Why I'm not on the PTA
It's the beginning of the school year, so we're all making new friends. I'm RSVP'ing Yes to parties I'd rather say No to in the spirit of getting to know the other moms. This means that I've met a lot of people I hate lately.
Like Humorless SanctiMommy: a mom and I were talking about the how hellish it is bringing kids shoe shopping, how they always beg for glow-in-the-dark-light-up-ugly-ass-too-small sneakers. Humorless SanctiMommy pipes up: "If I'm in a store with my kids and they want something, I just say ‘no'" The other mom and I stared blankly until I kicked Humorless SanctiMommy in the shins and yelled "Say no now, Bitch!"
Or Humorless PerfectionMommy: a mom standing next to me eating the remains of cake and pizza off of her daughter's discarded plate lamented, "Ugh, this is the last thing I need." I reassured her with a benign, "Don't worry, food you eat off your kid's plate totally doesn't count." Then another mom pipes up: "Actually, you need to be careful because it does count and it really can add up." OMG. WTF? I kicked that bitch too.
How about Humorless Plain Stupid Mommy: a mom is holding her 6-month-old baby-an adorable, smiling thing with a shock of orange hair. I comment that the baby is so happy and cute and has been smiling at nothing for the last 30 minutes. She tells me, "I'm sure she's smiling at something that's entertaining her, not nothing." Panicked, I look around but don't see an easy escape. She goes on talking for a while while I plan how to run away from her. I tune back in when she says that the baby is a terrible sleeper. I say, "Well, I guess you can't have it all. I had grumpy babies who slept great." She looks at me like I'm painted pink. She says, "I don't think a baby is a package deal." OMG. I smiled and backed away. I couldn't even kick that bitch for fear of catching crazy.
It would be helpful for people to wear personality tags like nametags. Mine would say something like "Snarky and Obnoxious." I'd seek out others whose tags said, "Funny," "Sarcastic," "I Hate it Here," "I'm Probably Wishing You'd Shut Up," and the like. I could easily avoid, "Sanctimonious," "Boring as Hell," "Humorless," "Zealot," "Vegan, and I'll Tell You Why."
Of course you could change the tag based on the occasion. At a wedding? How about, "Lonely" vs. "Open Bar!" I know who I'd hang out with. Trick-or-treating? "I Can't Wait till The Kids go to Bed so I Can Steal This Candy," vs. "No Thanks, We Don't Eat Junk Food." How about Thanksgiving, "I'm Genuinely Thankful and Want to Talk About it," vs. "Keep the Booze Flowing and Help Me Avoid Uncle Larry."