In The Powder Room

Jul 20

The great equalizers

Comments (4) by Kim Bongiorno July 20, 2012 - 6:02 AM

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I have a theory: Babies are jealous bastards who hate grown-ups.

The only reason the Wee Ones tolerate us, is because: ​

1. They can mock the way grown-ups stupidly speak in Baby Talk when awkwardly holding them.

2. Baby hands are too small to manage the TV remote for putting on Elmo's World.

3. They know that they have the power to ruin the lives of grown-ups at will.

Back when Husband and I were unmarried, childless people, we were having a hoot.

We did whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted.

We actually had money in our bank accounts without negative signs in front of it.

We thought the only thing that could make our lives happier, would be to marry and make babies.

Well. Guess who had the last laugh?

(Hint: There's two of them, and each has half my DNA and half Husband's DNA.)

Babies are The Great Equalizers.

When our grown-up lives get a little too happy for them, they knock us down.

This makes them feel better about not being tall enough to reach the Cookie Cabinet or drive cars. 

If they were kinder creatures, our luxurious adult size and dexterity wouldn't bother them.  But they aren't. Which makes them want to mess with us. 

Just when you've got a good career going and a nice savings account accumulating, BAM!  You pop out a kid who needs a stroller that ​costs more than your first car.

Just when you are used to having years of late nights clubbing, making out in the back of taxis, doing the dirty once you get home, then sleeping in all day - you get preggo one of those nights, and end up never seeing a night club or making out ever again.

Just when you finally have the house all cleaned and had a (pretty much) tantrum-free day, you settle in for a good night's sleep, only to get woken up at 2am with a pee-soaked bed that needs to be changed.  Then again at 4 am by the other kid who had a nightmare.  So of course both of them are up for the day at 6 am with frigging bells on.

Sure, they coo, smile and fill us with oh-so-much love, but don't let them fool you. They all have anger management issues and jealousy within them as thick as cold fudge.

Which is why they like to poop on us grown-ups, especially in public when we happen to wear something that's Dry Clean Only.

I can't say I blame them, really. I mean, it must kind of suck being unable to chew things that require teeth or go to the movies when the mood strikes.

Us adults really do have the sweet life, and someone's gotta make sure we never forget how good we have it.  Well...had it: once they arrive, it's over, people. 

Those jealous little buggers are lucky they are so damned cute.

by Kim Bongiorno July 20, 2012 - 6:02 AM

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  Report Sun Jul 22, 2012 - 5:42 pm

  by  lhewitt

  lol - Great post

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• 1 reply, Last reply by Kim Bongiorno on Sun Jul 22, 2012 at 6:13 pm
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  Report Sun Jul 22, 2012 - 6:13 pm

  by  Kim Bongiorno

  @lhewitt: Thanks!

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  Report Sat Jul 21, 2012 - 7:57 am

  by  Ninja Mom

  Cute has literally saved my children from the Home for Shitty Kids. That and laws against such things.

  Reply Delete
• 1 reply, Last reply by Kim Bongiorno on Sat Jul 21, 2012 at 6:24 pm
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  Report Sat Jul 21, 2012 - 6:24 pm

  by  Kim Bongiorno

  @Ninja Mom: Exactly. Jealousy ain't pretty, so they are all made reaaaaaal cute. Lucky bastards.

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