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Vagisil, Vagistat, Vagithis, Vagithat
The following is an almost verbatim, except the parts that might not be, conversation with a nurse.
Nurse: Thank you for calling Stupid Ass Doctor's Office Run By Stupid Ass People.
Me: Hi, I need to request a prescription refill.
N: Medication?
M: Diflucan.
N: You'll have to be seen for new prescriptions.
M: Oh, I've gotten it before; it's not new.
N: You'll have to be seen for that.
M: Can't it just be called in? I'm already at the Can't Stand It point.
N: You have to be seen to determine that it's yeast, not something else.
M: I know when it's yeast. I even know when it's crabs. Listen, I'm already at bushfire status. Maybe I should become a crackhead so I can scratch everywhere, not just my lady oven.
N: I can see when the next urgent care appointment is available. Please hold.
(Six minute hold, while I scratch)
N: We can see you at 1:15 Friday.
M: (Silence)
N: Are you there?
M: On a 10 level system I am at level 10 which is Cooter Conflagration. It's Monday. You just offered an appointment for Friday. Have you ever had a yeast infection? If so, you know about HOT HOT ITCHY, I'M ABOUT TO GET A FORK AND SCRATCH MY ENTIRE VULVULAR LINING OFF.
If someone told you to wait until Friday, how could you not respond with BITCH I'M ABOUT TO COME TO YOUR JOB AND SHOW YOU WHAT I MEAN BY I CAN'T SIT, I CAN'T WALK, I CAN'T SHOWER OR STAND OR BREATHE. I CAN'T PEE OR WIPE OR HOLD A NORMAL CONVERSATION BECAUSE IN THE MIDDLE OF CONVERSING COMES SCRATCH SCRATCH FIRE. Pardon me while I take a knee.
How do you, as a woman, utter Friday when you're talking to me on Monday? Isn't there some kind of cooch cooperative female nurses sign so that when the words yeast and fire are said together the response is "Oooh girl, let me see what's open TODAY." Then you apologize for the assholes you work with who think that a woman calling about a possessed poonani can wait more than 24 hours. Then you call in a refill.
N: I'm sorry you're so...inflamed, but you need to be seen first.
M: I already know what I have! I will not make it through this day, let alone four, without something immediate. Are you seriously going to make me act like Lootin' Lenny and call my uterus owning friends to see who might have an extra pill lying around? "Say, sister, I just need one hit, you know I'm good for it." Where is your cooch camaraderie?
N: So you don't want the Friday appointment?
M: My vagina is going to send your practice hate mail.
Luckily, most of my best friends own vaginas. They also hoard 1-day pills. That nurse can go watch yeast rise.
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Comments (36)
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Report Fri Oct 26, 2012 - 10:30 pmLOL this post was hilariousReply -
Report Wed Oct 3, 2012 - 5:13 pmCooch cooperative. Sisterhood of the traveling Vagisil. WE NEED THIS TO HAPPEN.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Arnebya on Tue Oct 9, 2012 at 8:58 pm
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Report Wed Oct 3, 2012 - 4:38 pmAnyone who knows people who have extra drugs is a friend of mine. Also, if it will help you to hump my leg - well have at it. xoReply
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1 reply, Last reply by Arnebya on Wed Oct 3, 2012 at 5:00 pm
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Report Tue Oct 2, 2012 - 7:04 pmYou called your vagina a cooter. That is my word of the day and you should know that I will be incorporating it as much as I can. You're welcome society. I'm dying laughing. Not at the fact that you have a nasty thing going on in tuna town, but your responses are killing me.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Arnebya on Tue Oct 2, 2012 at 10:20 pm
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Report Tue Oct 2, 2012 - 6:37 amI am so happy I finally had time to read and catch up on blogs tonight. Arnebya, you are a riot and you just captured that very uncomfortable time for all of us! Whomever invented Diflucan should have a shrine made in their name!Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Arnebya on Tue Oct 2, 2012 at 10:13 pm
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Report Mon Oct 1, 2012 - 11:23 pmYou just made me appreciate my doctor so much more. Called and without ever having been seen for that particular ailment, the nurse was all, "I think you might know what you are talking about, let me call that in for you." She must have been there before. Also can I just say, Thank you for your wonderful vocabulary. Amazing.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Arnebya on Mon Oct 1, 2012 at 11:40 pm
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Sat Sep 29, 2012 - 8:57 pm
Your words are so resplendently descriptive that my vagina is itching in solidarity. And the fucking twats who work at doctors' offices ARE THE WORST EVER EVER EVER. PS Plain yogurt works. So I've heard.Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by Arnebya on Mon Oct 1, 2012 at 11:39 pm
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Sat Sep 29, 2012 - 6:04 pm
Lady oven? Bushfire status? Cooch camaraderie? Dying. I'm dying over here. (From laughter, not a cooter conflagration.)Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by Arnebya on Mon Oct 1, 2012 at 11:36 pm
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Report Fri Sep 28, 2012 - 9:53 pm"Level 10 which is Cooter Conflagration"... you are too funny. I had Stage 10 one year while trapped in a house with 20 relatives on an island. There was 10 miles of water between me and the nearest drop of Vagisil. I was going pull-my-hairs out insane.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Arnebya on Sat Sep 29, 2012 at 12:40 am
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Report Fri Sep 28, 2012 - 6:45 pmSo funny! That's ridiculous they couldn't call in a refill for that. Especially since you've been seen at their office for this in the past and received a diagnosis / script then. That's what REFILLS are for. My goodness. Stupid doctor's office!Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Arnebya on Fri Sep 28, 2012 at 9:44 pm
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Fri Sep 28, 2012 - 7:04 pm
Hey Arnebya, I don't know how you managed to turn this into so damn funny, but you did and that bitch was wrong and she knows it. Dead ass wrong.Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by Arnebya on Fri Sep 28, 2012 at 9:43 pm
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Report Fri Sep 28, 2012 - 7:33 pmWe need to get together for drinks and inappropriate lady business talk. Also? Next time you need a pill, I know this hoe.....Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Arnebya on Fri Sep 28, 2012 at 9:42 pm
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Report Fri Sep 28, 2012 - 7:33 pmCooter Conflagration? I laughed so hard I cried! Awesome!Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Arnebya on Fri Sep 28, 2012 at 9:42 pm
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Fri Sep 28, 2012 - 8:00 pm
I'll go bust some kneecaps if you want. My dr totally does refills if they've seen you before for that condition. Any girl who's had a yeast infection REMEMBERS it next time it comes round. Please keep all utensils away from your vag. YOU WILL REGRET IT!Reply -
3 replies, Last reply by Arnebya on Fri Sep 28, 2012 at 9:41 pm
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Report Fri Sep 28, 2012 - 5:48 pmoh my God that was funny....I am not laughing at your pain but for some reason it's funny because I have been through this exact scenario and it's always funnier on the flip side. Diflucan should be something you can just refill. A woman knows when she has the need for this medication for heaven's sake. And aside from relief it's not like you are inhaling bath salts for Christs sake. I hope that nurse gets a yeast infection! karma is a bitch!!Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Arnebya on Fri Sep 28, 2012 at 8:46 pm
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Report Fri Sep 28, 2012 - 4:05 pmOnce again I THANK GOD He gave me boy parts.Reply
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2 replies, Last reply by Arnebya on Fri Sep 28, 2012 at 8:44 pm
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Fri Sep 28, 2012 - 7:42 pm
OMG, yes! All of it. *scratch* I think I'd love to join a cooch cooperative. Does it have to be just nurses?Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by Arnebya on Fri Sep 28, 2012 at 8:43 pm
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