The no that kicked my ass
Get your itty-bitty violins ready, people. It's time for a pity party serenade.
I got a "No."
Not just any old No. This was for something I really, really wanted.
I wanted it so badly, I could taste it. This was not a flight of fancy. This was The Real Want.
I worked for it. I felt it was right for me. My gut told me the time was now.
I even started to allow myself-the one who always expects rejection-to not fight the little light of optimism that slipped in, to allow myself to feel good about my chances.
Then, on a day that went from bad to worse to OH MY GOD SOMEONE GET ME THE BIG SPOON AND A PINT OF HAÄGEN-DAZS, I got the No.
I was gracious and good and handled it like I should have. Then I turned around and crawled into my head. I slammed some doors and wondered What could I have done better? How could I have been so wrong about this?
As my Day of Bad News got worse and worse, I felt this particular loss the most of all. It clung to my skin and weighed me down. It made me unable to be funny or friendly. It made me mad at myself for being so upset.
I thought something was so right for me that for once my heart, my head, and my gut were all on the same page. But I was completely wrong. And it kicked me where it hurts.
In the pride.
In the confidence.
So I took a day. A day to be cranky and pissed off and disappointed. A day to watch crap TV and accept that I was wrong. A day to sit beside the unexpected No making itself comfy on my couch, and say to it "You're an asshole. Pass the cookies."
The next day, I got up, made my coffee, and took a scorching shower to clear my head. I had some work to do.
Getting this No could only mean one thing: I had to make my own Yes.
I marched to my office, turned on my MacBook and wrote.
I made lists and charts and essays and one-liners.
I decided that this No will make me better. It will make me find and earn the perfect Yes.
I decided that this No is a gift. That being turned down for something I wanted so much could only mean that a Yes is around the corner, patiently waiting for me.
I just need to find it and make it mine.
Oh, yes, it will be mine.