In The Powder Room

Aug 03

Gym hygenics

Comments (20) by Kim Bongiorno August 03, 2012 - 6:02 AM

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Fact: Pretty much everything in the ladies' gym locker room is covered in vagina.

This is something I struggle with each time I enter one (a gym, not a vagina), being that I am not a fan of getting up close and personal with strangers' vaginas. I'm sure they are all lovely vaginas, but still. No thank you. I die a little each time my eyeglasses fall off my toiletry kit and onto the bench in the changing area. Might as well skip the middleman and just toss a vag directly into my eye.

As a recovering germaphobe, balancing my need for exercise with my repulsion at the slick coating of DNA on every surface of the gym and attached locker room is a tricky task.

Sure, there are antibacterial cloths available for equipment wipe-downs. That does little to comfort me as I sit on the weight bench imagining all the sweaty run-off from both sexes collecting into pungent little chrysalises that cling beneath me, possibly growing new humans from the mingling abundance of lost skin cells. Kind of like how caterpillars become butterflies, only the absolute opposite in regards to loveliness.

Everyone grabs a complimentary mini towel to ease the pain of public perspiration. Yet I fail to see them as a barrier, when sinewy asthmatic dudes blow their noses into them, then slap those terry snot sponges down onto the handlebars of the elliptical machines I am waiting to use. Excuse me for a moment while I swallow the vomit that just rose up into my throat.

Don't even get me started on the deposits everyone makes on the shower floors. My therapy bills have been through the roof ever since that one time I forgot to bring in shower sandals.

The upside to this unsanitary horror scene is that all the anxiety I experience while facing my fear of trace fecal matter pressing into my palms from the free weights actually helps me burn a few extra calories during each visit. The nervous sweats, the nausea, the racing heart as I force myself to sit on the abdominal machine immediately after that furry meathead just finished a soaking set of reps on it...it's all part of my weight loss and cardio routine.

Which, in a completely disgusting way, is an unexpected bonus that is good for my health. Despite the fact that I have to hang out in a stinky, spotty Petri dish to get it. 

I gotta go now. It's almost time for my spin class. Has anyone seen my industrial-strength bottle of hand sanitizer? Anyone....?

by Kim Bongiorno August 03, 2012 - 6:02 AM

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  Report Fri Aug 10, 2012 - 8:33 pm

  by  Katharine

  This reminds me of the time I decided to dry my hair before leaving the gym - I must have had somewhere to go that required that, "I-didn't-just-come-from-the-gym" look. I bent over to flip my hair over and what did I see? Yup. Right in my face. It came over to get some hair product off the counter beside me. It didn't bother me so much to see it, but from my position, it was right at eye level.

  Reply Delete
• 1 reply, Last reply by Kim at Let Me Start By Saying on Thu Sep 20, 2012 at 9:37 pm
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  Report Thu Sep 20, 2012 - 9:37 pm

  by  Kim at Let Me Start By Saying

  @Katharine: I'm tellin' ya, it's SO EASY to get a vagina in the eyeball there. Be very careful.

  Reply Delete
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  Report Wed Aug 8, 2012 - 5:30 am

  by  Lisha

  Now I'll never get off the couch.

  Reply Delete
• 1 reply, Last reply by Kim at Let Me Start By Saying on Wed Aug 8, 2012 at 5:52 am
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  Report Wed Aug 8, 2012 - 5:52 am

  by  Kim at Let Me Start By Saying

  @Lisha: Do you have ANY idea of the amount of DNA on a couch? Skin cells, hair, fluids. *shudder* You might be better off at the gym. At least your so freaked out that you'll be burning calories.

  Reply Delete
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  Report Wed Aug 8, 2012 - 5:20 am

  by  Teri Su

  Thanks. I was going to renew my gym membership this month. Thinking twice.

  Reply Delete
• 1 reply, Last reply by Kim at Let Me Start By Saying on Wed Aug 8, 2012 at 5:31 am
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  Report Wed Aug 8, 2012 - 5:31 am

  by  Kim at Let Me Start By Saying

  @Teri Su: Just bathe yourself in bleach before, and scrub clean with a brillo pad when you're done.

  Reply Delete
• 
  Report Fri Aug 3, 2012 - 6:51 pm

  by  JohnoMori

  Sweat, stinky stinky sweat, is what makes a gym great. It is like that line from "Apocalypse Now" where the crazy guy proclaims that he loves the smell of Napalm in the morning. I feel the same way about the stinky smell of vaginal, testicle, ass, armpit, bad breath, infused smelly gyms. They let you know that you are enduring something. And something is always better than nothing.

  Reply Delete
• 3 replies, Last reply by Kim at Let Me Start By Saying on Wed Aug 8, 2012 at 4:55 am
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  Report Mon Aug 6, 2012 - 1:38 am

  by  Kim at Let Me Start By Saying

  @JohnoMori: John, you slightly horrify and amaze me. I swipe a smear of Vick's Vapo-Rub beneath my nose before going to the gym, so I can't smell everything you just described. True story.

  Reply Delete
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  Report Tue Aug 7, 2012 - 6:43 pm

  by  The Bearded Iris

  @Kim at Let Me Start By Saying: Kim, oh-em-geeeeeeee. That is the same technique I use before I arrive at the Apple Genius Bar to get my laptop fixed.

  Reply Delete
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  Report Wed Aug 8, 2012 - 4:55 am

  by  Kim at Let Me Start By Saying

  @The Bearded Iris: I heart you so hard, Beardy.

  Reply Delete
• 
  Report Mon Aug 6, 2012 - 2:28 am

  by  Tina

  You could save yourself a lot of stress by doing what I do: wearing my workout gear to the gym, and showering at home. I'm not exactly a germaphobe, but I definitely don't want to spend more time than I have to there, especially naked.

  Reply Delete
• 1 reply, Last reply by Kim at Let Me Start By Saying on Mon Aug 6, 2012 at 5:52 am
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  Report Mon Aug 6, 2012 - 5:52 am

  by  Kim at Let Me Start By Saying

  @Tina: I tend to agree with you here, though sometimes i think the gym equipment is even filthier than the vagina benches and phlegm floors of the locker room. I just wear my HazMat suit in the showers now. Much safer.

  Reply Delete
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  Report Mon Aug 6, 2012 - 2:02 am

  by  Lily from It's A Dome Life

  The locker room is a scary place. It will never be the same for me after reading this. Working out at home just got a little more desirable. Hope you survive all of the vaginas!

  Reply Delete
• 1 reply, Last reply by Kim at Let Me Start By Saying on Mon Aug 6, 2012 at 5:51 am
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  Report Mon Aug 6, 2012 - 5:51 am

  by  Kim at Let Me Start By Saying

  @Lily from It's A Dome Life: It's nice to work out at home, because at least you are familiar with all the vagina that you're dealing with.

  Reply Delete
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  Report Sat Aug 4, 2012 - 6:52 am

  by  hollow tree ventures

  Thank you. That was exactly the excuse I needed to crumple up and pitch the gym application I got today. Whew!

  Reply Delete
• 1 reply, Last reply by Kim at Let Me Start By Saying on Mon Aug 6, 2012 at 1:40 am
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  Report Mon Aug 6, 2012 - 1:40 am

  by  Kim at Let Me Start By Saying

  @hollow tree ventures: Hm. I thought this would actually encourage people to work out. Where did I go wrong??

  Reply Delete
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  Report Fri Aug 3, 2012 - 10:01 pm

  by  ronnie

  I can NOT believe you've seen someone blow their nose in a towel and then wipe equipment with the same towel - that IS disgusting!!! Thanks for making me laugh :)

  Reply Delete
• 1 reply, Last reply by Kim at Let Me Start By Saying on Mon Aug 6, 2012 at 1:40 am
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  Report Mon Aug 6, 2012 - 1:40 am

  by  Kim at Let Me Start By Saying

  @ronnie: If you stare at people just waiting for something gross to happen, it will. I can money-back-guarantee that.

  Reply Delete
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  Report Fri Aug 3, 2012 - 8:48 pm

  by  lhewitt

  Hey Kim, Fact - Coke-spit laugh at first sentence. Everything else - more prefectly good reasons not to exercise. Thank you. I'm actually a little queasy since you pointed all that out. I do have a source for industrial big ass bottles of hand sanitizer (5 gallons). How exactly does one " throw a vag"? nevermind

  Reply Delete
• 1 reply, Last reply by Kim at Let Me Start By Saying on Mon Aug 6, 2012 at 1:39 am
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  Report Mon Aug 6, 2012 - 1:39 am

  by  Kim at Let Me Start By Saying

  @lhewitt: Good - by spitting out the Coke, I just saved you some calories. So reading me is also like exercising. THIS POST GETS BETTER BY THE MINUTE.

  Reply Delete