In The Powder Room

Sep 21

My latest purchase in the war on flab

Comments (8) by Allison Hart September 21, 2012 - 6:01 AM

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Women are the craziest women I know. (Go ahead; read it again, I'll wait.) Seriously fucked up. Every last one. (Don't worry, this isn't offensive. I am a woman, and some of my best friends are women.) Why are women crazy? Because we'll believe anything that says: "Do X and you'll be thin, beautiful, and stay young forever!"

We are smart people. We know this is bullshit. We are well aware that aging is not, in fact, reversible. We know this but we still pick up the phone and agree to pay not seven but FIVE easy payments of $19.99!! (Plus first born for S&H.)

We buy this crap and we use it. We pop pills, read shelves of conflicting diet books, slather ourselves in potions, inject our faces with toxins, and sweat it out in our living rooms like the latest perfect-bod-in-8-days video says we should.

But worst is what we're willing to eat.

Ever see a woman order an egg white omelet? Essentially, she's agreeing to eat hot white rubber in exchange for the promise of the Holy Grail: thinness. And she'll act like she's perfectly happy in this choice. "Can I please substitute fruit for the potatoes? And no toast please. Here, you can just take this bread basket right off the table. Also, if possible, I'd like a nail hammered into my foot while I eat. Thanks."

How about Olestra? Remember that stuff? Some guys in a lab found a chemical that makes humans shit water. Uncontrollably. Just straight-up ass-leaking.

"Twenty bucks says I can get chicks to eat this!"

And we did! That guy got his twenty bucks. I can clearly remember what it felt like holding that crinkly bag of chips as I considered the inevitable digestive issues vs. the prospect of eating actual (not baked) potato chips, and NOT GETTING FAT FROM IT. In essence, I ate poison that would cause me pain, discomfort, and potential ass-leakage. You did it too. And so did she and she and she and a bunch of hopeful ass-leaking guys too.

The latest thing I've spent my cash on (cash I should be saving to buy the outrageously expensive but supposedly totally worth it Insanity Workout system. Jillian Michaels is so last year), is WhoNu cookies. Have you heard of these? They're basically Oreos, but somehow they've packed them full of so much fiber that they are now a health food. According to the folks at WhoNu, I'm nutritionally better off eating these than not, so how could I not buy them? Beware: if you eat more than one, you might as well set up camp in the bathroom. I know this. I really, really, really know it. But who can eat just one Oreo?

So this is what I mean by crazy. We know better, but we want to believe there's a shortcut. Now, if you'll excuse me, my probiotic detox tea is ready and I have to wash off my organic Red Sea algae face mask.

by Allison Hart September 21, 2012 - 6:01 AM

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  Report Mon Sep 24, 2012 - 1:21 am

  by  lhewitt

  I had forgotten Olestra! Thank goodness. I have never heard of these WhoNu cookies.

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  Report Fri Sep 21, 2012 - 10:02 pm

  by  FFW

  Holy shit---I remember when Olestra came out---rarely, if ever, do you see the words "anal leakage" written by corporate lackeys. I did NOT eat those chips, mainly because I was working in a health food store at the time, and we mocked them mercilessly. Which is probably why I'm 40 pounds overweight. Damn you, non-anal-leakage chips!!!

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• 1 reply, Last reply by Allison Hart on Sat Sep 22, 2012 at 1:34 am
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  Report Sat Sep 22, 2012 - 1:34 am

  by  Allison Hart

  @FFW: You know that everyone else working in that health food store ate WOW chips at home.

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  Report Fri Sep 21, 2012 - 9:10 pm

  by  Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

  Funny post! Here's the thing, the only magic bullet that has ever been found was Phen Fen and unfortunately, it killed people. Everyone wants something to ADD to their diets to make them thinner because eating LESS is hard. Now excuse me because my ice cream sundae is dripping all over the keyboard. Ellen

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• 1 reply, Last reply by Allison Hart on Sat Sep 22, 2012 at 1:33 am
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  Report Sat Sep 22, 2012 - 1:33 am

  by  Allison Hart

  @Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms: Those FenPhen people were onto something. Ever notice how skinny dead people are?

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  Report Fri Sep 21, 2012 - 11:03 pm

  by  Shawn

  HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  Report Fri Sep 21, 2012 - 10:08 pm

  by  April

  *raises hand* I'm totally guilty of getting the egg white omelet. In fact, they called it a "frittata" or something phony like that to make it sound better, and it came with chicken. I'm pretty sure it was either boiled chicken (gross!) cut up in to tiny little pieces, or it just came out of can. Either way, I barely could choke down half of it just to show I ate it. I got it with fruit--and you guessed it--no toast please. I was having breakfast with my inlaws so I had to pretend to like it or at least not voice that it was so disgusting that I wanted to send it back. I didn't want to get into all the drama that would ensue if I admitted the truth. I think that was the point when I officially gave up eggs. They were #1 on my low carb diet, naturally, but I just couldn't eat them anymore. I hated eggs to begin with and was just forcing myself to eat eggs anyway. I haven't had an egg since then.

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  Report Fri Sep 21, 2012 - 4:27 pm

  by  rootietoot

  ~*LOUD CHEERS*~ Those Olestra chips are ridiculous. They feel weird in your mouth. I'm tired of being told I'm only worthy if I'm young and thin.

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