). Went away recently and we had a super kingsize - wow! - only 11 year old daughter decided our bed was better than her bed sofa so she joined us too! Sleeping alone is very liberating though - but I wouldn't want to do it too often as it just doesn't seem quite right, even after a zillion years that we have been together.Reply -
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Wed Mar 23, 2011 - 8:50 pm
My ex and I had the same bed, but our own (single-sized) duvets. It worked well, because it bordered both the "my own space" and a natural divider for when sex did not appeal.Reply -
2 replies, Last reply by Victoria Wallop on Thu Mar 24, 2011 at 3:47 pm
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Thu Mar 24, 2011 - 1:26 pm
I think the key is to have a massive bed. The test is: can I roll over twice before I touch my partner? If not, that bed just ain't big enough. I don't think I'd like separate rooms, it would feel like the beginning of the end; what if I preferred the separate bed, then the separate holiday and then, oops! we've separated!Reply -
Report Thu Mar 24, 2011 - 12:57 amMuch as I love my mate of 29 years, I love sleeping in the guest room for a good night sleep due to snoring like a truck driver. Sadly, his brother is coming for a visit and I might have to smother him with a pillow. I will miss him.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Gigi_E on Thu Mar 24, 2011 at 1:33 am
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Wed Mar 23, 2011 - 10:43 pm
I would love separate beds but would actually worry about what people would think. Maybe the separate duvet thing could work although in the meantime I am going to save up for a super-kingsize bed and develop a penchant for cuddly toys slowly building up a wall. It might work you never know :)Reply -
Report Wed Mar 23, 2011 - 6:33 pmAll I will say is that I am glad to discover I am not the only person here who has to put up with unwanted sexual advances when I would much rather get some much needed shut eye. At least I hope I'm not. Hmmm... LCM xReply
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1 reply, Last reply by Emma Kaufmann on Wed Mar 23, 2011 at 9:34 pm
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Report Wed Mar 23, 2011 - 6:28 pmOh, I'm a big fan of separate sleepquarters. My b*friend snores, so my insomnia only gets worse, which doesn't create any sort of amorous mood. I definitely recommend the option of separate beds- it may SAVE your relationship!Reply
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