In The Powder Room

Jun 29

Playdates from hell

Comments (24) by Kim Bongiorno June 29, 2012 - 6:01 AM

• Share
• Tweet

I took a deep breath, curled my long arms around my infant girl and toddler boy and dove headfirst into the suburbs.

The three of us needed friends. Badly.

I found an online community of others like me - parents who needed local playmates, friends, a social life manageable enough to retain while drowning in diapers and Play-doh.

I woke before my alarm the morning of our first playdate at the community organizer's home.

I showered, carefully applied makeup, dressed in the least-stained thing I owned.

Breakfast was ready before the kids were.  I was so nervously hopeful that I could barely eat.

We piled into the truck, drove slowly, parked a block away.

Waited.

Too early.

Watched the clock.

Then we unbuckled.

Please, please like me. Like us.

I carried the kids, the massive diaper bag, and a head full of optimism to the front door to ring the bell.

I rang again.

I knocked.

Finally, a shuffling.

A yawning figure in pajamas answered the door.

She had been napping.

What. The hell?

She offered no coffee, no tea.  Suggested the faucet.

​Trying. Not. To judge.

We brought snacks to share. She said they didn't snack.

Who doesn't snack??

She offered no conversation, no questions. Just random observations about her kid, who toddled around the room, barely acknowledging my kids.

The bell rang.

A smiling, thin girl and two little kids tumbled in, apologizing for being late.

Still, the hostess did not engage, did not play, did not open up.

The other girl and I would catch each other's eye - a raised brow, a Did she just say that? look.

Silences were long and uncomfortable.

Disappointment filled me.

I held up my wrist.

"Well, look at that! Time to go!"

Thanks for nothing!

I tidied, bundled, packed, and hurried to the door, the other mom and her kids hot on my heels.

The door slammed behind the six of us before we were even down to the sidewalk.

In the silent late morning, I turned to the girl who looked just as unfulfilled and confused as I was.

"Is it just me? Or was that totally frigging weird?"

"Not just you."

"She was a freak, right?"

"Oh yeah."

We stopped and really saw each other for the first time that morning.

"Wanna go get some pizza?"

"Absolutely. I'll follow you?"

"Yep. See you there!"

​Over slices of cheese pizza, shared Handi-Wipes, drippy sippy cups and a tower of crumpled orangey napkins, I found another hopeful, exhausted, frazzled mom just like me. Someone who never seemed to stop talking, rarely got to sit down, and had smears of who-knows-what rubbed all over her shirt. It was Friend Love at first sight, and we took it from there.

I've never been so happy to go to such a crappy playdate.

by Kim Bongiorno June 29, 2012 - 6:01 AM

• Share
• Tweet

• • 
    The people of the mall

    by Kim Bongiorno May 23, 2013 - 6:02 AM
  • 
    Saint Vibrator

    by Janie Emaus May 20, 2013 - 6:01 AM
• • 
    Why you should talk to your kids about sex

    by Kim Bongiorno May 16, 2013 - 6:01 AM
  • 
    A Delta Gamma do-over

    by HouseTalkN May 14, 2013 - 6:01 AM

Comments (24)

Name:

Email:

Website URL:

Your Comment:

Enter the word as it appears in the box.

Submit Comment Cancel

Posted at Submit  |  Back to Editing Report Abuse

• 
  Report Sun Jul 1, 2012 - 1:09 am

  by  Toni/Expat Mum

  I seriously would love to know what goes on in the heads of people like that. I mean who invites someone else (especially a stranger) round to their house and then makes no effort whatsoever? Or people who are so late to an event or to your house that you think you must have mis-communicated the date, and then they turn up without even an apology? Who does that?

  Reply Delete
• 1 reply, Last reply by Kim at Let Me Start By Saying on Wed Jul 4, 2012 at 4:26 pm
• 
  Report Wed Jul 4, 2012 - 4:26 pm

  by  Kim at Let Me Start By Saying

  @Toni/Expat Mum: I have come to a very scientific conclusion: People are frigging WEIRD, yo.

  Reply Delete
• 
  Report Sun Jul 1, 2012 - 5:51 am

  by  gina valley

  Playdates from hell are the best! LoL! :-)

  Reply Delete
• 1 reply, Last reply by Kim at Let Me Start By Saying on Wed Jul 4, 2012 at 4:25 pm
• 
  Report Wed Jul 4, 2012 - 4:25 pm

  by  Kim at Let Me Start By Saying

  @gina valley: Once I stepped out of that Twilight Zone episode & got to the pizza place with my new BFF? It really WAS the best.

  Reply Delete
• 
  Report Wed Jul 4, 2012 - 2:17 am

  by  Abby Lyn

  My husband was convinced I would be subjected to a serial killer when I told him I was going on a playdate with someone I met online. But what are the other alternatives for a new SAHM fresh from the city who knows no one in the suburbs? You just have to cross your fingers and hope for the best!! (and maybe pack a butter knife just in case?)

  Reply Delete
• 1 reply, Last reply by Kim at Let Me Start By Saying on Wed Jul 4, 2012 at 4:24 pm
• 
  Report Wed Jul 4, 2012 - 4:24 pm

  by  Kim at Let Me Start By Saying

  @Abby Lyn: My husband said to me before each one I went to: "If you get murdered, chopped into pieces and made into chili, it's all on you. I warned you." He was SO supportive.... But Boo On Them: We both ended up safely making some good friends out of our adventures, right? :)

  Reply Delete
• 
  Report Fri Jun 29, 2012 - 9:56 pm

  by  lhewitt

  Hey Kim, Glad you made it out alive or without beating the shit out of "hostess" and made a friend. So hard to do as we get older. (all 3) :)

  Reply Delete
• 3 replies, Last reply by Kim at Let Me Start By Saying on Sat Jun 30, 2012 at 8:39 am
• 
  Report Fri Jun 29, 2012 - 11:29 pm

  by  Kim at Let Me Start By Saying

  @lhewitt: I was worried I was on some sort of Hidden Camera show. It was all just. so. WEIRD.

  Reply Delete
• 
  Report Sat Jun 30, 2012 - 12:33 am

  by  lhewitt

  @Kim at Let Me Start By Saying: You were. I saw it on youtube. You were great. You didn't get paid?

  Reply Delete
• 
  Report Sat Jun 30, 2012 - 8:39 am

  by  Kim at Let Me Start By Saying

  @lhewitt: Dammit! I knew I should have joined the Screen Actors Guild.... *storms off to call agent*

  Reply Delete
• 
  Report Sat Jun 30, 2012 - 4:47 am

  by  Kim

  You had me at the bird-flipping granny. But really I have no idea how to make a friend at this age. I have one friend, from high school. We still talk on the phone everyday, complain about our kids, husbands, etc., and giggle at dirty Pinterest stuff. How can I top that?

  Reply Delete
• 1 reply, Last reply by Kim at Let Me Start By Saying on Sat Jun 30, 2012 at 8:38 am
• 
  Report Sat Jun 30, 2012 - 8:38 am

  by  Kim at Let Me Start By Saying

  @Kim: Ah, yes, Dirty Pinterest giggling. That is hard to top. Though, after quite a bit of hard work. I found myself a gaggle of those kinds of dirty girls...and it's nice to have more than one person to be able to make orgasm/penis jokes with.

  Reply Delete
• 
  Report Fri Jun 29, 2012 - 11:59 pm

  by  Naps Happen

  Augh - I know. I tried an online meetup playdate once, but it was a totally different kind of bad match. She lived in this gorgeous, all-white house that was PRISTINE, and she had just one little girl, who was perfectly coiffed and well-trained in the art of doing neat crafts. She had this craft table all set up. Another woman with a pristine little girl showed up. They sat at the table and neatly crafted while my boys delighted in collecting and re-stacking all the craft supplies, tasting the glue, and crawling under the table. It was totally horrifying for me. It was like Lord of the Flies meets A Little Princess. I'm sure they were thrilled to see the back of us!

  Reply Delete
• 1 reply, Last reply by Kim at Let Me Start By Saying on Sat Jun 30, 2012 at 12:09 am
• 
  Report Sat Jun 30, 2012 - 12:09 am

  by  Kim at Let Me Start By Saying

  @Naps Happen: The friend I'm talking about in this story once told me that she knew we were going to be great friends when she realized I had ac ollection of petrified cereal & snacks under my kitchen table every single time she came over. You and your flies are welcome, anytime.

  Reply Delete
• 
  Report Fri Jun 29, 2012 - 8:39 pm

  by  Mary

  It is nice to know I'm not the only one who has been on too many crappy play dates. Definitely experienced the no snack thing, also having to wash my own cup that had to be retrieved from under a couch, no air conditioning and no windows open, mean kids, weird snacks served on wax paper, complete lack of social skills and kid discipline, etc. The list goes on. Glad you made a connection with someone.

  Reply Delete
• 1 reply, Last reply by Kim at Let Me Start By Saying on Fri Jun 29, 2012 at 11:29 pm
• 
  Report Fri Jun 29, 2012 - 11:29 pm

  by  Kim at Let Me Start By Saying

  @Mary: I'm a big fan of going to a playdate and the kid beats the crap out of your kids and the mom smiles to say "Aw, look at them wrestle..." as if it was cute to see a preschooler put a choke-hold on his guest. GOOD TIMES.

  Reply Delete
• 
  Report Fri Jun 29, 2012 - 8:16 pm

  by  Kathy V.

  I hear you, sister. It is so hard to make mom-friends -- I feel like it's similar to dating, only with more judginess and less sex. Also with more likelihood of finding poo in your date's hair. And in a new place ... well, sometimes it just seems impossible. I met my best local friend when I was walking through the park one day with my kiddo in his stroller, and I spied her and her husband walking their kiddo and their dog. Then I did something COMPLETELY out of character, and changed my course so that I could 'accidentally' run into them on the path. I don't know what came over me. It's a good thing I did, though, because she's awesomesauce.

  Reply Delete
• 1 reply, Last reply by Kim at Let Me Start By Saying on Fri Jun 29, 2012 at 8:25 pm
• 
  Report Fri Jun 29, 2012 - 8:25 pm

  by  Kim at Let Me Start By Saying

  @Kathy V.: Park Stalking to make new friends. Me likey.

  Reply Delete
• 
  Report Fri Jun 29, 2012 - 5:05 pm

  by  Kathy at kissing the frog

  Seriously, who doesn't snack?? What a nightmare. Glad it turned out well. When we moved from Nebraska to Long Island when my twins were babies, it was really hard to make friends. I joined a Mother's Center group at our local library where the leader was a Judgy McJudgerson type. But luckily I met another Midwest transplant, and we are still friends today, and both back in the Midwest.

  Reply Delete
• 1 reply, Last reply by Kim at Let Me Start By Saying on Fri Jun 29, 2012 at 6:34 pm
• 
  Report Fri Jun 29, 2012 - 6:34 pm

  by  Kim at Let Me Start By Saying

  @Kathy at kissing the frog: It's hard to make friends when The Leader has a right-angled pole up her ass. I feel for you. At least you met another kindly Midwesterner to move back home with. Now that's a sweet deal.

  Reply Delete
• 
  Report Fri Jun 29, 2012 - 6:27 pm

  by  Kerry

  I joined matchingmoms.com when I moved from Texas to Ohio. Basically I internet dated moms. It was challenging at first trying to figure out if we had anything in common besides the age of our kids. One of my best friends now & I met that way, but it took a few dates before we really clicked. Mom groups help too, but you have to weed out the crazies to find the gems.

  Reply Delete
• 1 reply, Last reply by Kim at Let Me Start By Saying on Fri Jun 29, 2012 at 6:33 pm
• 
  Report Fri Jun 29, 2012 - 6:33 pm

  by  Kim at Let Me Start By Saying

  @Kerry: I tried it ALL. And I'd sift through all the crazies, then pass the cool ones my card and whisper "Call me".

  Reply Delete
• 
  Report Fri Jun 29, 2012 - 6:29 pm

  by  Abbie

  We have moved several times and I met one mom and knew instantly we would never be friends and that I was sure she hated me. Nine years later she is me dearest friend. Friendships are funny and so are parenting styles. I think we balanced each other out. I recently wrote about it here. You might enjoy and I titled it "Two Broke(n) Girls" as we are a bit like the two gals on the TV show. I am writing her a reference letter to her new neighbor, (she is movng :( ) for when they decide they don't like her, (like I did) they should give her a second chance. He, he, he... http://allthatmakesyou.wordpress.com/2012/05/09/2-broke-girls/

  Reply Delete
• 1 reply, Last reply by Kim at Let Me Start By Saying on Fri Jun 29, 2012 at 6:32 pm
• 
  Report Fri Jun 29, 2012 - 6:32 pm

  by  Kim at Let Me Start By Saying

  @Abbie: I love that. "Dear New Neighbor to Jane, You will hate the bitch upon first sight, but trust me: She's not at absolutely awful as she seems. Pinky swear." You are such a kind and generous friend to help a girl out like that. ;)

  Reply Delete