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A neighbor's desperate plea
Dear Neighbor With the Lovely Landscaping,
You have a yard with grass like spotless green velvet that would induce envy in Martha Stewart.
The flowerbeds are constantly turning over with the seasons, weather, holidays and your flights of fancy.
Every day I drive by, humbled by the blossoms that arch up to the sky in coordinating colors that can lift a troubled man's heart.
You need to cut that shit out.
My "Never Die" azalea bushes drop into a pile of dusty sticks the moment I turn my back.
Hours spent planting bulbs in strategic patterns are wasted, for they end up as snacks for sneaky squirrels.
In the spring the scent of your fresh mulch ripens the air that blows down the street, rolling over my weeds and grey piles of dank bark chips.
All summer I'm barely able to contain the chalk, bikes and bubbles that litter my driveway, yet tidy blooms frame yours.
Each autumn you surpass belief with bundles of rich-hued chrysanthemums, haystacks and merry scarecrows perched on a squeakless porch swing. I still haven't mulched by then.
In the winter your Evergreens are prepped for a chill and holiday lights flicker tastefully around handmade wreaths. I can be found rolling frozen, rotten Halloween pumpkins behind my house before heading to the shop for our Christmas tree.
Birds happily chirp from atop your cutesy signage welcoming guests. Butterflies drink the nectar of perfect buds that prettily pepper your property. Sunshine breaks through the clouds to light your landscaped masterpieces.
Quite frankly, I've had enough. Everything you do is beautiful and amazing and absolutely annoying.
I don't enjoy gardening. I don't get a thrill from planting. I get minimal satisfaction from a well-maintained yard. I can't keep it straight whether annuals are the ones that come back every year, or if it's perennials that do that. But I do the work. I make the effort.
Then you go and raise the bar so damned high I can't even throw a stupid dehydrated crocus bulb over it.
I've got other shit to do than to try and not look like the neighborhood slum dog.
All I'm asking is that you take it down a notch. Or twenty.
Let your front yard get a little run-down looking. You can keep the back as lush and brilliant as you'd like: Install fountains, a koi pond and romantic mini bridge lined with potted roses. I really don't give a shit.
Just give those of us who have to stare at your green-thumbed glory every day until you decide to retire to Florida to raise rare orchids a little break. Lower that bar back down so we can have a fighting chance to stop looking like a group of hobo houses encircling a glittery emerald castle.
And if you do this? We might actually start inviting you to our neighborhood BBQs.
Sincerely,
Your Neighbor to the Right With the Dead Azalea Bushes
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Comments (20)
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Report Fri Sep 28, 2012 - 7:56 amI have a pink rose bush and a yard full of stickers. Seriously more stickers than real grass. It's there because the landowners daughter wanted it when she lived in the house. And so are the purple and yellow Irises that only bloomed once because I never watered them and the dog laid on them as a bed. The neighbor with the goats offered to lend us a few to take care of the stickers. We decided against it. Not everyone's lawn can look like the goat mans. Oh! I also have a cactus that seems to be dying and Venus fly trap that is alive but not doing it's job.Reply -
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Mon Sep 24, 2012 - 9:18 pm
I'm with you. The "my caring vs my enjoyment of gardening" scale is tipped decidedly towards not caring enough. My neighbor mows his lawn 5 times to every 1 of ours. I got so fed up with my veggie garden this year that I mowed. I mowed my garden. Those exploding zucchinis deserved that shit.Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by Kim at Let Me Start By Saying on Tue Sep 25, 2012 at 6:12 pm
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Mon Sep 24, 2012 - 1:25 am
I have heard if you pour detergent on grass it will kill it. I have heard if you pour it in a pattern or word of some sort it just kills that particular area, and takes a good amount of time to grow back "right" if ever. Just a thoughtReply -
1 reply, Last reply by Kim at Let Me Start By Saying on Tue Sep 25, 2012 at 6:11 pm
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Report Fri Sep 21, 2012 - 6:37 pmWe have these neighbors. The only way I can look at their lovely yards and not fill myself with envy is to remember that they are the ones keeping my property value up.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Kim at Let Me Start By Saying on Sun Sep 23, 2012 at 6:46 am
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Report Fri Sep 21, 2012 - 8:48 pmOh, just like people with immaculate houses, these people just can't be trusted. Either that or they obviously have full time help!Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Kim at Let Me Start By Saying on Sun Sep 23, 2012 at 6:45 am
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Fri Sep 21, 2012 - 9:16 pm
I keep my yard ugly to make people feel better about the theirs. Because I'm nice and I care about how they feel.Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by Kim at Let Me Start By Saying on Sun Sep 23, 2012 at 6:45 am
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Report Fri Sep 21, 2012 - 9:47 pmI have a neighbor like this. You know what that got her? "Friends" that left old mattresses and a toilet in her front yard. Not that I am encouraging you to do that...Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Kim at Let Me Start By Saying on Sun Sep 23, 2012 at 6:44 am
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Report Fri Sep 21, 2012 - 10:31 pmThe people who used to own this house were green thumbers .I mean, the mom actually hired someone to clean the house so she could devote more time to the yard. On the one hand, I applaud her for not trying to do it all and for having the funds (both of them worked outside the home) to make it happen and the time to garden. But please do not drive by now. Because your landscaping is our overgrown shrubbery. We named it Roger. All of it.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Kim at Let Me Start By Saying on Sun Sep 23, 2012 at 6:44 am
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Report Sat Sep 22, 2012 - 12:01 amI'm fairly certain we have the same neighbors...and the same yard! Man, what is with those people? I'm surprised that they haven't built a privacy fence just on our side of the line to block their view of our yard.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Kim at Let Me Start By Saying on Sun Sep 23, 2012 at 6:43 am
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Report Sat Sep 22, 2012 - 5:12 pmI guess no one wants to live next to "Martha!"Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Kim at Let Me Start By Saying on Sun Sep 23, 2012 at 6:42 am
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Report Sat Sep 22, 2012 - 5:19 pmCool psot!Reply
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