In The Powder Room

Aug 10

Never apologise

Comments (26) by Kim Bongiorno August 10, 2012 - 6:01 AM

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Why am I apologizing for needing to be alone in my office for a few hours a day?

When I was a kid, every summer morning, Mom shoved my brothers and me out the door with a See you when I ring the cow bell for dinner AND NOT A MINUTE BEFORE.

And what was she doing all that time?

I'm pretty sure she did housework for a while, but I'm guessing that a large portion of her kid-less, husbandless days were filled with reading the seven library books a week she checked out, and taking naps.

People are so damn nice to their kids these days. Filling summer with mornings at the fancy private pool, cool camps, road trips to amusement parks, creating Flow Charts of Fun for rainy days that rival hanging out with the cast of Cirque du Soleil.

I have barely seen some of my friends, who are simply never around because they are making their kids' summer so totally awesome.

Errr...yeah. I'm...not.

I have to write.

My life-long dream has been to become a professional writer.

I'm finally getting the chance to do it.

Which means I need to toss my kids into the basement with their kagillion toys and tell them: Go have fun.

Which translates to: Make your own fun, people. Mama's gotta work and can't afford camp this week.

Why am I apologizing for this?

When I was a kid, I spent my days traipsing through the woods, swimming in ponds, taking walks, hanging out in back yards with all the other kids in the neighborhood who were booted out by their own moms for the day. 

I don't ever remember my mom telling me: I'm sorry for having other shit to do than entertain your needy little asses, kids.

Sure, she always had homemade cookies or coffee cake sitting on the counter when we got back around dinnertime. Which, technically, ​could have been some sort of sugary subliminal apology for not wanting to spend her days with us.  But I wasn't one to ask questions when it came to dessert.

But I think she - and the other moms - just didn't feel any guilt about making us find our own fun.

They knew we were kids with functioning brains and the ability to ask others: You wanna play?

I think it's time for me to stop apologizing to my kids for needing to be on the computer just a few more minutes, when they are perfectly capable of fending for themselves in a house full of snacks, toys, crayons, board games, tables under which to make forts, and an obscene amount of Legos.

Look out, kids, Mama's about to go Old Skool on your asses...

by Kim Bongiorno August 10, 2012 - 6:01 AM

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  Report Wed Aug 15, 2012 - 7:37 pm

  by  ninja mom

  Amen. I'm very interested in doing things with my kids taht we all find mutually fun, or that we are curious about, or that helps others in our community. I'm not here to be their constant companion. That begs the question, how will they function when they are grown and don't have mommy as a fixture in their lives? Amirtie? Raising grown ups here. Having a life of my own. Not procreating new BFFs for myself. It's how I do mommy.

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• 1 reply, Last reply by Kim at Let Me Start By Saying on Thu Aug 16, 2012 at 5:35 pm
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  Report Thu Aug 16, 2012 - 5:35 pm

  by  Kim at Let Me Start By Saying

  @ninja mom: Yep. If they can never figure out how to deal with their siblings, find food, negotiate who gets to be the 1st player on Wii today, they will never be able to handle the Real World.

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  Report Fri Aug 10, 2012 - 9:21 pm

  by  Jocelynn

  Thank you for this post! I too had to figure out what to with my time during the summer and it's exactly how my fiance and I are raising our son. He is 2 now, and will entertain himself by exploring our 1/2 acre yard with his best friend, our dog Angus. Or, he will jump on the swing by himself, or play on the slide. We rarely need to entertain him ourselves anymore. Sure, sometimes he just wants to watch a movie (the boy does love his movies!), but for the most part, he has to figure out how to keep himself occupied. I have a 23-year old stepson (well, almost stepson, his father and I are not technically married yet) who just cannot figure it out. He was spoiled rotten as a child by his mother and now he just can't deal with the fact that he has to be responsible for himself. Needless to say, we haven't spoken to him for a few months because he is mad that we don't just go handing him everything that he is "entitled" to. He just doesn't have a clue about how to function in the real world and it is an absolute disappointment that people are actually raising their children to become this way.

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• 3 replies, Last reply by Kim at Let Me Start By Saying on Sun Aug 12, 2012 at 9:01 pm
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  Report Fri Aug 10, 2012 - 9:46 pm

  by  Kim at Let Me Start By Saying

  @Jocelynn: About a year or so ago, I wrote about that article detailing how kids who were given too much by their parents (too much guidance, stuff & attention) were lost as adults. They didn't know how to work things out on their own, make their own decisions, entertain themselves. They fail at relationships, jobs...they just...fail. It's sad, really.

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  Report Sat Aug 11, 2012 - 12:54 am

  by  Jocelynn

  @Kim at Let Me Start By Saying: Very sad indeed. I started following you maybe about 6 months ago, so I missed that one. It's funny though, seeing how tough it is for him just to function in society makes me really think about my decisions as a parent to our son. Like all of the times that I want to do things for him just so that I don't have to have the patience to watch him try to do it himself, or have him get frustrated and angry that he doesn't get it right the first time. It's hard not to give your kids everything, I am not immune and find myself constantly stopping in front of something he would like, contemplating buying it even though his closet and toyboxes are already spewing out loads of hand-me-downs and birthday gifts that never get played with. And then, I think of my stepson, and that really keeps me in check. I just wouldn't want to see my child flounder as an adult, so we do the best we can do to give him a good childhood without spoiling him. He will either be a respectable member of society or a sociopath...too early to tell just yet. :)

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  Report Sun Aug 12, 2012 - 9:01 pm

  by  Kim at Let Me Start By Saying

  @Jocelynn: I do the same thing, wanting to give them stuff just because I know they'll enjoy it. But stopping myself. Because holy CRAP they have so much. Gah. I hope I get the Respectable Member outcome & not the sociopath outcome. *fingers crossed*

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  Report Sat Aug 11, 2012 - 2:15 am

  by  Joy

  I.Love.This. My kids act like going outside is evil...then they go out and don't come in for hours. I have to chase them down with water and sunscreen after about 4 hours. My kids try to say they're bored - at my place - that means you clean toilets. They don't say that often... We don't do camps - can't afford one let along times four - and I just make them ride their bikes to their friends' houses to see if they're home vs calling. You'd think I was pulling out their teeth!!! Granted - the next house is about 3 acres away....who cares - get out there and be active. Thanks for writing - I'm glad your kids have to entertain themselves so you can share greatness with us. You Rock.

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• 1 reply, Last reply by Kim at Let Me Start By Saying on Sat Aug 11, 2012 at 5:58 pm
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  Report Sat Aug 11, 2012 - 5:58 pm

  by  Kim at Let Me Start By Saying

  @Joy: I love when my kids act like I'm the devil for turning off the Wii before they get to a next level, then stay in the basement in an imaginary world they created for HOURS. Hey, kids: told ya so! ;)

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  Report Sat Aug 11, 2012 - 5:30 am

  by  Lady Estrogen

  I've been ignoring, I mean, teaching my kids to be independent pretty much since they started to walk - and I gotta say, it's been a great parenting decision. It does help they're twin boys too, though. They amuse each other and I just have to occasionally be referee. Sometimes, I'll lay on the floor & they can climb on me. Wurd.

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• 1 reply, Last reply by Kim at Let Me Start By Saying on Sat Aug 11, 2012 at 5:57 pm
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  Report Sat Aug 11, 2012 - 5:57 pm

  by  Kim at Let Me Start By Saying

  @Lady Estrogen: I love making my kids figure stuff out on their own. I shouldn't have to always make their decisions for them. So ignoring them is good for them. Which is AWESOME.

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  Report Fri Aug 10, 2012 - 9:38 pm

  by  Jamie

  Thank you for this...We live in a pretty sheltered cul-de-sac in the far back end of a neighborhood, so I often kick my kids outside to play with their friends next door. I usually feel guilty about it, but I'm not going to any more.

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• 1 reply, Last reply by Kim at Let Me Start By Saying on Fri Aug 10, 2012 at 9:47 pm
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  Report Fri Aug 10, 2012 - 9:47 pm

  by  Kim at Let Me Start By Saying

  @Jamie: That's the perfect environment for kicking the kids outside. If I had a fenced-in yard, they would be out there alllll day long. For real.

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  Report Fri Aug 10, 2012 - 9:05 pm

  by  Robin

  I was just thinking about why I don't shove my kid out the door every morning like my Mom did. I decided this list of maybe paranoid and overprotective reasons are why. 1 There are way more children who disappear now. 2 None of his friends live close, or other kids for that matter. 3 The crazy guy down the street seriously creeps me out. 4 People do not drive slow anymore or look out for kids playing. 5 Way too many pedophiles live in our little town. 6 I am crazy overprotective (I can't help it, his brother would have been four now). Now I am wondering if we should move or I should get a script for my neurosis. While I ponder the drawbacks to medication I will be reading more of your writing, at least that makes me smile and feel so much less crazy. Thanks Kim

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• 1 reply, Last reply by Kim at Let Me Start By Saying on Fri Aug 10, 2012 at 9:44 pm
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  Report Fri Aug 10, 2012 - 9:44 pm

  by  Kim at Let Me Start By Saying

  @Robin: I'm crazy worried, too. I don't have a fence, so my kids spend their day playing in the house (anywhere but near me). They are only 5 & 7, so I wouldn't let them roam the streets, but there MUST be some middle ground. I still don't let my kids play in the driveway by themselves without me at least outside somewhere with them, but I don't want to have to always be right on top of them. It sounds like you have a very valid reason for your worry. And the car thing: I personally fear for myself as a driver, because so many people are texting/dialing/surfing/reading their phones rather than paying attention to the road. it is so scary. I've been almost hit in my giant SUV, never mind if my kids were too close to the road. I'd say let them learn a little bit at a time. I let mine roam free in the house, no TV or Wii or me telling them what to do - just figure it out. It's a starting point, right?

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  Report Fri Aug 10, 2012 - 8:51 pm

  by  Julie

  Amen sista! I grew up on 5 acres out in the boonies. My dad once put up 4 poles and a frame around a huge tree in our yard, gave my brother and I a 5lb bag of nails and a pile of scrap wood. We ended up with a 2-story tree house, complete with tire swing, pit-toilet (for the boys - ew), bunk beds, corner tables and a dumb-waiter. We swam every day. We rode bikes or horses to friends houses and swam or played outside there too. We went inside for the bathroom, kool-aid and snacks. My kids complain when I tell them it's a no Kindle/Computer/iTouch kinda day. So they discovered GameZone on the TV. Spoiled. Rotten.

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• 1 reply, Last reply by Kim at Let Me Start By Saying on Fri Aug 10, 2012 at 9:39 pm
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  Report Fri Aug 10, 2012 - 9:39 pm

  by  Kim at Let Me Start By Saying

  @Julie: My brother & I were about 6 & 8yo when we'd walk from home to the local camp at a park. We'd do nothing very exciting for a couple hours, eat a Fluffernutter sandwich, then walk back home. Alone. Then we'd play in the woods behind our house or in the sandbox in our yard or with friends in the street. I really got pissed off when my son asked for a PlaystationDS for Xmas, when he already has Wii, a Leapster, and there are 2 iPads in the house we let them use (with permission). I said no, and got loooooads of pressure from my husband and in-laws just to let them buy it for him. My point was that I want my kids to understand that they have SO MUCH, and if they get bored with what they have, maybe they should figure out something to do with their brains rather then rely on get another mechanical distraction.

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  Report Fri Aug 10, 2012 - 7:23 pm

  by  Ali

  THANK YOU, KIM!!! Well put, my friend. I really needed to read this, as camp is coming to an end (today!) for my kids and I have 4 articles due in the next couple of weeks. I need to shed this guilt that have! You are right, I did ride bikes in the neighborhood with other kids. I did play with my brother. I sat in my room and drew and wrote stories and my mom did, well, I don't know what she did, but I sure do understand now why she needed to do whatever it was! Why do I feel so guilty? So, thank you, Kim. Excellent post!

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• 1 reply, Last reply by Kim at Let Me Start By Saying on Fri Aug 10, 2012 at 7:29 pm
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  Report Fri Aug 10, 2012 - 7:29 pm

  by  Kim at Let Me Start By Saying

  @Ali: I've done a few weeks of morning camps I could work, and today is the last day. I plan on adding another week to it, but otherwise the rest of the month will be them doing their own thing in the mornings while I work. We can do stuff together in the afternoons. And everyone WILL survive. Pinky swear.

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  Report Fri Aug 10, 2012 - 7:03 pm

  by  Mary Anne

  Oh I sooooo agree......a wise girlfriend told me to NEVER play with your kids, because they will always expect you to entertain them. SO I tok that advice, sorta, and my daughter would play for hours with her plastic horses in her teensy bonus area. I friends who were amazed at this. I NEVER remember my parents playing with us-maybe on vacations but that was it. Great post and LOL too!

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• 1 reply, Last reply by Kim at Let Me Start By Saying on Fri Aug 10, 2012 at 7:19 pm
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  Report Fri Aug 10, 2012 - 7:19 pm

  by  Kim at Let Me Start By Saying

  @Mary Anne: I rarely get the "I'm bored" because they know what my answer will be (see my comment below to @Rae). I like to make the every day stuff fun (surprise lunch at the diner, or being silly in the car while doing errands), but put them in charge of filling in their own blanks when it comes to the long voids of no plans during the day.

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  Report Fri Aug 10, 2012 - 7:00 pm

  by  Rae

  The only thing I did to keep my kids entertained is to make up a list of things to do when they are bored, so they don't come tell me. And when they do tell me they are bored? Well, I will say my oldest daughter learned her lesson, after having to clean out our minivan. And the other kids saw that, and they are afraid. "I am NOT the cruise director!" ;)

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• 1 reply, Last reply by Kim at Let Me Start By Saying on Fri Aug 10, 2012 at 7:02 pm
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  Report Fri Aug 10, 2012 - 7:02 pm

  by  Kim at Let Me Start By Saying

  @Rae: LOVE IT. I say "If you're bored, there are 2 big black garbage bags in the basement. Bag up all the toys you no longer play with, and we'll give them to kids who won't get bored with them." Magically, the complaining stops after that. (yes, I really do keep 2 big black garbage bags in my basement. Homie don't play no games)

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  Report Fri Aug 10, 2012 - 6:58 pm

  by  Bethany @ Bad Parenting Moments

  My husband has fond memories of going wherever the hell he wanted all day during summer. I have fond memories of playing neighborhood hide and seek with all the children on base well after nightfall. We watched TV...lots. We biked...on our own. We got our own cereal in the morning. We survived to go forth and kick ass. I tell my kids - I provide the props, backdrop and love, YOU supply the imagination and make your own (damn) good time. My kids are 1/2 Lord of the Flies 1/2 Fortune 500 CEOs and they, quite frankly, kick-ass. Long live the unscheduled free form summer. Another stellar post (no surprise there).

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• 1 reply, Last reply by Kim at Let Me Start By Saying on Fri Aug 10, 2012 at 7:00 pm
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  Report Fri Aug 10, 2012 - 7:00 pm

  by  Kim at Let Me Start By Saying

  @Bethany @ Bad Parenting Moments: "My kids are 1/2 Lord of the Flies 1/2 Fortune 500 CEOs and they, quite frankly, kick-ass." I love you for this, and want you to immediately start training other parents to be this awesome. Imagine what the under-12 crowd now is going to be like in 20 years if we all force them to be imaginative and clever already? BOOM.

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  Report Fri Aug 10, 2012 - 5:34 pm

  by  Abby Lyn

  My mother in law and mom both think I'm nuts because I'm constantly entertaining the kids with all the toys, electronics and extracurricular activities. They were both working moms with no time (or desire) to play with the kids. I think my hubby and I turned out pretty well! Husband has memories of spending two evenings a week doodling in a notebook by himself while his mother, a one-time ballerina, kept up her skills in adult dance classes. She certainly never apologized for wanting that time to herself - and left it up to her son to entertain himself while she did. Lately I've really made an effort to listen to their good advice. It's important for kids to use their imaginations to entertain themselves for awhile. It's a gift to teach your kids to tolerate a little boredom here and there.

  Reply Delete
• 1 reply, Last reply by Kim at Let Me Start By Saying on Fri Aug 10, 2012 at 6:48 pm
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  Report Fri Aug 10, 2012 - 6:48 pm

  by  Kim at Let Me Start By Saying

  @Abby Lyn: Yes!! I hear so many teenagers & 20-somethings seem disgusted with the thought of being bored. They think they face hardships because they have no idea what it's like to figure things out for themselves or deal without getting their way or being constantly entertained. I remember just playing at a small local pond for HOURS many days a week all summer with some friends. What did we actually do? Nothing, really. Or sitting in silence fishing. Just me and my thoughts. Kids these days would spontaneously combust. We need to make them realize the world doesn't revolve around them, and they better jump into their own lives or else their grown-up lives will suck.

  Reply Delete